Life goes by too fast when things are good; yet manages to drag endlessly when they are not. I hate the feelings that come with the holidays... every year I expect it to get easier; and it seems it never does. I smile more these past few years, and put more effort into it... but that's only because seeing the joy on my son's face makes it all wonderful again. But then, thanks to the joy and magic of divorce and stupid bullshit legalities, after Christmas morning gifts from Santa are opened, and the excitement starts to ware off, my beautiful baby boy heads off to spend the day with his father... and I'm alone... with nothing but my memories to haunt me.
Sometimes I think that maybe this is the hand I earned... not the one I was dealt... as if when I blinked, someone snatched the cards from under my fingertips and replaced them with something else... all without me ever noticing. I see so much good in life; in my life; and at times I wonder how there can be so much evil hidden in so much beauty. How can things seem to be so magical and suddenly turn to nightmares? I suppose that's what I get for believing in magic, huh?
All I know is that we are less than a month from Christmas; a day I dread more than the thought of being in a hospital for in-patient surgery for a tooth extraction by a midget clown wielding massive needles. All I want on that day this year (other than the impossible, or other things I know just simply cannot happen) is for my guy to be here with me. I want him to hold me when I lose it and fall apart. Selfishly, I want him to see how much it kills me, so he can understand how much he helps me with things. I want him to see the hole in my heart and how deep, dark, and still bleeding it is; so that maybe he can understand how much he heals me; how much he makes me happy; and how amazing it is that he is able to make me feel the ways he does; to give me hope, to make me believe; and mainly, to give me faith in human emotion again. I won't tell him, but I really do need him here with me... with my brother overseas, my son with his father, and no one to hold me together when I fall apart; I don't even want to think of what that moment would be like, or how life would be changed afterwards.
Holy fuck, I hate Christmas.
Sometimes I think that maybe this is the hand I earned... not the one I was dealt... as if when I blinked, someone snatched the cards from under my fingertips and replaced them with something else... all without me ever noticing. I see so much good in life; in my life; and at times I wonder how there can be so much evil hidden in so much beauty. How can things seem to be so magical and suddenly turn to nightmares? I suppose that's what I get for believing in magic, huh?
All I know is that we are less than a month from Christmas; a day I dread more than the thought of being in a hospital for in-patient surgery for a tooth extraction by a midget clown wielding massive needles. All I want on that day this year (other than the impossible, or other things I know just simply cannot happen) is for my guy to be here with me. I want him to hold me when I lose it and fall apart. Selfishly, I want him to see how much it kills me, so he can understand how much he helps me with things. I want him to see the hole in my heart and how deep, dark, and still bleeding it is; so that maybe he can understand how much he heals me; how much he makes me happy; and how amazing it is that he is able to make me feel the ways he does; to give me hope, to make me believe; and mainly, to give me faith in human emotion again. I won't tell him, but I really do need him here with me... with my brother overseas, my son with his father, and no one to hold me together when I fall apart; I don't even want to think of what that moment would be like, or how life would be changed afterwards.
Holy fuck, I hate Christmas.