Title: One Last Rant Before I Die?
It sure feels that way sometimes. (Sorry Mal', I know I promised a happy post, but you'll have to look elsewhere.)
A day where something reminds you that the poop is going towards the propellar, and you're watching it in slow motion.
I didn't get to contact 'Saleem' when I wanted to. The boyos came over and brought Civilization The Board Game. I had fun, but now my best time to contact her is tuesday night.
But that's not why i'm at the precipise, looking down and greeting the jagged rocks.
I was doing fine for awhile. Slowly my apartment and my life was taking something resembling a shape. Things were looking up. No decent work yet, but I had to be patient, and it would come. Besides, no rush. I was doing fine as is. Bored and frustrated, but no emergency. All was well. Hell, I was even emotionally fine, writing in my journal about the days and how they went, like any normal person, instead of the deeply personal stuff I wrote in the past.
That changed quickly.
Tonight, myself and a couple of co-workers were talking in the lunchroom. Just usual chat. I keep it dumbed down for them, since they only seem to want to talk about women, sex, and pop culture. I'm not sure how it was brought up, but one man... lets call him Geoff, thought it was funny that I had a college education yet all I could get was a janitor's job.
I started to counter. I told him he was no better, and less educated.
Didn't phase him the slightest. In fact he was amused. He thought that it was a good thing! Why? Because he argues that he didn't waste three and a half years of his life, years he could have used earning an income, on an education that was not going to be used.
In other words, despite the education I have over him, he considers me as nothing more than scum, pathetic, useless, gullible scum. I was stupid enough to waste time on a degree. He wasn't. Therefore, he thinks he is actually smarter than me.
To make matters worse, he considers the fact that I cannot escape from this janitorial profession as proof that I was actually dumb and unimaginative enough to deserve it!
Did I argue it out? Defend my case? Told his ignorant, racist, sexist, filthy little mouth to keep closed and to stop making sounds that I swear resemble speech?
No. My arguements were feeble and weak. I was ill prepared. I could not give him a reason why it was worthwhile to be educated, or why misfortune dumped me with him instead of giving me a proper job.
I could not say. So, he won the argument.
Sad part is, I believe him. I may have very well wasted my time. The defining trait of me, the fact that I was educated, was nothing more than a farse. In his eyes, i'm not his equal. I'm a dumb sucker.
*Sigh*
Now what? The bubble's burst. I once dispelled the myth that my education made me something respectable. Now, I have to dispell the myth that it puts me on even par with anyone. I'm not even the equal of a janitor. I'm worse than that!
And all I can do is stew, seething with anger because depression lacks dignity. I would get a better life and shove it in his face but HOW?!?! Outside forces won't let me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't explain the invisible wall that shuts me out of what I want, but it's there, and I can't bust it down!!!!!!!!!!!! Instead I have to put up with the tauntings of a bunch of slack jawed idiots with the combined IQ's of a f**king walnut!
Gawd, not even a career in the military was enough to put me at ease. Even that seems like it will not be enough to gain the respect I so want!!!
I just want to break something!
Or die! Yes... DIE! God, give me some way to do it, or give me a path worth following!
It sure feels that way sometimes. (Sorry Mal', I know I promised a happy post, but you'll have to look elsewhere.)
A day where something reminds you that the poop is going towards the propellar, and you're watching it in slow motion.
I didn't get to contact 'Saleem' when I wanted to. The boyos came over and brought Civilization The Board Game. I had fun, but now my best time to contact her is tuesday night.
But that's not why i'm at the precipise, looking down and greeting the jagged rocks.
I was doing fine for awhile. Slowly my apartment and my life was taking something resembling a shape. Things were looking up. No decent work yet, but I had to be patient, and it would come. Besides, no rush. I was doing fine as is. Bored and frustrated, but no emergency. All was well. Hell, I was even emotionally fine, writing in my journal about the days and how they went, like any normal person, instead of the deeply personal stuff I wrote in the past.
That changed quickly.
Tonight, myself and a couple of co-workers were talking in the lunchroom. Just usual chat. I keep it dumbed down for them, since they only seem to want to talk about women, sex, and pop culture. I'm not sure how it was brought up, but one man... lets call him Geoff, thought it was funny that I had a college education yet all I could get was a janitor's job.
I started to counter. I told him he was no better, and less educated.
Didn't phase him the slightest. In fact he was amused. He thought that it was a good thing! Why? Because he argues that he didn't waste three and a half years of his life, years he could have used earning an income, on an education that was not going to be used.
In other words, despite the education I have over him, he considers me as nothing more than scum, pathetic, useless, gullible scum. I was stupid enough to waste time on a degree. He wasn't. Therefore, he thinks he is actually smarter than me.
To make matters worse, he considers the fact that I cannot escape from this janitorial profession as proof that I was actually dumb and unimaginative enough to deserve it!
Did I argue it out? Defend my case? Told his ignorant, racist, sexist, filthy little mouth to keep closed and to stop making sounds that I swear resemble speech?
No. My arguements were feeble and weak. I was ill prepared. I could not give him a reason why it was worthwhile to be educated, or why misfortune dumped me with him instead of giving me a proper job.
I could not say. So, he won the argument.
Sad part is, I believe him. I may have very well wasted my time. The defining trait of me, the fact that I was educated, was nothing more than a farse. In his eyes, i'm not his equal. I'm a dumb sucker.
*Sigh*
Now what? The bubble's burst. I once dispelled the myth that my education made me something respectable. Now, I have to dispell the myth that it puts me on even par with anyone. I'm not even the equal of a janitor. I'm worse than that!
And all I can do is stew, seething with anger because depression lacks dignity. I would get a better life and shove it in his face but HOW?!?! Outside forces won't let me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't explain the invisible wall that shuts me out of what I want, but it's there, and I can't bust it down!!!!!!!!!!!! Instead I have to put up with the tauntings of a bunch of slack jawed idiots with the combined IQ's of a f**king walnut!
Gawd, not even a career in the military was enough to put me at ease. Even that seems like it will not be enough to gain the respect I so want!!!
I just want to break something!
Or die! Yes... DIE! God, give me some way to do it, or give me a path worth following!
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Are you a custodian because you find it difficult to hold down another job because of your depression? This would be pretty understandable. Custodians often work at night and don't have to interact with people much, except their co-workers of course. Sometimes interacting with people, like your co-workers, exacerbates your depression--which makes you want to stay away from people. It is good that you have friends, though, as long as they are good for you.
Did your depression start in college? Did you finish college? This could be a cause of your depression. I know it is a part of my problem. I have a 3.56 GPA and will graduate with Honors in Basic Studies, but I am one semester short of graduation and can't afford to continue. Unfortunately, a lot of the jobs worth having where I live in Michigan require a college degree. Finishing college will help you find a better job, I almost guarantee it.
It sounds like you are looking for work now. Keep it up, perhaps you will find something that you like better with better coworkers. The sad part of the matter is that, the more you hang around bad people, the more likely you are going to become one of them.
In closing, you might want to consider posting your journal in that group that you visited. You might get some better feedback.
Good luck.
the idea that anyone is superior than anyone else is a waste of time. either the idea that someone is better for having a college degree, or for not having one are both silly.
people take different paths. if getting a degree was the way that you arrived at this moment, cool. it may have not advanced your career but at least it was a learning experince, and hell, thats the whole point of college anyway, ya know?
also, he sounds like the kind of petty asshole who justifies his crappy life with the kind of crap you posted above