I've been more than out of sorts for a few weeks now: It's a major rant... but I really have no where else to put it. So, if you're into someone who just can't get his current shit together ranting on, feel free. If not, let us know if you or someone you know in AZ is looking for a nice roommate situation for a very low price in a safe neighbourhood that is comfy with geeks and arts types. We have one... $400 utilities included. It's a nice place with a huge (400ft/sq patio!!!) and nice people. At least I think we're nice folk...
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Months ago, we set our entire home life into a jumble to help my best friend, who I thought was in a position of need, where no one would help her in what she needed. Her relationship with her now ex-fiance ended, and she was out of a place obviously. So, I insisted that, while we did not have much money, we did have the ability to extend our lease into a larger apartment to accommodate her and us. There were two choices, but in the end we chose the largest apartment to move into. We went from a 700 ft/sq one bedroom apartment with no patio (nicknamed the bunker since it was a sub-level), to a 1100 ft/sq 2 bedroom loft apartment with 400 ft/sq patio. The rent (and subsequent power bill for a 35 foot vaulted ceiling) that in the end costs well on to twice what we owed. I spent my entire income tax return to move into the new place, putting off either getting dental work I desperately need or getting a replacement car for the Cavalier that was totaled earlier this year.
Then, just before the move, I was hit at work causing me to lose my taxi job.
But, we pushed on and, bolstered with my fiance's temp job with the Census, moved everything in short time. We moved quick to find money to make the move as simple as possible, and to organize the paperwork so that my best friend could be put onto the lease with a minimum of fuss and no deposit, allowing her to build her residence credit fast so she could get back on her feet.
Two months passed, and she had STILL not moved in. She was staying at her mother's spare bedroom 12 miles away, and dragging her feet not even packing her things at her old place. Her fiance had already moved out into a one bedroom. She was claiming that he was "keeping her" from getting off the lease and moving out fully.
So, I took the initiative and went over. I packed and moved ALL of her things save for two couches, which two of her co-workers helped with. Even while feeling very ill, I made it work because she needed a safe place. We didn't even put up any artwork until she could find her own style to put in there.
She stayed for 4 weeks, but soon started complaining how ghetto everything was. How noisy it was. How it was "not what it was supposed to be" and how her newest affair with a married man (not weeks out of her old relationship of several years) was going horribly. Then she claimed that her new job was working her 7 days a week 14 hours a day (as a medic), and every night there was a new over-the-top dramatic story about witnessing some suicide, or how her ex fiance was stalking her, or how she had gained ANOTHER stalker on top of that. She constantly went on about her therapist, and how she won't tell her everything because "it's too extreme for her..." like she's been living the life of some SAS operative. I've tried to be supportive, since after spending years driving a cab I can honestly say I've seen quite a bit of just about everything in my time, and if things are that chaotic perhaps I could help with a little perspective like a friend of mine has done a few times. Her response? "You will never understand, you're too naive to what's *really* going on".
Eventually, she stopped coming home altogether. She would not answer the phone. When I confronted her on what was really going on, she proclaimed that she was armed, and reached behind her back and audibly cocked her pistol. She had demanded that in order to be a "productive" person, I needed to give up the "dream" of making a living in the arts because I could not, by her assertions, and that I just "don't understand her". She didn't even come see the first show that I have performed in after nearly 2 years, and when I told her of my appointment as resident technical director at a local theater, she didn't even acknowledge it, saying "it won't last".
That day, I lost my best friend.
She spent 4 weeks waiting to move her unpacked belongings out of our home. She paid most of the rent (never all of it) and never paid for any utilities, while leaving her $3000 imac and computer equipment running 24/7, driving our power bill nuts. She would only drop off part of her rent with "bodyguards", which was only meant to intimidate us (and did a bad job since she only came when I was not there). She finally came to get her things, letting herself in. Her "friend" that came to help did one load... and left. Perhaps he had to work, who knows. But, later that day she paid movers to come in and take the rest of the things. She would not look me in the eye, she was armed, and would not even mention a word to me. After 7 years....
