Ulcerative Colitis
Alrighty, before anyone continues reading this, i am going to be quite graphic in details, and those that do not wish to read anything to do with bowels, need to get off this note now.
Disclaimer done, onto why i actually started this note.
It is no secret that i have Ulcerative Colitis, but what i have not readily divulged until now is what exactly this means.
Now, Ulcerative Colitis(UC) is a Auto-Immune Disease(my body is fighting itself) of the colon which affects every single aspect of my life. Some people try to downplay what I have by comparing it with Irritable Bowel Syndrome(IBS). This disease is life threatening, and has caused me to be hospitalized multiple times (there is something about shitting massive amounts of blood that causes problems). It will most likely give me Colorectol Cancer, and it is possible that when I do have kids, that I can pass it on to them.
I literally shit anywhere between 4-10 times a day depending on how bad i am doing, and it always sound like ther's a warzone when i'm using the head. There have been times(especially since i'm in the military) when i have had people overhearing my movements... and i bring attention to it, because there is no way that i can hide it(i've tried), so i make a big joke out of it. though in reality... i am ashamed, abased, and feel violated every time this happens.
I try to stay as light-hearted as possible, because this isn't really anyone's fault... but damnit i get tired of having to plan my routes with a bathroom in mind, or when i don't reach a head in time and shit my pants. And yes, i have shit my pants since being diagnosed with this. Then after shitting pants, i have to find a way to get back to my room without anyone seeing me... or calling a friend to bring me some clothes(both have happened).
I haven't even gotten to the pain aspect of UC. At some point everyday i experience a decent amount of pain, usually multiple sharp pains in a short amount of time... then there's the pain of a "bad" time. Now, a "bad" time usually lasts me about a week, and the worse pain i've ever felt. It is a mixture of sharp and dull pains so bad that i can't stand straight, and it helps to sit still in the fetal position, but every now and then i have to stretch to keep from cramping up too bad. It's pointless to eat, because anything that i can get to stay down, puts my gut into a worse strain, so i have to be on a liquid diet.
Now for another embarrasing thing... it involves the fairer sex. When i am getting to know someone that i am interested in seeing, i've found that i have to keep my "problem" on the down low, or else there is no chance at all of a relationship... in any shape or form, i get dropped like that disgusting puppy that shit's on everything(hmmm).
And the joint problems. I can usually tell when i'm about to start one of the bad times, when about a week before, i start having really sore joints, and it hurts to move... basically feel like someone 40 years my senior.
Now all of these are just things. Something todeal with, as well as the next thing i'm gonna list... but this next one is what takes the cake.
I can't be in the military with this disease. Because this disease is chronic... even if they can get me at 100%, i would not know when my next attack would be. And one can't deploy when that's a factor. Not only am i getting the boot(and rightfully so)... but i never get to earn my dolphins(submariner warfare pin). I can'treally explain how much that hurt when i was first told, as well as how much it hurt for a long-time afterward. It still does hurt, but nowhere near as bad, as well as i again have a goal(though that's a story for a different time), and have found my spirituality, and though it appears that i am going into a major bitching session, this actually isn't. I am trying to put all the negative aspects of this disease, before getting to the part that i am blessed.
I have found out who my friends are. i've always been about true friends, but i have found that only a few of my friends wer able to deal with me as a human being, and not as some cripple. These are the one's that value me for who i am, and it's a beautiful thing.
As stated earlier i have regained my spirituality. I lost it... actually not really lost it, but i hated it and wanted to ignore it... even pay it back. And then i had, i don't like to call it a near-death experience, it's more of a... reason to look at my mortality. And realized that i have an opportunity here. I can help other's. Not only people with this disease, and not even in a getting others to understand way... it's just that i can listen better, i can truly help them... and well... it's much more complicated... so much so that i don't know if i can explain it.
I actually live my life now. I have done more in this past year than i have done in a long time. Before i was counting dayys, now i live in this day. I have piicked up the guitar, which is something i've always wanted to do, but never got around to. I am going to go back to college once i get out of the Navy(i would have done this already except i have to wait... no choice), i quit drinking. Which, as any alcoholic can tell you is a difficult thing to do. I have met many awesome people. And i in general, just do more things day to day, rather than spending my time getting drunk, playing video games, or just plain hiding in my own head.
That is the reason i'm posting this. If i want to be truly be alive, i have to be fully aware of my entire life, and i can't hide what is me from anyone, because then i would start to isolate, or say that that, "no one gets me". Thsi way i have no excuse, because there are people out there that do understand. i can quarantee that 1.2 million americans do... and probably a few others too
well, i figure i've taken up enough of everyone's time at the moment... and just to see if anyone's reading this... ummm... it is impossible for me to be full of shit... i mean, seriously... it is literally impossible.
