Every day I think I'm getting so much better. I just went backwards in my mind. People want me to use, my mind wants me to use, and I really can't use. I can't explain it to anyone who has known me for the past year and seen how I use. I am an addict, a drunk, and a junkie. No matter what I pick up, it will and HAS brought me to my knees many times. I unfortunately do not have self control. I'm full of rage regarding this fact. I want to be a normal person, and I want to live a regular life, but there are things I have to do to maintain a level of sanity. This is not easy for me to achieve. I got another sponsor last night at the meeting. It sucks alot more than I thought it would to go through the process of finding a sponsor. Like people will offer and be all nicey nice an shit, but they're not always going to call you back or tell you what they're about once you start calling them. The rule is you have to call 30 days everyday, to test your willingness. I thought I could skip this part and not have a sponsor, but the feelings I'm having today, of wanting to use cause I'm pissed the fuck off, do not tell me that I can do this alone. I need someone to tell me what's going to happen and remind me of what has. Juna offered to be my sponsor after I prove myself and my honesty to her. That sounds intimidating to me and I just know that I really need help from someone who has a lot of clean time and has struggled with the program and what not.
Having a boyfriend is starting to be frustrating. I cannot understand him clearly, but all I can do is try. Apparently- I am not on a level where I can ever understand his brilliance. FUCK
Having a boyfriend is starting to be frustrating. I cannot understand him clearly, but all I can do is try. Apparently- I am not on a level where I can ever understand his brilliance. FUCK
spacecadet66:
Hang in there girl. If life were easy it probably wouldn't be worth living. Exercise is my anti-drug. I've been doing a low fat diet for a couple of weeks now in addition to the workouts on my treadmil and weight lifting. Just remember that inch by inch life's a sinch but yard by yard it gets really hard. In other words take it one step at a time.