In the process of asking the apartment management what it would take to change the locks, they informed me that she never submitted the background check and credit information to be put on the lease, and that she was an unregistered occupant. She said she did.... and lied to us. It proved that she intended all along to not help us with the lease, but to use us to get her stuff out of her old place. Around this same time, her new job called both me and my fiance to confirm her mailing address, residence and references. The next week, she finally moved. She used us AGAIN to secure her new job with an address, and when she was done with us, she left us high and dry. Then it brought up memories of my phonecall to her ex when she called on the way to the house, claiming he was chasing her in his car. I called him right away to sort things out, and in the background, I hear his microwave and a few plates and silverware.... and I know the exact sound since I had been in her apartment before. All of this while he was supposed to be "chasing" her.
After 7 years.... I was used and lied to by the one person I called my honest best friend. So much so I related to her as my sister to everyone I knew. I honestly thought we were a perfect match. Someone I could trust and that I countless times gave everything I had and then some to help. I dropped entire shifts at work to drive her to gigs in Tucson when her truck broke down. I lent her hundreds for a downpayment on a bike to learn to ride on so eventually we could go on our own "Long Way Round"... the ultimate buddy trip on motorbikes that we wanted to do since we first saw a documentary in college about a round the world cycle trip. I was there to help her get her first place on her own. I used my connections to get her first job outside of school. I was the first person who ever taught her how to shoot. I taught her how to ride a motorbike. I taught her Japanese. I introduced her to her fiance, and by my getting drunk while sick, ended up being the catalyst for staying up all night together to make sure I didn't die and ended up chatting the night away. I took her and walked her through getting her first bank account. I was up countless nights consoling her when her latest affair with whatever married man went down the drain... again....
Granted she wasn't there for me to drive me back from the doctor's appointment when they discovered a mass in my abdomen. She wasn't there when I was pushed into moving 200 miles away to take a job I didn't want by a manipulative ex. She wasn't there when I was hit by a meth-induced driver and was put in hospital for weeks on my motorcycle (I ended up taking a taxi home after getting discharged, with a shattered kneecap, every rib broken on my right side and 8 of my 10 fingers broken).
But, I was going to be there for her, Because she was there a few times for me.... and I am so short on friends because of my stupid trust in renfaire freaks and drug addicts has ruined social trust for me, I value every kind thing said to me. Treat me with respect, and you have a loyal friend for life. I do not judge, and have even found room in my mostly-straight-edge heart to befriend and value the company of even a few select stoners because they show true kindness.
And, she me. Used me and left me... and I dragged my girl into this as well.
Now, all I have is some pictures of her, copies of "Long Way Round" on the computer, and the scooter she let rot to malfunction sitting in our apartment complex. She abandoned the bike because it's not the highest of luxury Vespas and expects me to clean up the mess for her.
I've lost a lot of things in the past two years. Before all of this, I lost most of my memories in an apartment fire set by a renfaire stalker: All my pictures, my music, the books I was writing.... everything. And, I was ok with that. Those are just things. I lost my way of life as a production manager when they got vindictive but that was ok: It wasn't real theater and it forced me to move on. After the motorcycle accident, I lost the ability to play piano... a fact that was brought to light again that I just cannot shake. Lately, I've lost my scooter, my flexible (a shitty one, but you hold onto the flexiblity) taxi job, my university job that never gave me hours or respect, all but one of my firearms that I used to shoot so much.... and recently, my ability to work shows now that I work a fast food job at night that doesn't even make enough to cover the bills.
But, what hurts most of all is losing my best friend.
We're scrambling for a roommate so I can afford to pay the rent so I don't lose my home. But even then, I won't have enough for my girl's birthday gift. I don't have enough to replace the car that got totaled.... hell, we don't have enough to keep her car that I'm having to use for the fast food job registered and running. The "insurance" the job offers won't cover the doctor's appointment I desperately need, but it will get me in the door. And, I won't be able to even get the bankruptcy I need to keep what chances of survival for any job or credit function that I've been trying to get for 2 years. I've honestly lost most all hope.... and it's not like we get help from anyone. We've been shown some help from a friend, but she's a fair weather friend and only helps when it's convenient for her. Otherwise, we're on our own, and it's usually up to me to find that way to fix things or to take the initiative to make it happen.
But, most of all.... I've lost my way. I had a friend to ask where it was and who would help me sometimes find it, but now I don't have that. The only thing I have left is her, and I feel I am losing that too.
