Disclaimer:
Ok kids, this entry will probably be a bit on the long side, so bear with me. However, I'm posting this because I need (semi-) unbiased opinions and feedback regarding this situation... most of my people in the "real" world have their own experiences within this situation and therefor cannot detach their own emotional aspect. So anyhoo... here it goes...
Forgiveness
I'm a big fan of forgiveness. I'm not one to usually hold a grudge, though I will admit there are a few exceptions. For example, there was this girl named Gretchen who tortured me endless during junior high, and even to this day, I think I would have to punch her in the face if I saw her. But all in all, I tend to forgive, even though I don't always forget. No ill will against any of my exes, not even against my old crack head roommate who stole all my shit. However, I'm also not a doormat. I may be on the shy and awkward side when meeting new people, but with people I know, its a different story. I have no issue expressing my opinion, and there is a problem, or I feel you've done me wrong, my tendency is to want to deal with, get it over with, and move on. If it becomes a pattern, I just won't deal with that person anymore. It sounds a bit harsh saying it out loud, but life is too short to deal with people who are negative/hurtful/manipulative/etc... and my tolerance for bullshit is very low. It's not that I hold these super high standards, but I do believe whole-heartedly in the Golden Rule.
The one person who has gotten more chances than anybody else is my mother. You may remember references to "Mommy Bipolar" in previous entries. It's pretty cliche for a daughter to not get along with her mother, but this goes way beyond that. There is, of course, a lifetime of events leading up to why I feel the way I feel, and obviously I can't go over every one here. But let me try and give you an idea of what kind of person she is by telling you some of the things she's put me through.
- I get a call at 7am. It's my sister, who was 12 at the time, calling me from a payphone where she is standing in her pj's. She's bawling, and had run from the house after my mom beat her with a shoe because she didn't get out of bed for school.
- Or there was the time I came to visit her, and she had planned a fun night of drinking and pool with some friends from the neighborhood. It turns out she had promised one of her friends, old enough to be my father, that I would sleep with him.
- Or when she told the entire family that she had cancer and was going to die right after my uncle had been killed in a house fire. (which was a lie)
- Or the time she grabbed me by the throat and tried to choke me because I wouldn't get in the car with her (she was drunk) so we could drive an hour to go throw a casserole through some guys window (she went without me)
I could go on and on. I haven't even gotten into the shit she's done to my poor 74 year old grandmother. The fact of the matter is she's a fucking train wreck. Twice I've changed my # because of her. When I was still in AZ, I came very close to getting a restraining order. She's sick. I know this. Though never formally diagnosed, we all think she's suffers from some sort of mental illness. My theory is borderline personality disorder. But that's compounded by her love for booze and popping pills, and she seems completely incapable of making a good decision about anything. For years, I tried everything in my brain to try and get her help. I went to the government, I went to family, I went to my sister's school, I called mental health departments and hospitals. Even after she was arrested a few years ago, I thought that might spark someone's interest in getting her help, but no dice. Even the social worker who was supposed to check on her never did allegedly.
When I started getting sick, I seemed to become a focus for a lot of her anger. It was like I was suddenly competition to her. And when things got worse, I just couldn't take it anymore. There was one big incident (which I'm going into detail about), but it was the final straw. My focus had to be selfish. I needed to work on my health, and I was too exhausted to try and help someone who didn't want the help. So I cut her off. I told her she could no longer be in my life unless things started to change. And if she wanted me to even CONSIDER allowing her back in, I would need two things: an apology and an explanation. I got neither, and I stuck to my guns. That was about 2 years ago. The only time I've talked to her was when I was in the hospital last Thanksgiving, and I was so doped up on morphine, I could have been talking to the Pope for all I knew.
Fast forward to now. My mom has been abusing her body for years. Drinking, pharming, eating nothing with nutritional value. Having unprotected sex with sketchy men, some of whom have been violent. Refusing to go to the doctor for minor health problems. And there's an excuse for all of it. Well guess what? Now she's got some health problems. Big surprise. I haven't seen her in a few years, but I guess she's lost a ton of weight and looks like shit. Again, I don't see why anyone else is surprised. But now I've been getting calls from my sister and grandmother, telling me I should call her because she's sick, blah, blah, blah... Ok, first, I'm not convinced she is sick. She very well could be, but she's done this before. I can't tell you how many times she's had "cancer", each time just a figment of her imagination or bid for attention. And each time seems to fall around a time when someone else in the family has something going on. Right now, its my grandmother. She's considering leaving AZ and moving back to Chicago to be closer to my aunt. She's too old for all this drama. My sister is also considering leaving, and moving in with me. I think this is my mother's ploy to keep both from leaving. Call it the boy-who-cried-wolf-syndrome.
