Well, today sucks .... almost as bad as yesterday. My wife and I have some MAJOR shit we need to figure out. We've been married for 2 years and it hasen't been the best of times. Our child Jasmine is 2 years old and is not affected by this yet. My wife and I make it a huge deal to be happy around her.
I think overall, I am the one to blame for all of our problems (most of our problems anyways). I blame it for being young and sheltered. I hooked up with my wife shortly after I broke up with my first girlfriend (when I was 15). Because of this, I missed out on alot of things. Things like, going to parties and meeting new people, meeting new girls, and basiclly enjoying bachelor life and freedom to be myself. Now at the age of 23, I feel the need to go out and be adventurous and "be myself". I feel I've missed out on so much of my youth. Don't take this the wrong way either. I'm a real good dad. I do all of the things my wife does. I change diapers, take our daughter out to the park and for walks. I give her baths and read her bed time stories every night. It's the husband part I suck at. Back in high scool, my wife and I were very happy. We hung out, drank, had crazy sex, and did all of the things together that made us really happy. Now, she's calmed down quite a bit, and she's not the person she used to be. Well, she is but she isn't. I could say the same for myself. No longer is she outgoing and on the wild side. I understand having a baby will change a person though.
I guess this whole thing is about be not treating her the same as I did "back in the day". It's hard though, when you spend every waking hour with someone, and they are a totally different person than they once were. I assume she feels the same about me. I used to be very sensitive and would drop anything on a dime just to be with her. Now, when I find some free time, I go fishing or hang out with my good friend Byron. I almost feel a need to escape my life for a few hours every couple days. I feel like it's a bad thing but it's something I have to do.
I love my wife dearly but I don't think I can change into the person she wants me to be. I can't just hit a switch and say, "from this point onward, I will be sensitive and devote everything to my family". I guess I'm a bit too selfish. i think about myself quite a bit and what would make ME happy. I do think about my families needs, and they are always taken care of, but I don't give my wife the love and affection she wants. I can't really blame her for not being happy ... I'm not either and as a result, we are in this situation.
Just yesterday she mentioned seperating. At first, my heart skipped a beat ... but now that I think about it, it might be a good thing. Maybe it'll give us time to think. And maybe we'll miss each other so much, that we'll be willing to change ourselves a bit just to make things work. Or it could be the complete opposite, where we figure being together will only make our lives worse. I really don't know. If we do seperate, then what happens ? Do we live together, but not sleep in the same bed ? Or do I move away somewhere ? I couldn't be away from my daughter, it would be impossible. I love Jasmine more than anything.
This sucks the big one. I love Amy ... and to see her cry has to be the worst I've felt in years .... I don't want to pretend things will change just to make her happy. This is what we've done in the past, pretend things were good just to make life seem normal and fine. I'm sure we have more heartache ahead, and I'm not looking forward to it.
I am such a kid. I wish I could just grow up and give up everything for my family, but I can't. I've already given up alot of things. I've gotten rid of alot of friends and other things in my life, just to make my family work. I can't get rid of everything though. I NEED to have friends, I need to have my hobbies, and I need to be myself. If I don't have any of the above, then I may as well be a zombie.
Another problem is my parents. This is what sparked our problem yesterday. My mother basically babysits our daughter in the morning while we are working. My mother is very kind and caring, but she's a little stubborn. For instance, we tell her not to give Jasmine a bath because she has a skin condition (it's a mild one but still a problem). But sometimes, she gives her a bath anyways and fails to tell us. Then when we go to give her a bath, her skin dries out, and we have to rub medicated lotion on her. It's a problem yes, and we've talked to my mom about this, but she keeps doing things like this (because she is hard headed)). My wife wants my mom to stop watching Jasmine in the mornings, but I want her to stay (or put her in a day home instead, but I have a hard time trusting people)). My mom is great with Jasmine (besides her not listening to us sometimes). She cares for our daughter and Jasmine really loves her too. Instead my wife wants her best friend Geoff to watch our daughter all day. And Geoff is a bachelor with a very unsanitary house. He has 5 cats and cleans maybe once a week, and after a week, you can't sit down because you'll be covered with cat hair. Amy justifies this with the fact that we'll be cleaning his house all of the time. Well, I personally don't want to take care of another house. this guy Geoff is almost 50 years old and I can't stand the fact we have to clean his house just to make it livable. Having one household is hard enough to maintain. Don't get me wrong either, Geoff is very good with Jasmine, and I trust him to do a great job watching her all day, but his environment is not baby friendly and I don't want another child to take care of.
Oh well, I've talked enough. I don't know what my future is .... with my wife ... or without. If we have problems we can't fix, do I stay for Jasmines sake ? I love her so dearly and want her to grow up with parents ..... If amy and I split up, What would happen with Jasminee ? It would break my heart for her to have no dad living with her ... I hope it won't go to that. I'm willing to give up everything so she has a normal chldhood (it's gonna be really fucing hard tho), but at the same time, do Amy and I live unhappy unltil she's older (no way)) ? Life blows. There's a ton of stuff I gotta figure out.