I know I'm no longer an artist, or even a productive member of society above fast food clerk with a useless degree, but this just makes me realize where I am at and not like the fact that perhaps, in the end, I belong here... that I did something so horrible to be here.
I can't start over again.
Months ago, we set our entire home life into a jumble to help my best friend, who I thought was in a position of need, where no one would help her in what she needed. Her relationship with her now ex-fiance ended, and she was out of a place obviously. So, I insisted that, while we did not have much money, we did have the ability to extend our lease into a larger apartment to accommodate her and us. There were two choices, but in the end we chose the largest apartment to move into. We went from a 700 ft/sq one bedroom apartment with no patio (nicknamed the bunker since it was a sub-level), to a 1100 ft/sq 2 bedroom loft apartment with 400 ft/sq patio. The rent (and subsequent power bill for a 35 foot vaulted ceiling) that in the end costs well on to twice what we owed. I spent my entire income tax return to move into the new place, putting off either getting dental work I desperately need or getting a replacement car for the Cavalier that was totaled earlier this year.
Then, just before the move, I was hit at work causing me to lose my taxi job.
But, we pushed on and, bolstered with my fiance's temp job with the Census, moved everything in short time. We moved quick to find money to make the move as simple as possible, and to organize the paperwork so that my best friend could be put onto the lease with a minimum of fuss and no deposit, allowing her to build her residence credit fast so she could get back on her feet.
Two months passed, and she had STILL not moved in. She was staying at her mother's spare bedroom 12 miles away, and dragging her feet not even packing her things at her old place. Her fiance had already moved out into a one bedroom. She was claiming that he was "keeping her" from getting off the lease and moving out fully.
So, I took the initiative and went over. I packed and moved ALL of her things save for two couches, which two of her co-workers helped with. Even while feeling very ill, I made it work because she needed a safe place. We didn't even put up any artwork until she could find her own style to put in there.
She stayed for 4 weeks, but soon started complaining how ghetto everything was. How noisy it was. How it was "not what it was supposed to be" and how her newest affair with a married man (not weeks out of her old relationship of several years) was going horribly. Then she claimed that her new job was working her 7 days a week 14 hours a day (as a medic), and every night there was a new over-the-top dramatic story about witnessing some suicide, or how her ex fiance was stalking her, or how she had gained ANOTHER stalker on top of that. She constantly went on about her therapist, and how she won't tell her everything because "it's too extreme for her..." like she's been living the life of some SAS operative. I've tried to be supportive, since after spending years driving a cab I can honestly say I've seen quite a bit of just about everything in my time, and if things are that chaotic perhaps I could help with a little perspective like a friend of mine has done a few times. Her response? "You will never understand, you're too naive to what's *really* going on".
Eventually, she stopped coming home altogether. She would not answer the phone. When I confronted her on what was really going on, she proclaimed that she was armed, and reached behind her back and audibly cocked her pistol. She had demanded that in order to be a "productive" person, I needed to give up the "dream" of making a living in the arts because I could not, by her assertions, and that I just "don't understand her". She didn't even come see the first show that I have performed in after nearly 2 years, and when I told her of my appointment as resident technical director at a local theater, she didn't even acknowledge it, saying "it won't last".
That day, I lost my best friend.
She spent 4 weeks waiting to move her unpacked belongings out of our home. She paid most of the rent (never all of it) and never paid for any utilities, while leaving her $3000 imac and computer equipment running 24/7, driving our power bill nuts. She would only drop off part of her rent with "bodyguards", which was only meant to intimidate us (and did a bad job since she only came when I was not there). She finally came to get her things, letting herself in. Her "friend" that came to help did one load... and left. Perhaps he had to work, who knows. But, later that day she paid movers to come in and take the rest of the things. She would not look me in the eye, she was armed, and would not even mention a word to me. After 7 years....
In the process of asking the apartment management what it would take to change the locks, they informed me that she never submitted the background check and credit information to be put on the lease, and that she was an unregistered occupant. She said she did.... and lied to us. It proved that she intended all along to not help us with the lease, but to use us to get her stuff out of her old place. Around this same time, her new job called both me and my fiance to confirm her mailing address, residence and references. The next week, she finally moved. She used us AGAIN to secure her new job with an address, and when she was done with us, she left us high and dry. Then it brought up memories of my phonecall to her ex when she called on the way to the house, claiming he was chasing her in his car. I called him right away to sort things out, and in the background, I hear his microwave and a few plates and silverware.... and I know the exact sound since I had been in her apartment before. All of this while he was supposed to be "chasing" her.