The other scenario would be that she really is sick. But then here's my issue with that... the disease she is "crying" to my grandma is really not that serious, on par with diabetes. Dangerous but manageable. I just happen to know because I have a friend who has it. But she's communicating it to my grandmother like its a brain tumor. And if she is, really... what should I do about it? Feel bad when she's been self destructing for years? When I spent years of my life trying to prevent it? And when I know she hasn't changed one iota? Even a sick person can be a mean, hateful, spiteful person. Ultimately, nothing has changed. If I felt it had, maybe things would be different, but I'm just not buying it. The thing is, I'm not angry. I've forgiven her. But I also know she is a toxic person. And honestly, I don't really feel anything at all. She's pushed me to apathy.
I want honest feedback here. I don't believe in blood being thicker than water. There are deal breakers. I once heard someone say that love does not mean going down with the ship. I agree and think it applies here. So tell me... am I wrong? Am I horrible callous person? Do I somehow owe her something because she gave birth to me? Or am I just protecting myself? Be honest. Brutally so if you need to be. And again, sorry it was so long.
p.s. aside from all this bullshit, things are going really well! We got rain today! Weeeee! I'm a happy doobie!
Ok kids, this entry will probably be a bit on the long side, so bear with me. However, I'm posting this because I need (semi-) unbiased opinions and feedback regarding this situation... most of my people in the "real" world have their own experiences within this situation and therefor cannot detach their own emotional aspect. So anyhoo... here it goes...
Forgiveness
I'm a big fan of forgiveness. I'm not one to usually hold a grudge, though I will admit there are a few exceptions. For example, there was this girl named Gretchen who tortured me endless during junior high, and even to this day, I think I would have to punch her in the face if I saw her. But all in all, I tend to forgive, even though I don't always forget. No ill will against any of my exes, not even against my old crack head roommate who stole all my shit. However, I'm also not a doormat. I may be on the shy and awkward side when meeting new people, but with people I know, its a different story. I have no issue expressing my opinion, and there is a problem, or I feel you've done me wrong, my tendency is to want to deal with, get it over with, and move on. If it becomes a pattern, I just won't deal with that person anymore. It sounds a bit harsh saying it out loud, but life is too short to deal with people who are negative/hurtful/manipulative/etc... and my tolerance for bullshit is very low. It's not that I hold these super high standards, but I do believe whole-heartedly in the Golden Rule.
The one person who has gotten more chances than anybody else is my mother. You may remember references to "Mommy Bipolar" in previous entries. It's pretty cliche for a daughter to not get along with her mother, but this goes way beyond that. There is, of course, a lifetime of events leading up to why I feel the way I feel, and obviously I can't go over every one here. But let me try and give you an idea of what kind of person she is by telling you some of the things she's put me through.
- I get a call at 7am. It's my sister, who was 12 at the time, calling me from a payphone where she is standing in her pj's. She's bawling, and had run from the house after my mom beat her with a shoe because she didn't get out of bed for school.
- Or there was the time I came to visit her, and she had planned a fun night of drinking and pool with some friends from the neighborhood. It turns out she had promised one of her friends, old enough to be my father, that I would sleep with him.
- Or when she told the entire family that she had cancer and was going to die right after my uncle had been killed in a house fire. (which was a lie)
- Or the time she grabbed me by the throat and tried to choke me because I wouldn't get in the car with her (she was drunk) so we could drive an hour to go throw a casserole through some guys window (she went without me)
I could go on and on. I haven't even gotten into the shit she's done to my poor 74 year old grandmother. The fact of the matter is she's a fucking train wreck. Twice I've changed my # because of her. When I was still in AZ, I came very close to getting a restraining order. She's sick. I know this. Though never formally diagnosed, we all think she's suffers from some sort of mental illness. My theory is borderline personality disorder. But that's compounded by her love for booze and popping pills, and she seems completely incapable of making a good decision about anything. For years, I tried everything in my brain to try and get her help. I went to the government, I went to family, I went to my sister's school, I called mental health departments and hospitals. Even after she was arrested a few years ago, I thought that might spark someone's interest in getting her help, but no dice. Even the social worker who was supposed to check on her never did allegedly.
