Once more with feeling:
Or alternatively titled
starving to death at the end of the world , if I wanted to be all first world problems about it.
It's cold here but not amazing cold.
Fashion tip! get a stripey scarf , a thick woolen one, sports style.
If it's machine knitted, it is most likely made as sealed tube, so if you cut the ends open you now have a ridiculously oversized, warm, legwarmer!
Wahey.
Um.. yep. I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm trying to get myself to not go to bed at insane o 'clock, but there is something so reassuringly life denied about sleeping in all day. I sewn monsters, I write material for role playing games and pester my friends to play. Days zing by alarmingly. The dog who now lives here is adorable, so there's that. It is a staffy however and requires absurd amount of exercise. 2 walks a day up the hill and around the back and down again seem to be the bare minimum to tire it out. Flatmate has roller skates and its going to use the dog as a form of propulsion. As long as dog does not stop suddenly , this should be good plan. If that does work I am going to start using the dog as a pack mule.
I'm trying that structure thing. I have wrote stuff down. So I can look at it and go "hey that's some stuff".
Pole dancing twice a week, + at least one self directed work out. That should slowly get back to shape again from my previous 7-8 hours of krav maga a week. Which admittedly was an absolute struggle.
A friend had intestinal parasites of some variety, side effects include lethargy. I am hoping I got them off her so I can blame my deteriorating energy levels on that. Parasites can be fixed with pills.
Pill fixes are the best fixes. Pills pills pills.
Other things on list include making xorn for art trade (which I had pretty much already done , I just put it on there so I could cross something off real soon, anyone else do that?) , making polar bear (commission , by mum), making sparrow elephant (a bribe to get someone to photoshop one for me), and giant shark.
I just wrote "it's nice to have goals" but then my brain threw up some. It feels like I have committed myself to asylum again, but one of these "community care" ones where you are in a government flat somewhere and they just occasionally check in to make sure you take your pills and have not opened anyone's cat lately.
Occupational therapy.
As in motivations exists only to "keep busy" or "have goals", some pointless make-work to keep you from biting people. WHich I admit, is better than being on the street or working hospitality again.
When I was younger , I had this sense of the was the cool scene just around the corner, like with real fun people and the sweet party. You know the party? The one you get dressed up for but never actually find? You know getting a tingly sensation as you go out? That feeling of being exactly where you need to be at exactly the right time? But hey the parties always suck and you get wasted until you are either bleeding and/or naked. But yeah that feeling.
Is that just a young person thing? Is that something you lose as you get older? That tingle?
The closest it gets now a brief realization that nothing is going wrong right now and you should prob feel good about that. And it's not "oh you need danger to feel alive blah blah" fuck that. That sick gnawing sensation and icy adrenaline dumps actually did not make me feel good about being alive.
I.. had a point somewhere.. back to parties and scenes and whatever you look at and admire and aspire to.
Do you have that? I got close to where I thought I wanted to be and it was bullshit. And shit is this how people get older? You stop looking around and dig a hole, jump throw a marriage and a mortgage over your self and begin rotting? I'm not a person who tolerates being bored, and I'm very good at finding ways to entertain myself, but shit I think deep down I'm really really bored and really frustrated and it's gnawing away at me this feeling of "this is actually as good as it gets", because shit, I got the rent payed, I don't have to do any bullshit work, no-one close to me is trying to kill themselves, no-one I care about has been assaulted (recently), I don't have court coming up, no-ones out to kill me, I'm not engaged in a pissing contest with some drug-damaged scene virus, I'm not sick, I'm all up in the first world here, so this is good right?
Oh look just to complete the teen journal indulgence of this whole post imma finish with quoting some song lyrics:
"
The stars are getting in and out of automobiles
And we keep wondering when we're gonna feel something real
Keep waiting for a Santa that'll never come
A real party not just people who're faking fun
But everything gets erased before it's even said
And all that glitters isn't gold when inside it's dead
"
princess out..
