I'm reading Astronomy magazine now. It makes me stop and ponder. Scientific method has indicated the age of our
universe is 13-14 billion years. That's incredibly old, but the universe will continue on for billions more years
than even that. Solar masses will cool, energy dissipate into the vast expanse, and eventually the entire universe
will essentially be "dead" to complete chaos.
And for a moment I feel terribly terribly small. I was raised with an incredible love of science. The second book I
ever owned was a book on astronomy, (the first was about dinosaurs) so I've long understood the concept of infinities
intellectually, and in a maybe slightly psychologically.
I was raised religious (united methodist to anyone who cares) by liberal parents, so I believed in God, but i also
believed in evolution, the Big Bang, dinosaurs etc. I was raised to believe that after we died we were forgiven our
sins and accepted into heaven. Later I gave up on my previous beliefs and became gnostic and existential. i believe
in a universe created by a diety-like being (Ialdaboth), a very flawed being who created an imperfect universe and
seeded it with souls trapped away from the ultimate unknowable God. The moment of this cosmic being's will and
creation is what we call the Big Bang. But with my gnostic beliefs there is again a sliver of hope, in the belief
that after death we either reincarnate again into these fleshy dream traps for the slivers of eternal soul that
predate Creation, or escape into unity with the unknowable divine.
But what runs through me now is a dull fear. What, why, how? The existential grip for meaning holds me. I read
Sartre, Camus, Heidegger, Dostoevsky, and listened to their views on life in a meaningless universe. (To be fair to
Camus, he does not discard the possibility of meaning, merely the possibility that it can be understood rationally,
which is much the same) I want to grip onto the existential concepts of responsibility and live as if there were no
meaning in the universe. But really I just want to know... my curiosity gets the better of me. I have what i
believe, but i want to know. Funny that gnosis means knowledge, and gnostics are supposed to be those who know.
I miss the feeling I had 5 years ago. Once when sitting alone in the journalism room, pondering what writings I
should or should not include in that years creative writing collection there came upon me the greatest feeling of
simplicity in my life. I'd account it to the same feeling as buddhist 'satori'. For like maybe 10 seconds. I felt
like I understood everything, life, death, balance, infinity, nothingness, emptiness. Then it faded. I wrote a poem
about it, which is not at hand unfortunately. It still couldn't capture the absoluteness of the moment. Sometimes when I question my religious beliefs I try to summon up that moment in my mind to remind me why I started this path.
My roommate comments, "I'll show you the where the universe comes from"... heh.
universe is 13-14 billion years. That's incredibly old, but the universe will continue on for billions more years
than even that. Solar masses will cool, energy dissipate into the vast expanse, and eventually the entire universe
will essentially be "dead" to complete chaos.
And for a moment I feel terribly terribly small. I was raised with an incredible love of science. The second book I
ever owned was a book on astronomy, (the first was about dinosaurs) so I've long understood the concept of infinities
intellectually, and in a maybe slightly psychologically.
I was raised religious (united methodist to anyone who cares) by liberal parents, so I believed in God, but i also
believed in evolution, the Big Bang, dinosaurs etc. I was raised to believe that after we died we were forgiven our
sins and accepted into heaven. Later I gave up on my previous beliefs and became gnostic and existential. i believe
in a universe created by a diety-like being (Ialdaboth), a very flawed being who created an imperfect universe and
seeded it with souls trapped away from the ultimate unknowable God. The moment of this cosmic being's will and
creation is what we call the Big Bang. But with my gnostic beliefs there is again a sliver of hope, in the belief
that after death we either reincarnate again into these fleshy dream traps for the slivers of eternal soul that
predate Creation, or escape into unity with the unknowable divine.
But what runs through me now is a dull fear. What, why, how? The existential grip for meaning holds me. I read
Sartre, Camus, Heidegger, Dostoevsky, and listened to their views on life in a meaningless universe. (To be fair to
Camus, he does not discard the possibility of meaning, merely the possibility that it can be understood rationally,
which is much the same) I want to grip onto the existential concepts of responsibility and live as if there were no
meaning in the universe. But really I just want to know... my curiosity gets the better of me. I have what i
believe, but i want to know. Funny that gnosis means knowledge, and gnostics are supposed to be those who know.
I miss the feeling I had 5 years ago. Once when sitting alone in the journalism room, pondering what writings I
should or should not include in that years creative writing collection there came upon me the greatest feeling of
simplicity in my life. I'd account it to the same feeling as buddhist 'satori'. For like maybe 10 seconds. I felt
like I understood everything, life, death, balance, infinity, nothingness, emptiness. Then it faded. I wrote a poem
about it, which is not at hand unfortunately. It still couldn't capture the absoluteness of the moment. Sometimes when I question my religious beliefs I try to summon up that moment in my mind to remind me why I started this path.
My roommate comments, "I'll show you the where the universe comes from"... heh.