I am a bit lonely these days, makes it real hard to focus on anything. My energy and motivation is low, and i cant really concentrate on doing any type of activity that is completly solitary. If i do, i get depressed and cant put for the effort for a quaility product. Ive been fighting this nasty little event since i got out of the army, i had it a little when i was in, but that is an entirely different story.
Its not that i dont want friends, oh quite the contrary, its difficult in this area to find people that can be my peers and who have a similiar desire to meet people with whom they share enough for a semi-active conversation. Ive tried hot or not dot com extensivley; it has yeilded results, but very small results.
I would say out of every 60 people i would send messages too, only 5 would respond and only 1 of those would give any conversation past a week. For the amount of effort i put into it, i just cannot keep the work for such little results and one way talking. Its cool to play around with the idea but i seriously want to form some type of constant communication, just typing out one sided convos all the time. I can do that in my head.
Monterey is a pretty little seaside tourist town. Its a product of a fishing town and has the community reflective of that; also it has a share of retired veterans. The demographic is weird, its mostly older people 40's + and their extended families and immagrant/illegal mexican population. You couldnt describe it as an educated , wealthy town/city like san jose; its more of an old working class town , augmented by the tourisim.
While that is all fine and good, its not so for me; ive suffered from location for years now. What i mean by that is ever since my mother quit law and got into nursing, we have lived in more progressvily foreginer/working class places and most them have increasingly less and less educated people. My mother totes 3 degrees and rose me in an middle-upper class environment; i was cultured partly in this way. So naturally i wish to be around a weathlier district with a healthy population of educated people.
I have nothing wrong with those that arent, but i dont have many things in common with them, and the biggest problem is communication. I have no peers here, there is a small community college i am going to be going too, but as we all know a community college isnt really social, its go to class; do whatever you have to do, go home. No hanging out or trying to meet new people. Thats how it is in texas anyway, and i didnt like it.
Ever since the army ive been so lonely. I dont get why after all ive done in that damn desert why i have to be subjected to hardship after hardship. I dont ask for much, and i consume less. I have the desire and will to get what i want, but i dont have the resources to do much of anything where im at. If i was in a large city fine, id be golden. But fate has this nasty habit of placing me in places where i have no mobility, no room , no resources and no freedom to use my talents. Its like being dropped into the ocean with no swimming gear. You can survive for a time using your body, but your not going to get anywhere fast.
Ive been seduced by the "sophisticated' lifestyle. The modern aristocrats- the sleek; classy; elite culture of america that lives off the best that can be made and indulges in every sense of pleasure that can be found. I wish i hadn't - i now feel out of place of a life ive nevered experienced; nor even have close of the status off. There was something about it though that called hard to me however, the prevalence of Jazz, snazzy suits, sexy and educated men and women, big cars, houses. This doesnt bring happiness i know, but everyone has their "place" they want to be; and this culture taps into my hedonistic taurean nature.
I have never belonged to a group; my nature and personailty doesnt seem to alow it. In high school i always floated from one group to the next, never fitting in. I dont know if my personaility caused this, or this caused my personaility to develop that way. It sucks because while i can be a little of all, there is no place i can truely call home, no people i know i can fit in with if i join them; it causes me to be alone and more confused about why i have trouble making friends in the first place.
Its not that i dont want friends, oh quite the contrary, its difficult in this area to find people that can be my peers and who have a similiar desire to meet people with whom they share enough for a semi-active conversation. Ive tried hot or not dot com extensivley; it has yeilded results, but very small results.
I would say out of every 60 people i would send messages too, only 5 would respond and only 1 of those would give any conversation past a week. For the amount of effort i put into it, i just cannot keep the work for such little results and one way talking. Its cool to play around with the idea but i seriously want to form some type of constant communication, just typing out one sided convos all the time. I can do that in my head.
Monterey is a pretty little seaside tourist town. Its a product of a fishing town and has the community reflective of that; also it has a share of retired veterans. The demographic is weird, its mostly older people 40's + and their extended families and immagrant/illegal mexican population. You couldnt describe it as an educated , wealthy town/city like san jose; its more of an old working class town , augmented by the tourisim.
While that is all fine and good, its not so for me; ive suffered from location for years now. What i mean by that is ever since my mother quit law and got into nursing, we have lived in more progressvily foreginer/working class places and most them have increasingly less and less educated people. My mother totes 3 degrees and rose me in an middle-upper class environment; i was cultured partly in this way. So naturally i wish to be around a weathlier district with a healthy population of educated people.
I have nothing wrong with those that arent, but i dont have many things in common with them, and the biggest problem is communication. I have no peers here, there is a small community college i am going to be going too, but as we all know a community college isnt really social, its go to class; do whatever you have to do, go home. No hanging out or trying to meet new people. Thats how it is in texas anyway, and i didnt like it.
Ever since the army ive been so lonely. I dont get why after all ive done in that damn desert why i have to be subjected to hardship after hardship. I dont ask for much, and i consume less. I have the desire and will to get what i want, but i dont have the resources to do much of anything where im at. If i was in a large city fine, id be golden. But fate has this nasty habit of placing me in places where i have no mobility, no room , no resources and no freedom to use my talents. Its like being dropped into the ocean with no swimming gear. You can survive for a time using your body, but your not going to get anywhere fast.
Ive been seduced by the "sophisticated' lifestyle. The modern aristocrats- the sleek; classy; elite culture of america that lives off the best that can be made and indulges in every sense of pleasure that can be found. I wish i hadn't - i now feel out of place of a life ive nevered experienced; nor even have close of the status off. There was something about it though that called hard to me however, the prevalence of Jazz, snazzy suits, sexy and educated men and women, big cars, houses. This doesnt bring happiness i know, but everyone has their "place" they want to be; and this culture taps into my hedonistic taurean nature.
I have never belonged to a group; my nature and personailty doesnt seem to alow it. In high school i always floated from one group to the next, never fitting in. I dont know if my personaility caused this, or this caused my personaility to develop that way. It sucks because while i can be a little of all, there is no place i can truely call home, no people i know i can fit in with if i join them; it causes me to be alone and more confused about why i have trouble making friends in the first place.
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so thats cool you sent me my first message