When I started getting sick, I seemed to become a focus for a lot of her anger. It was like I was suddenly competition to her. And when things got worse, I just couldn't take it anymore. There was one big incident (which I'm going into detail about), but it was the final straw. My focus had to be selfish. I needed to work on my health, and I was too exhausted to try and help someone who didn't want the help. So I cut her off. I told her she could no longer be in my life unless things started to change. And if she wanted me to even CONSIDER allowing her back in, I would need two things: an apology and an explanation. I got neither, and I stuck to my guns. That was about 2 years ago. The only time I've talked to her was when I was in the hospital last Thanksgiving, and I was so doped up on morphine, I could have been talking to the Pope for all I knew.
Fast forward to now. My mom has been abusing her body for years. Drinking, pharming, eating nothing with nutritional value. Having unprotected sex with sketchy men, some of whom have been violent. Refusing to go to the doctor for minor health problems. And there's an excuse for all of it. Well guess what? Now she's got some health problems. Big surprise. I haven't seen her in a few years, but I guess she's lost a ton of weight and looks like shit. Again, I don't see why anyone else is surprised. But now I've been getting calls from my sister and grandmother, telling me I should call her because she's sick, blah, blah, blah... Ok, first, I'm not convinced she is sick. She very well could be, but she's done this before. I can't tell you how many times she's had "cancer", each time just a figment of her imagination or bid for attention. And each time seems to fall around a time when someone else in the family has something going on. Right now, its my grandmother. She's considering leaving AZ and moving back to Chicago to be closer to my aunt. She's too old for all this drama. My sister is also considering leaving, and moving in with me. I think this is my mother's ploy to keep both from leaving. Call it the boy-who-cried-wolf-syndrome.
The other scenario would be that she really is sick. But then here's my issue with that... the disease she is "crying" to my grandma is really not that serious, on par with diabetes. Dangerous but manageable. I just happen to know because I have a friend who has it. But she's communicating it to my grandmother like its a brain tumor. And if she is, really... what should I do about it? Feel bad when she's been self destructing for years? When I spent years of my life trying to prevent it? And when I know she hasn't changed one iota? Even a sick person can be a mean, hateful, spiteful person. Ultimately, nothing has changed. If I felt it had, maybe things would be different, but I'm just not buying it. The thing is, I'm not angry. I've forgiven her. But I also know she is a toxic person. And honestly, I don't really feel anything at all. She's pushed me to apathy.
I want honest feedback here. I don't believe in blood being thicker than water. There are deal breakers. I once heard someone say that love does not mean going down with the ship. I agree and think it applies here. So tell me... am I wrong? Am I horrible callous person? Do I somehow owe her something because she gave birth to me? Or am I just protecting myself? Be honest. Brutally so if you need to be. And again, sorry it was so long.
p.s. aside from all this bullshit, things are going really well! We got rain today! Weeeee! I'm a happy doobie!
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
nopantsdave:
I have the next two days off. I am going to the Reds game tomorrow night in the hopes that there will be tons and tons of fireworks. Other than that, I've nothing going on. Fri-Sun I work from 4pm until way later than I would like. We should probably hang out at some point, eh. I think I can stomach being seen in public with you....I mean, it's not like I am going to see anyone I know.
candykydfairy:
okay...i have a few family members like this....so i feel your pain....my grandmother bein the main one i can think of who is insanely more psycho, violent, & evil that what you're dealin with...so, at least take comfort in the fact that it could be worse..i think that sometimes it does seem that these people are only dealin with karma comin back around & their bad choices catchinup to them...you have to remember that after all you've done, you should come first right now....i wouldn't completely shut her out but it seems you understand the exaggerations and know when to say no...which is sometimes the hardest part...there are limits to what we should ever have to put up from another person...be it family or not...and once we understand our own personal set of limitations we can better deal with the situations that will inevitably arise with these types of people.... so in other words, i think you're on the right track..