thirteen rules of etiquette for coffeeshop customers:
1. i realize this should be an elementary concept, but please observe courtesy rules and if there are people ahead of you, actually GET IN LINE. i realize it may come as something of a revelation to you, but you are not special. walking further down the counter and shouting your order at me as i work on preparing the order of one of the ten people who are ahead of you just isn't going to get you anything but ignored.
2. please, don't come in, order a drink, and while i'm making it, stand there and tell me how much better starbucks does it. if they're so much better, GO THERE. i can give you directions.
3. tipping, while appreciated, is optional. don't give me a ten-minute explanation of why you don't tip. i don't really care, and you're keeping me from waiting on people who might tip me. if you don't want to tip, don't. no explanation of your feelings on the matter is required.
4. if you order a twelve-ounce cappucino with three shots of espresso in it, it is going to have a "strong coffee taste" no matter what. don't order something with three or four or five shots of espresso and then complain that it's "too strong." a drink with four or five shots is going to be strong even if i mix it with a quart of milk. coffee tastes like coffee. espresso tastes like STRONG coffee. bear that in mind.
5. yes, i have heard dennis leary's routine about "just coffee-flavored coffee" and how coffeeshops don't have it.
6. please don't come in so twitchy and sweaty and raccoon-eyed and shifty that you might as well be wearing a tee-shirt that says "i *heart* crank" and ask to take the phone in the bathroom so you can use it in private. use the pay phone for your drug calls, kay?
7. i have ZERO CONTROL over pricing issues. that's something you really need to take up with a member of management if you feel it's a problem. similarly, i cannot "make you a deal" on anything. if you want to bargain, go to the flea market.
8. please view porn at home, or somewhere similarly private, not on a public computer. you may not be aware that everyone can see what you're looking at, but i assure you that they can. PLEASE PLEASE do not look at porn with your hands down your pants...EVER. this is unspeakably gross for the person who has to come over and tell you to knock it the fuck off.
9. if you pull up to the drive-thru and order four sandwiches and three milkshakes, there's going to be a wait time. probably ten minutes or so. everything we serve is hand-made. if that's a problem, go to burger king.
10. do not hang around outside at closing time because you'd like to ask out the barista of your choice. this creeps us out.
11. do not assume that since i work behind a counter, i am stupid. i once had a customer make a joke to his friends that was predicated on his assumption that i would not know what the word "utopia" meant. asshole.
12, the "cappucino" you get at the gas station vending machine and actual cappucino are entirely different things. i cannot make you anything that's going to taste just like what you get at the gas station.
13. don't order a drink, sit at the computer for half an hour without touching it, and then return it because it's "ice cold." of course it's cold, you let it sit for half an hour. various laws of science dictate that when a hot drink sits on a table in a paper cup for thirty minutes, it's going to cool down. as i have no superpowers that allow me to suspend said laws of science, do not proceed to read me the riot act about your cold drink at this point.
xoxo
1. i realize this should be an elementary concept, but please observe courtesy rules and if there are people ahead of you, actually GET IN LINE. i realize it may come as something of a revelation to you, but you are not special. walking further down the counter and shouting your order at me as i work on preparing the order of one of the ten people who are ahead of you just isn't going to get you anything but ignored.
2. please, don't come in, order a drink, and while i'm making it, stand there and tell me how much better starbucks does it. if they're so much better, GO THERE. i can give you directions.
3. tipping, while appreciated, is optional. don't give me a ten-minute explanation of why you don't tip. i don't really care, and you're keeping me from waiting on people who might tip me. if you don't want to tip, don't. no explanation of your feelings on the matter is required.
4. if you order a twelve-ounce cappucino with three shots of espresso in it, it is going to have a "strong coffee taste" no matter what. don't order something with three or four or five shots of espresso and then complain that it's "too strong." a drink with four or five shots is going to be strong even if i mix it with a quart of milk. coffee tastes like coffee. espresso tastes like STRONG coffee. bear that in mind.
5. yes, i have heard dennis leary's routine about "just coffee-flavored coffee" and how coffeeshops don't have it.
6. please don't come in so twitchy and sweaty and raccoon-eyed and shifty that you might as well be wearing a tee-shirt that says "i *heart* crank" and ask to take the phone in the bathroom so you can use it in private. use the pay phone for your drug calls, kay?
7. i have ZERO CONTROL over pricing issues. that's something you really need to take up with a member of management if you feel it's a problem. similarly, i cannot "make you a deal" on anything. if you want to bargain, go to the flea market.
8. please view porn at home, or somewhere similarly private, not on a public computer. you may not be aware that everyone can see what you're looking at, but i assure you that they can. PLEASE PLEASE do not look at porn with your hands down your pants...EVER. this is unspeakably gross for the person who has to come over and tell you to knock it the fuck off.
9. if you pull up to the drive-thru and order four sandwiches and three milkshakes, there's going to be a wait time. probably ten minutes or so. everything we serve is hand-made. if that's a problem, go to burger king.
10. do not hang around outside at closing time because you'd like to ask out the barista of your choice. this creeps us out.
11. do not assume that since i work behind a counter, i am stupid. i once had a customer make a joke to his friends that was predicated on his assumption that i would not know what the word "utopia" meant. asshole.
12, the "cappucino" you get at the gas station vending machine and actual cappucino are entirely different things. i cannot make you anything that's going to taste just like what you get at the gas station.
13. don't order a drink, sit at the computer for half an hour without touching it, and then return it because it's "ice cold." of course it's cold, you let it sit for half an hour. various laws of science dictate that when a hot drink sits on a table in a paper cup for thirty minutes, it's going to cool down. as i have no superpowers that allow me to suspend said laws of science, do not proceed to read me the riot act about your cold drink at this point.
xoxo
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BTW, your profile pictures scares me!