I feel like I have so much I would like to express through the English language but my thought process has gone wonky and I can never find the right words to even come close to expressing how I'm feeling. It's extremely frustrating and I really admire individuals who have mastered the art of language as a means of expressing themselves. It's really thrilling though just how many different ways one can express themselves in these flesh suits.There are so many different art forms and I adore all of them. Music probably being at the top of the list, but I've always been most interested in the performance arts, where the human body is the actual canvas or instrument that the artists uses to express themselves, like acting for instance. Maybe that's just because I suck at drawing, can't paint, can't play any instruments, can't sculp for a damn. I really love working with food as a medium but that doesn't mean I have any desire to be a chef.
I'm especially interested in things like the old time strongman arts, handbalancing, sword swallowing, juggling, escapeology and a whole plethora of other acts most commonly seen in the circus/sideshow. In time i think i will truly master my own will, and in doing so accomplish many from my long list of different feats, but in the meantime it's a daily struggle battling my demons and dealing with things like clinical depression, depersonalization and perpetual emptiness.
It would be easier if I had more good people in my life I could really connect and share my true self with, but i have such a difficult time establishing connections with people its as if I'm broken, or perhaps just on a completely different frequency from most. i can definitely be socially awkward but most people seem to enjoy my company, though its true i frequently feel the need to dumb myself down so people don't think I'm crazy. its not that i give a fuck what people think, but I guess I'm just lonely, trying to connect with people that couldn't possibly understand me.. I feel more like an entity than a man. My antennae reach too far into outer space and this whole human experience really is something of a mystery me. I look forward to returning to my natural state in spirit form outside this body but for now in this body I shall remain, feeling both privileged for the opportunity, and imprisoned. .
No matter what though, at the end of the day, life really is one of the most beautiful, grandest and precious things there are. This planet, this universe, the sheer indescribable beauty of it makes me giddy, and sometimes, on days when I can actually feel, brings tears to my eyes. Last night as I stood outside showering in the light of the full moon, gazing up into that glorious pearly splendor, I was so moved by her beauty that I actually cried. And as I felt the hot salty tears trickling down my face ( a very rare occurrence), I thought to myself god damn, I might just be human after all. Well if any one is actually reading this, I appreciate you taking the time to hear this fellow travelers thoughts. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go practice some basic hand balancing skills beneath the stars.
I'm especially interested in things like the old time strongman arts, handbalancing, sword swallowing, juggling, escapeology and a whole plethora of other acts most commonly seen in the circus/sideshow. In time i think i will truly master my own will, and in doing so accomplish many from my long list of different feats, but in the meantime it's a daily struggle battling my demons and dealing with things like clinical depression, depersonalization and perpetual emptiness.
It would be easier if I had more good people in my life I could really connect and share my true self with, but i have such a difficult time establishing connections with people its as if I'm broken, or perhaps just on a completely different frequency from most. i can definitely be socially awkward but most people seem to enjoy my company, though its true i frequently feel the need to dumb myself down so people don't think I'm crazy. its not that i give a fuck what people think, but I guess I'm just lonely, trying to connect with people that couldn't possibly understand me.. I feel more like an entity than a man. My antennae reach too far into outer space and this whole human experience really is something of a mystery me. I look forward to returning to my natural state in spirit form outside this body but for now in this body I shall remain, feeling both privileged for the opportunity, and imprisoned. .
No matter what though, at the end of the day, life really is one of the most beautiful, grandest and precious things there are. This planet, this universe, the sheer indescribable beauty of it makes me giddy, and sometimes, on days when I can actually feel, brings tears to my eyes. Last night as I stood outside showering in the light of the full moon, gazing up into that glorious pearly splendor, I was so moved by her beauty that I actually cried. And as I felt the hot salty tears trickling down my face ( a very rare occurrence), I thought to myself god damn, I might just be human after all. Well if any one is actually reading this, I appreciate you taking the time to hear this fellow travelers thoughts. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go practice some basic hand balancing skills beneath the stars.
It's funny, actually. While I am in a bit of a rut right now, your blog reminds me a lot of how I'm feeling right now. Like, A LOT.