Alrighty, before anyone continues reading this, i am going to be quite graphic in details, and those that do not wish to read anything to do with bowels, need to get off this note now.
Disclaimer done, onto why i actually started this note.
It is no secret that i have Ulcerative Colitis, but what i have not readily divulged until now is what exactly this means.
Now, Ulcerative Colitis(UC) is a Auto-Immune Disease(my body is fighting itself) of the colon which affects every single aspect of my life. Some people try to downplay what I have by comparing it with Irritable Bowel Syndrome(IBS). This disease is life threatening, and has caused me to be hospitalized multiple times (there is something about shitting massive amounts of blood that causes problems). It will most likely give me Colorectol Cancer, and it is possible that when I do have kids, that I can pass it on to them.
I literally shit anywhere between 4-10 times a day depending on how bad i am doing, and it always sound like ther's a warzone when i'm using the head. There have been times(especially since i'm in the military) when i have had people overhearing my movements... and i bring attention to it, because there is no way that i can hide it(i've tried), so i make a big joke out of it. though in reality... i am ashamed, abased, and feel violated every time this happens.
I try to stay as light-hearted as possible, because this isn't really anyone's fault... but damnit i get tired of having to plan my routes with a bathroom in mind, or when i don't reach a head in time and shit my pants. And yes, i have shit my pants since being diagnosed with this. Then after shitting pants, i have to find a way to get back to my room without anyone seeing me... or calling a friend to bring me some clothes(both have happened).
I haven't even gotten to the pain aspect of UC. At some point everyday i experience a decent amount of pain, usually multiple sharp pains in a short amount of time... then there's the pain of a "bad" time. Now, a "bad" time usually lasts me about a week, and the worse pain i've ever felt. It is a mixture of sharp and dull pains so bad that i can't stand straight, and it helps to sit still in the fetal position, but every now and then i have to stretch to keep from cramping up too bad. It's pointless to eat, because anything that i can get to stay down, puts my gut into a worse strain, so i have to be on a liquid diet.
Now for another embarrasing thing... it involves the fairer sex. When i am getting to know someone that i am interested in seeing, i've found that i have to keep my "problem" on the down low, or else there is no chance at all of a relationship... in any shape or form, i get dropped like that disgusting puppy that shit's on everything(hmmm).
And the joint problems. I can usually tell when i'm about to start one of the bad times, when about a week before, i start having really sore joints, and it hurts to move... basically feel like someone 40 years my senior.
Now all of these are just things. Something todeal with, as well as the next thing i'm gonna list... but this next one is what takes the cake.
I can't be in the military with this disease. Because this disease is chronic... even if they can get me at 100%, i would not know when my next attack would be. And one can't deploy when that's a factor. Not only am i getting the boot(and rightfully so)... but i never get to earn my dolphins(submariner warfare pin). I can'treally explain how much that hurt when i was first told, as well as how much it hurt for a long-time afterward. It still does hurt, but nowhere near as bad, as well as i again have a goal(though that's a story for a different time), and have found my spirituality, and though it appears that i am going into a major bitching session, this actually isn't. I am trying to put all the negative aspects of this disease, before getting to the part that i am blessed.
I have found out who my friends are. i've always been about true friends, but i have found that only a few of my friends wer able to deal with me as a human being, and not as some cripple. These are the one's that value me for who i am, and it's a beautiful thing.
As stated earlier i have regained my spirituality. I lost it... actually not really lost it, but i hated it and wanted to ignore it... even pay it back. And then i had, i don't like to call it a near-death experience, it's more of a... reason to look at my mortality. And realized that i have an opportunity here. I can help other's. Not only people with this disease, and not even in a getting others to understand way... it's just that i can listen better, i can truly help them... and well... it's much more complicated... so much so that i don't know if i can explain it.
I actually live my life now. I have done more in this past year than i have done in a long time. Before i was counting dayys, now i live in this day. I have piicked up the guitar, which is something i've always wanted to do, but never got around to. I am going to go back to college once i get out of the Navy(i would have done this already except i have to wait... no choice), i quit drinking. Which, as any alcoholic can tell you is a difficult thing to do. I have met many awesome people. And i in general, just do more things day to day, rather than spending my time getting drunk, playing video games, or just plain hiding in my own head.
That is the reason i'm posting this. If i want to be truly be alive, i have to be fully aware of my entire life, and i can't hide what is me from anyone, because then i would start to isolate, or say that that, "no one gets me". Thsi way i have no excuse, because there are people out there that do understand. i can quarantee that 1.2 million americans do... and probably a few others too
well, i figure i've taken up enough of everyone's time at the moment... and just to see if anyone's reading this... ummm... it is impossible for me to be full of shit... i mean, seriously... it is literally impossible.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
It's good to hear you sound so positive though You really are an inspiration to me