I rode my motorcycle through the hills of San Francisco tonight. My favorite area to ride is Corona Heights and Twin Peaks. It's one of the few places within the city with sweeping curves, no stop signs, and light traffic.
I thought about going to Cell Space to see a friend's band play. I thought about going to another friend's movie night. I thought about a housewarming/birthday party for someone else. But instead I turned left and went home, tears waiting on my cheeks for the wind to blow them off. I always ride with my visor up so the wind hits my eyes. It makes me squint. The crows feet that I've had since I was 7 keep me company.
I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I feel like my heart is racing in my chest - clawing at my ribs - but when I take my pulse it's normal. There's something heavy in there and its breaking me. It's making me wonder what value my life has, where it's going, what it's for.
My habbit of putting others' emotional well being and importance before mine is ruining one of the things I love most. It needs to stop. But that's not even the issue at hand. I don't know what it is. I just feel heavy and all I want to do is sleep.
I thought about going to Cell Space to see a friend's band play. I thought about going to another friend's movie night. I thought about a housewarming/birthday party for someone else. But instead I turned left and went home, tears waiting on my cheeks for the wind to blow them off. I always ride with my visor up so the wind hits my eyes. It makes me squint. The crows feet that I've had since I was 7 keep me company.
I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I feel like my heart is racing in my chest - clawing at my ribs - but when I take my pulse it's normal. There's something heavy in there and its breaking me. It's making me wonder what value my life has, where it's going, what it's for.
My habbit of putting others' emotional well being and importance before mine is ruining one of the things I love most. It needs to stop. But that's not even the issue at hand. I don't know what it is. I just feel heavy and all I want to do is sleep.
dallasvega:
oh, my dearest xep. i love you so very much. i feel a heaviness similar to that of which you spoke so very often lately. i wish i could take all of the pain you feel and make it my own, freeing you to ride your fancy motorcycle about corona heights with not a thought in your pretty little head. i find it helps to sit with the periodic agony, let it wash over me until i feel it consume me entirely, and it always seems to subside then as i'm filled with the knowledge that i can withstand it. have a glass of wine and think of me tonight.