Nothing deep. Just my day....
Things were interesting today. It was sprinkled with events good and bad alike, but all were linked by a common theme: manifestation. i helped conjure these things.
It has been 8 months exactly since my most powerful romantic relationship shifted into a great limbo that I don't know if it will ever emerge from. It is also the anniversary of the last time i had sex. Opportunities arose while i was not yet ready to go there with someone again and i turned them away. Although i think i was right to do so, i watched those chances ironically vanish as i became more emotionally available. Posting a photoset on Suicide Boys was a major step forward to reclaiming my sensuality. As Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about, is NOT being talked about." My happiness with the design of the pieces and the fragile, fledgling pride i have in my body (always a quick victim after a 'break-up', whatever the reason!) crumbled as the few but lovely responses i got to the set... remained just that: few.Last nite, i went to bed saying out loud, "i want noticed. i want to feel that others appreciate me, respect me and think i'm sexy." I thought for a moment, and then added, " Yeah, dammit!" At the end of the day today, i can say i got that. i am also torn about the results...
i am a comedian. i do stand-up and monologues when i can, but it is ensemble work at Renaissance Faires that often pays the bills. So, i worked today. Four shows, two each of abridged, slapstick Hamlet's and Macbeth's. The shows were good. Very strong. The trio i am in is a dream team and our chemistry is the star of the show. As a group, we got some wonderful response. For some reason today, however, i was singled out no less than three times within earshot of my partners and told that i was the best. This isn't true. But it was said, and feelings were hurt. in one case, i was offered additional gigs that my co-actors were not. the attention to my ego was not worth the price that these other two brilliant comedians paid.
on the upside is this sweet moment:
i don't SERIOUSLY flirt much. As an androgynous 'nice guy', it doesn't often end well. today, it did. Renn Faires often attract a crowd that comes year after year, sometimes every day of a 6-weekend run. A performer will get to know some of these folks, some we'll at least recognise enough to say 'hi' to. It is the 3rd day of the Faire and today was the first day She came back this year. She is in a wheelchair. her small body has been twisted by some childhood condition. she drinks like a fish, swears like a sailor, is brilliantly funny and astoundingly beautiful. Three perfect lip piercings, wicked eyes and hair just to the base of her neck. i've had a crush on her for 3 years (i'm only in this area of the country for a couple of months a year), since the first time i saw and spoke to her, but i've seen the cruelty she can summon if need be. i use sarcasm as a weapon, i know what it can render a person to. i don't want to be shredded by her... But today, i screwed up my courage. i took it slow, but at least i took it.
i walked up to her and after a moment of idle chit-chat i said,"i remember you very well. you're gorgeous and i just... i'd just like... may i have your name?" i bounced a little.
She looked at me for a second or two, then turned her head a little to her friends. her eyes narrowed, her smile got very VERY sly and she asked them,"What do you think? Should i?" Whether or not they knew the question was rhetorical they didn't answer. She looked back at me, blinked in slow motion and smiled the smile. THAT smile. The smile that says,"I've got you. I've SO got you. You'd beg for it right now if i made you." i would have. Truth be told, were i not a hideous mess from the show, or the fact that it might have been unsafe for her, or the possibility of being slapped with a restraining order... i would have thrown my leg over that chair, straddled her, taken her face in my hands and done anything at all she wished, hundreds of spectators be damned!...
As it was, i didn't have to beg... she told me her name.
There is no stud ending to this story... but the sweet, old-fashioned romance of it is something that has both sated and sparked a great hunger in me. Hopefully, two cravings: Not just in me for her kiss but also in her for mine. We'll see.
Vive le Crush!
Things were interesting today. It was sprinkled with events good and bad alike, but all were linked by a common theme: manifestation. i helped conjure these things.
It has been 8 months exactly since my most powerful romantic relationship shifted into a great limbo that I don't know if it will ever emerge from. It is also the anniversary of the last time i had sex. Opportunities arose while i was not yet ready to go there with someone again and i turned them away. Although i think i was right to do so, i watched those chances ironically vanish as i became more emotionally available. Posting a photoset on Suicide Boys was a major step forward to reclaiming my sensuality. As Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about, is NOT being talked about." My happiness with the design of the pieces and the fragile, fledgling pride i have in my body (always a quick victim after a 'break-up', whatever the reason!) crumbled as the few but lovely responses i got to the set... remained just that: few.Last nite, i went to bed saying out loud, "i want noticed. i want to feel that others appreciate me, respect me and think i'm sexy." I thought for a moment, and then added, " Yeah, dammit!" At the end of the day today, i can say i got that. i am also torn about the results...
i am a comedian. i do stand-up and monologues when i can, but it is ensemble work at Renaissance Faires that often pays the bills. So, i worked today. Four shows, two each of abridged, slapstick Hamlet's and Macbeth's. The shows were good. Very strong. The trio i am in is a dream team and our chemistry is the star of the show. As a group, we got some wonderful response. For some reason today, however, i was singled out no less than three times within earshot of my partners and told that i was the best. This isn't true. But it was said, and feelings were hurt. in one case, i was offered additional gigs that my co-actors were not. the attention to my ego was not worth the price that these other two brilliant comedians paid.
on the upside is this sweet moment:
i don't SERIOUSLY flirt much. As an androgynous 'nice guy', it doesn't often end well. today, it did. Renn Faires often attract a crowd that comes year after year, sometimes every day of a 6-weekend run. A performer will get to know some of these folks, some we'll at least recognise enough to say 'hi' to. It is the 3rd day of the Faire and today was the first day She came back this year. She is in a wheelchair. her small body has been twisted by some childhood condition. she drinks like a fish, swears like a sailor, is brilliantly funny and astoundingly beautiful. Three perfect lip piercings, wicked eyes and hair just to the base of her neck. i've had a crush on her for 3 years (i'm only in this area of the country for a couple of months a year), since the first time i saw and spoke to her, but i've seen the cruelty she can summon if need be. i use sarcasm as a weapon, i know what it can render a person to. i don't want to be shredded by her... But today, i screwed up my courage. i took it slow, but at least i took it.
i walked up to her and after a moment of idle chit-chat i said,"i remember you very well. you're gorgeous and i just... i'd just like... may i have your name?" i bounced a little.
She looked at me for a second or two, then turned her head a little to her friends. her eyes narrowed, her smile got very VERY sly and she asked them,"What do you think? Should i?" Whether or not they knew the question was rhetorical they didn't answer. She looked back at me, blinked in slow motion and smiled the smile. THAT smile. The smile that says,"I've got you. I've SO got you. You'd beg for it right now if i made you." i would have. Truth be told, were i not a hideous mess from the show, or the fact that it might have been unsafe for her, or the possibility of being slapped with a restraining order... i would have thrown my leg over that chair, straddled her, taken her face in my hands and done anything at all she wished, hundreds of spectators be damned!...
As it was, i didn't have to beg... she told me her name.
There is no stud ending to this story... but the sweet, old-fashioned romance of it is something that has both sated and sparked a great hunger in me. Hopefully, two cravings: Not just in me for her kiss but also in her for mine. We'll see.
Vive le Crush!
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Happy Crush!!
thanks for the advice...i agree...i think its the former case unfortunately but i cant sort anything if he avoids me so...well...i guess its a case of leave and let lie =)
so....how are you today?