Caught between the hammer and the anvil, I need time to think but have none. I need to escape but have no where to go, I need good advice and do not know who to ask. It was easier when I was young and I could believe that other people knew what they were talking about. I could look up at them and believe what they told me, know that their advice was sound, their guidance true, their intentions pure. Not so now. I look closer than I used to, I see the motivation behind their actions and I wonder... after two decades of this love-hate guilt-ridden relationship, do I know how I feel about them at all? Do I know what I want to do?
This is my problem, I don't know. I don't know if I want a big wedding or if I simply feel like I should have one. The difference between what I want and what I will do to avoid confrontation is huge but shrinking each day. I cannot avoid confrontation now; I must choose. No one can make this decision for me and so I wait; as if something will change on its own somehow, as if by delaying I can avoid the inevitable choice between my family and my fiance. If I choose to give them another chance, how many chances will they take me for? How miserable will they make us and how long will he stand it for? If I choose to give up now and do things our way, how will they react? What will their "punishment" be?
Y'know how on old maps they used to mark unexplored ares with "Here There Be Dragons"? That's how I feel right now. I was sitting on a nice quiet beach island when suddenly I realized it was no island but the head of a dragon with glistening teeth and a mouth stretched wide open to swallow me. I look around for a helping hand and find I can either be consumed or destroy the beast that was once my refuge.
But I am determined not to let depression beat me down this time around, I have a fire burning inside that has been waiting for such gasoline. They will only fuel my fury. They will only incite my wrath. They will only bring upon themselves the retribution I have been holding back from them for years.
Someday they will see I am more than just the sum of their genes.
This is my problem, I don't know. I don't know if I want a big wedding or if I simply feel like I should have one. The difference between what I want and what I will do to avoid confrontation is huge but shrinking each day. I cannot avoid confrontation now; I must choose. No one can make this decision for me and so I wait; as if something will change on its own somehow, as if by delaying I can avoid the inevitable choice between my family and my fiance. If I choose to give them another chance, how many chances will they take me for? How miserable will they make us and how long will he stand it for? If I choose to give up now and do things our way, how will they react? What will their "punishment" be?
Y'know how on old maps they used to mark unexplored ares with "Here There Be Dragons"? That's how I feel right now. I was sitting on a nice quiet beach island when suddenly I realized it was no island but the head of a dragon with glistening teeth and a mouth stretched wide open to swallow me. I look around for a helping hand and find I can either be consumed or destroy the beast that was once my refuge.
But I am determined not to let depression beat me down this time around, I have a fire burning inside that has been waiting for such gasoline. They will only fuel my fury. They will only incite my wrath. They will only bring upon themselves the retribution I have been holding back from them for years.
Someday they will see I am more than just the sum of their genes.
Some trite advice from someone you don't even know.
According to Plato, the first step is to know thyself. I think if you look at yourself and your life honestly, you will see your path. If it is your true path and you follow it, then you have done the right thing. I have faith that deep down we all know our path when we see it.
As for retribution, there are those that are not worth the time and effort. They live in typical, mediocre misery and life extracts a payment beyond my dreams of cruelty in each day, each week, each year, each decade of loss and forgetting. I try to remain passive and not allow their weaknesses to impact me. My time, effort and attention are too valuable.
Anyway, I don't know your situation but that is what popped into my head as your purple haze set scrolled by on my second monitor.