Fuck today sucks ... frown
I think overall, I am the one to blame for all of our problems (most of our problems anyways). I blame it for being young and sheltered. I hooked up with my wife shortly after I broke up with my first girlfriend (when I was 15). Because of this, I missed out on alot of things. Things like, going to parties and meeting new people, meeting new girls, and basiclly enjoying bachelor life and freedom to be myself. Now at the age of 23, I feel the need to go out and be adventurous and "be myself". I feel I've missed out on so much of my youth. Don't take this the wrong way either. I'm a real good dad. I do all of the things my wife does. I change diapers, take our daughter out to the park and for walks. I give her baths and read her bed time stories every night. It's the husband part I suck at. Back in high scool, my wife and I were very happy. We hung out, drank, had crazy sex, and did all of the things together that made us really happy. Now, she's calmed down quite a bit, and she's not the person she used to be. Well, she is but she isn't. I could say the same for myself. No longer is she outgoing and on the wild side. I understand having a baby will change a person though.
I guess this whole thing is about be not treating her the same as I did "back in the day". It's hard though, when you spend every waking hour with someone, and they are a totally different person than they once were. I assume she feels the same about me. I used to be very sensitive and would drop anything on a dime just to be with her. Now, when I find some free time, I go fishing or hang out with my good friend Byron. I almost feel a need to escape my life for a few hours every couple days. I feel like it's a bad thing but it's something I have to do.
I love my wife dearly but I don't think I can change into the person she wants me to be. I can't just hit a switch and say, "from this point onward, I will be sensitive and devote everything to my family". I guess I'm a bit too selfish. i think about myself quite a bit and what would make ME happy. I do think about my families needs, and they are always taken care of, but I don't give my wife the love and affection she wants. I can't really blame her for not being happy ... I'm not either and as a result, we are in this situation.
Just yesterday she mentioned seperating. At first, my heart skipped a beat ... but now that I think about it, it might be a good thing. Maybe it'll give us time to think. And maybe we'll miss each other so much, that we'll be willing to change ourselves a bit just to make things work. Or it could be the complete opposite, where we figure being together will only make our lives worse. I really don't know. If we do seperate, then what happens ? Do we live together, but not sleep in the same bed ? Or do I move away somewhere ? I couldn't be away from my daughter, it would be impossible. I love Jasmine more than anything.
This sucks the big one. I love Amy ... and to see her cry has to be the worst I've felt in years .... I don't want to pretend things will change just to make her happy. This is what we've done in the past, pretend things were good just to make life seem normal and fine. I'm sure we have more heartache ahead, and I'm not looking forward to it.
I am such a kid. I wish I could just grow up and give up everything for my family, but I can't. I've already given up alot of things. I've gotten rid of alot of friends and other things in my life, just to make my family work. I can't get rid of everything though. I NEED to have friends, I need to have my hobbies, and I need to be myself. If I don't have any of the above, then I may as well be a zombie.
Another problem is my parents. This is what sparked our problem yesterday. My mother basically babysits our daughter in the morning while we are working. My mother is very kind and caring, but she's a little stubborn. For instance, we tell her not to give Jasmine a bath because she has a skin condition (it's a mild one but still a problem). But sometimes, she gives her a bath anyways and fails to tell us. Then when we go to give her a bath, her skin dries out, and we have to rub medicated lotion on her. It's a problem yes, and we've talked to my mom about this, but she keeps doing things like this (because she is hard headed)). My wife wants my mom to stop watching Jasmine in the mornings, but I want her to stay (or put her in a day home instead, but I have a hard time trusting people)). My mom is great with Jasmine (besides her not listening to us sometimes). She cares for our daughter and Jasmine really loves her too. Instead my wife wants her best friend Geoff to watch our daughter all day. And Geoff is a bachelor with a very unsanitary house. He has 5 cats and cleans maybe once a week, and after a week, you can't sit down because you'll be covered with cat hair. Amy justifies this with the fact that we'll be cleaning his house all of the time. Well, I personally don't want to take care of another house. this guy Geoff is almost 50 years old and I can't stand the fact we have to clean his house just to make it livable. Having one household is hard enough to maintain. Don't get me wrong either, Geoff is very good with Jasmine, and I trust him to do a great job watching her all day, but his environment is not baby friendly and I don't want another child to take care of.
Oh well, I've talked enough. I don't know what my future is .... with my wife ... or without. If we have problems we can't fix, do I stay for Jasmines sake ? I love her so dearly and want her to grow up with parents ..... If amy and I split up, What would happen with Jasminee ? It would break my heart for her to have no dad living with her ... I hope it won't go to that. I'm willing to give up everything so she has a normal chldhood (it's gonna be really fucing hard tho), but at the same time, do Amy and I live unhappy unltil she's older (no way)) ? Life blows. There's a ton of stuff I gotta figure out.
Fuck today sucks ... frown
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One word, "communication". Ain't it grand ?
i mean , im getting better at it as we speak