After 7 years.... I was used and lied to by the one person I called my honest best friend. So much so I related to her as my sister to everyone I knew. I honestly thought we were a perfect match. Someone I could trust and that I countless times gave everything I had and then some to help. I dropped entire shifts at work to drive her to gigs in Tucson when her truck broke down. I lent her hundreds for a downpayment on a bike to learn to ride on so eventually we could go on our own "Long Way Round"... the ultimate buddy trip on motorbikes that we wanted to do since we first saw a documentary in college about a round the world cycle trip. I was there to help her get her first place on her own. I used my connections to get her first job outside of school. I was the first person who ever taught her how to shoot. I taught her how to ride a motorbike. I taught her Japanese. I introduced her to her fiance, and by my getting drunk while sick, ended up being the catalyst for staying up all night together to make sure I didn't die and ended up chatting the night away. I took her and walked her through getting her first bank account. I was up countless nights consoling her when her latest affair with whatever married man went down the drain... again....
Granted she wasn't there for me to drive me back from the doctor's appointment when they discovered a mass in my abdomen. She wasn't there when I was pushed into moving 200 miles away to take a job I didn't want by a manipulative ex. She wasn't there when I was hit by a meth-induced driver and was put in hospital for weeks on my motorcycle (I ended up taking a taxi home after getting discharged, with a shattered kneecap, every rib broken on my right side and 8 of my 10 fingers broken).
But, I was going to be there for her, Because she was there a few times for me.... and I am so short on friends because of my stupid trust in renfaire freaks and drug addicts has ruined social trust for me, I value every kind thing said to me. Treat me with respect, and you have a loyal friend for life. I do not judge, and have even found room in my mostly-straight-edge heart to befriend and value the company of even a few select stoners because they show true kindness.
And, she me. Used me and left me... and I dragged my girl into this as well.
Now, all I have is some pictures of her, copies of "Long Way Round" on the computer, and the scooter she let rot to malfunction sitting in our apartment complex. She abandoned the bike because it's not the highest of luxury Vespas and expects me to clean up the mess for her.
I've lost a lot of things in the past two years. Before all of this, I lost most of my memories in an apartment fire set by a renfaire stalker: All my pictures, my music, the books I was writing.... everything. And, I was ok with that. Those are just things. I lost my way of life as a production manager when they got vindictive but that was ok: It wasn't real theater and it forced me to move on. After the motorcycle accident, I lost the ability to play piano... a fact that was brought to light again that I just cannot shake. Lately, I've lost my scooter, my flexible (a shitty one, but you hold onto the flexiblity) taxi job, my university job that never gave me hours or respect, all but one of my firearms that I used to shoot so much.... and recently, my ability to work shows now that I work a fast food job at night that doesn't even make enough to cover the bills.
But, what hurts most of all is losing my best friend.
We're scrambling for a roommate so I can afford to pay the rent so I don't lose my home. But even then, I won't have enough for my girl's birthday gift. I don't have enough to replace the car that got totaled.... hell, we don't have enough to keep her car that I'm having to use for the fast food job registered and running. The "insurance" the job offers won't cover the doctor's appointment I desperately need, but it will get me in the door. And, I won't be able to even get the bankruptcy I need to keep what chances of survival for any job or credit function that I've been trying to get for 2 years. I've honestly lost most all hope.... and it's not like we get help from anyone. We've been shown some help from a friend, but she's a fair weather friend and only helps when it's convenient for her. Otherwise, we're on our own, and it's usually up to me to find that way to fix things or to take the initiative to make it happen.
But, most of all.... I've lost my way. I had a friend to ask where it was and who would help me sometimes find it, but now I don't have that. The only thing I have left is her, and I feel I am losing that too.
I know I'm no longer an artist, or even a productive member of society above fast food clerk with a useless degree, but this just makes me realize where I am at and not like the fact that perhaps, in the end, I belong here... that I did something so horrible to be here.
I can't start over again.
Thanks for the space...