Or alternatively titled
starving to death at the end of the world , if I wanted to be all first world problems about it.
It's cold here but not amazing cold.
Fashion tip! get a stripey scarf , a thick woolen one, sports style.
If it's machine knitted, it is most likely made as sealed tube, so if you cut the ends open you now have a ridiculously oversized, warm, legwarmer!
Wahey.
Um.. yep. I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm trying to get myself to not go to bed at insane o 'clock, but there is something so reassuringly life denied about sleeping in all day. I sewn monsters, I write material for role playing games and pester my friends to play. Days zing by alarmingly. The dog who now lives here is adorable, so there's that. It is a staffy however and requires absurd amount of exercise. 2 walks a day up the hill and around the back and down again seem to be the bare minimum to tire it out. Flatmate has roller skates and its going to use the dog as a form of propulsion. As long as dog does not stop suddenly , this should be good plan. If that does work I am going to start using the dog as a pack mule.
I'm trying that structure thing. I have wrote stuff down. So I can look at it and go "hey that's some stuff".
Pole dancing twice a week, + at least one self directed work out. That should slowly get back to shape again from my previous 7-8 hours of krav maga a week. Which admittedly was an absolute struggle.
A friend had intestinal parasites of some variety, side effects include lethargy. I am hoping I got them off her so I can blame my deteriorating energy levels on that. Parasites can be fixed with pills.
Pill fixes are the best fixes. Pills pills pills.
Other things on list include making xorn for art trade (which I had pretty much already done , I just put it on there so I could cross something off real soon, anyone else do that?) , making polar bear (commission , by mum), making sparrow elephant (a bribe to get someone to photoshop one for me), and giant shark.
I just wrote "it's nice to have goals" but then my brain threw up some. It feels like I have committed myself to asylum again, but one of these "community care" ones where you are in a government flat somewhere and they just occasionally check in to make sure you take your pills and have not opened anyone's cat lately.
Occupational therapy.
As in motivations exists only to "keep busy" or "have goals", some pointless make-work to keep you from biting people. WHich I admit, is better than being on the street or working hospitality again.
When I was younger , I had this sense of the was the cool scene just around the corner, like with real fun people and the sweet party. You know the party? The one you get dressed up for but never actually find? You know getting a tingly sensation as you go out? That feeling of being exactly where you need to be at exactly the right time? But hey the parties always suck and you get wasted until you are either bleeding and/or naked. But yeah that feeling.
Is that just a young person thing? Is that something you lose as you get older? That tingle?
The closest it gets now a brief realization that nothing is going wrong right now and you should prob feel good about that. And it's not "oh you need danger to feel alive blah blah" fuck that. That sick gnawing sensation and icy adrenaline dumps actually did not make me feel good about being alive.
I.. had a point somewhere.. back to parties and scenes and whatever you look at and admire and aspire to.
Do you have that? I got close to where I thought I wanted to be and it was bullshit. And shit is this how people get older? You stop looking around and dig a hole, jump throw a marriage and a mortgage over your self and begin rotting? I'm not a person who tolerates being bored, and I'm very good at finding ways to entertain myself, but shit I think deep down I'm really really bored and really frustrated and it's gnawing away at me this feeling of "this is actually as good as it gets", because shit, I got the rent payed, I don't have to do any bullshit work, no-one close to me is trying to kill themselves, no-one I care about has been assaulted (recently), I don't have court coming up, no-ones out to kill me, I'm not engaged in a pissing contest with some drug-damaged scene virus, I'm not sick, I'm all up in the first world here, so this is good right?
Oh look just to complete the teen journal indulgence of this whole post imma finish with quoting some song lyrics:
"
The stars are getting in and out of automobiles
And we keep wondering when we're gonna feel something real
Keep waiting for a Santa that'll never come
A real party not just people who're faking fun
But everything gets erased before it's even said
And all that glitters isn't gold when inside it's dead
"
princess out..
zaksmith:
I just read the Kate bush one. Jeez it must be scary.