So, I don't know why, but I am pretty depressed. Not the "I want to kill myself" kind. More like the "I feel like a failure at everything". I will lose weight, but gain it right back because I can't ever find the motivation to constantly work out or eat right to keep the weight off. I don't really feel like I'm that pretty either. I've been noticing a lot of flaws in myself. I just wish it would stop. I want to feel pretty and skinny again. I want to go back through basic training to lose all the weight again... But, I know that all I would do is laugh in a TI's face and wouldn't be able to take it seriously. It doesn't help that I never have enough money to go shopping for the food to help keep my weight down. The fact that my back is hurt doesn't help either. I am not allowed to run, do sit ups, push ups, most core strengthening, etc. I can get on the elliptical and lift light weights that do not do a thing for me. I want to run and never stop. So, basically what I am saying is that I want to run away. If I wasn't in the military and could lose my career and life, I would already be gone.
I miss the days where I could run away from everything. Go to the city and not come home until I was satisfied. Or the ocean.. Or hell, I miss just having a spot where I could go to get away from life. Like, a park where I know no one will be there. Or a spot in the country where I can park, sit on the hood of my car and see the whole city.
I hate how if I want to get out of town, I have to plan it now... At least a week in advance. And as of right now, I cannot take leave. I can only do stuff on weekends. I want to take off in the middle of the week and just leave this place behind. Since I never have the money to do anything, I just stay in town. Which could explain why I drink all weekend long. I guess I use that as my escape. I only had five beers this last weekend and I was fine... But that was because I had my sister here. Now that she is gone, I am going back into what I did before she got here... Get drunk and forget about everything.
I know I will get over all this. I just hope it ends soon.
I miss being genuinely happy.
I miss not having to hold back tears because I didn't have to cry...
I thought the military would allow me to change and see life in a new way.
All it has done for me is stress me out and make me regret joining.
Oh, the military also always makes me feel like a failure. I can't seem to get anything right.
I refuse to ask my first sergeant to get me orders to get out.
I signed up for six years and I have to finish the four years I have left... Unless they kick me out first.
I do know one reason why I am acting like this...
PMS.
I miss the days where I could run away from everything. Go to the city and not come home until I was satisfied. Or the ocean.. Or hell, I miss just having a spot where I could go to get away from life. Like, a park where I know no one will be there. Or a spot in the country where I can park, sit on the hood of my car and see the whole city.
I hate how if I want to get out of town, I have to plan it now... At least a week in advance. And as of right now, I cannot take leave. I can only do stuff on weekends. I want to take off in the middle of the week and just leave this place behind. Since I never have the money to do anything, I just stay in town. Which could explain why I drink all weekend long. I guess I use that as my escape. I only had five beers this last weekend and I was fine... But that was because I had my sister here. Now that she is gone, I am going back into what I did before she got here... Get drunk and forget about everything.
I know I will get over all this. I just hope it ends soon.
I miss being genuinely happy.
I miss not having to hold back tears because I didn't have to cry...
I thought the military would allow me to change and see life in a new way.
All it has done for me is stress me out and make me regret joining.
Oh, the military also always makes me feel like a failure. I can't seem to get anything right.
I refuse to ask my first sergeant to get me orders to get out.
I signed up for six years and I have to finish the four years I have left... Unless they kick me out first.
I do know one reason why I am acting like this...
PMS.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
2. I've felt the way your feeling, I think everyone has
3. Hope you feel better
4. ...all we ladies know PMS sucks.
After I wrote this, I let the tears flow a bit.
I do feel a bit better.
I think I am going to go talk to a Chaplin tomorrow to get out even more.
I'll probably cry more then than I have tonight lol.