Tears of an Okie:
Jonny dumped me. I'm okay, promise. Kristin and Marc actually gave up their evening to drink coffee and watch Nightmare Before Christmas with me. I love the two of them, they even put up with me crying in public. I hate doing that, it makes me feel pathetic. He told me it was because of the distance, that he couldn't take it anymore and it was tearing him up inside. I felt the same way, but it seemed worth it just to be with him. I loved him so much. Past tense.
But I've impressed myself. I've been off my anti-depressants for a couple of days because I haven't refilled it, but I've been okay still. I'm just realizing that I put too much faith in him. I opened myself up, trusted him, was vulnerable to him, I let myself care even when he didn't call me for days. But now I see that was a mistake. He called me on the phone, he couldn't wait until I came into town to say it to my face. And while he was at work, he had to put me on hold a couple of times. When I ended it with Chris I could at least face him.
I'm realizing I'm stronger than I'd given myself credit for. I can take heartbreak because I know that I'll love again and I'll be more careful. I've realized I'm stronger than Jonny because I could take the distance and he gave up. I've learned that I have a greater faith in my own love than he does, but I've also learned I need to be more careful who I share that with. If he can't even face me to break my heart, maybe he didn't deserve my heart in the first place.
I've stopped crying now. Maybe I built him up too much or loved him too much that I couldn't see there was something wrong. Maybe I gave myself away without seeing that he wasn't willing to do the same. I don't blame him for anything other than how he ended it. He was doing what he needed to do for himself. So now I'm doing the same. I told him so. I'm going to take care of myself without him. I have friends who stand by when I'm weak, I'm stronger than him and than I ever gave myself credit for before and I have a future. I left a lot behind, and I'm sad that he doesn't want to be part of my future because I wanted to be part of his. But I'm going to keep going. As I told Jonny on the phone:
I won't make the mistake again.
Jonny dumped me. I'm okay, promise. Kristin and Marc actually gave up their evening to drink coffee and watch Nightmare Before Christmas with me. I love the two of them, they even put up with me crying in public. I hate doing that, it makes me feel pathetic. He told me it was because of the distance, that he couldn't take it anymore and it was tearing him up inside. I felt the same way, but it seemed worth it just to be with him. I loved him so much. Past tense.
But I've impressed myself. I've been off my anti-depressants for a couple of days because I haven't refilled it, but I've been okay still. I'm just realizing that I put too much faith in him. I opened myself up, trusted him, was vulnerable to him, I let myself care even when he didn't call me for days. But now I see that was a mistake. He called me on the phone, he couldn't wait until I came into town to say it to my face. And while he was at work, he had to put me on hold a couple of times. When I ended it with Chris I could at least face him.
I'm realizing I'm stronger than I'd given myself credit for. I can take heartbreak because I know that I'll love again and I'll be more careful. I've realized I'm stronger than Jonny because I could take the distance and he gave up. I've learned that I have a greater faith in my own love than he does, but I've also learned I need to be more careful who I share that with. If he can't even face me to break my heart, maybe he didn't deserve my heart in the first place.
I've stopped crying now. Maybe I built him up too much or loved him too much that I couldn't see there was something wrong. Maybe I gave myself away without seeing that he wasn't willing to do the same. I don't blame him for anything other than how he ended it. He was doing what he needed to do for himself. So now I'm doing the same. I told him so. I'm going to take care of myself without him. I have friends who stand by when I'm weak, I'm stronger than him and than I ever gave myself credit for before and I have a future. I left a lot behind, and I'm sad that he doesn't want to be part of my future because I wanted to be part of his. But I'm going to keep going. As I told Jonny on the phone:
I won't make the mistake again.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Cry as much as you need to. And then get rid of everything that reminds you of him. That's the best advice I can give you.
You're right... it sounds like he doesn't deserve you at all.
Let me know if you want to talk about it, k?