About ten years ago, as a brand new heathen I reached out to a group about their upcoming Eostre ritual, and it was there that I met Violet. When we met it was nothing special, our age difference meant that I was 21 and she was 13, I wasn't even there to meet her I was there to meet her parents and her parent's friends and talk about religion. That was our relationship for the next 7 years. Just friends, oathbound(this means there was a Frith bond between us) friends, but just friends. Then she went off to the navy and when she washed out and ended up back home. The gawky teenager was suddenly a vibrant beautiful 20-year-old woman. We talked and then just before she turned 21 we ended up together. Six months later I moved her into my apartment with me and I fell in love, we joined a new tribe of heathens together, I had moved her hundreds of miles to be with me, and we connected on an intimate level. There were a couple of rough spots for us, first, the age difference was pretty big, but I did everything I could to never be coercive, never leverage my age or my status as the only one with stable employment. The other sticky spot was that I was the only breadwinner, moving her into my apartment took my rent for 650 to 900$/mo(from a two way split, to a three-way split where I paid 2/3), my phone bill went from 50$ to 150$/mo, not to mention needing to make sure we had food, and making sure she wasn't stuck at home alone for hours on end. I am not an Amazombie, so it wasn't like I had money to spare, and all of that financial worry caused me to be distant at times, and despite our many conversations about her getting a better job, it just never happened.
Then she started going to the gym, paying for it from her grocery store part-time wages(still not paying her rent mind), and started hanging out with David. Fuck David. I told her that i was uncomfortable with their friendship, but that I wasn't asking her to not be his friend, just to be aware that I was anxious. I told her that my other two girlfriends(yeah I know I am a loser who has only had three girlfriends in 31 years) had both cheated on me. She held me close and promised that she would never do that to me, that we would work through our issues, that she loved me. What she didn't tell me is that she was already fucking David. Fast forward another two months and the distance between us has only grown, and despite my work at being more attentive, more present, she wasn't working it, so I planned a camping trip for us, let's get out in the woods, hit reset, and be just us for a while. She canceled on me, said "one of us has to earn money"didn't have work scheduled but I had already paid for the trip so I went. While I was gone she and David lived in our apartment, fucked in our bed, and when I got home and wanted to have "I haven't seen you in 3 days" sex, she said, "I missed you so much that I am sore from my toys." So I gave her a full body massage and went to bed feeling more alone than I had in a long time. A week later I couldn't take the distance anymore and I asked, are we done? She said yes and when she started crying I told her it was ok, sometimes people grow apart, and "It's not like you cheated on me." That's how I learned the truth.
Over the long weekend I learned that I was the last to know, our mutual friends had known for a week, and she had told them that her plan was just to keep being with me until she could afford to move out, she wanted to break up with me by handing me her key, after continuing to use me to pay her rent.
As a result, I am struggling, I am feeling unlovable, unloved, unattractive, and like I did something wrong. I am working through it but some nights all of the feelings of abandonment, and rage, and despair pop just before I fall asleep and all I want to do is see how quickly the lights go out when you suck start a shotgun. I am not really suicidal, just broken right now. But I have used this as a catalyst, I am going to the gym every day, I am trying hard to be more social, I have more money. The only thing I am missing is someone to hug when things are hard, and things are really hard.