i'm trying my best to succeed. i know the majority of the pressure i feel comes from myself, but i need to accomplish something great after so many wasted opportunities. i know i'm not a bad person, but i carry around such a tremendous amount of guilt. i really do feel alone and it's so hard to feel attached to anyone. i don't trust people at all. i feel so trapped where i live, but i know that if i can not make it here i won't anywhere else.
the only time i really get attached to or ''fall'' for people is in friendships. i feel closer to people i don't know. i guess it's the closest i can really get to someone, because i don't feel so emotionally responsible for them. i've carried a lot of others burdens, because i'm used to picking up the slack. in a relationship i start to feel tied down and overwhelmed. over time i grow apart from whoever i'm with and crave solitude. the best i ever feel is when i'm alone and single. i don't even go out and try to find someone to sate the lonliness. i just use it as fuel to push forward. i hate so many people. most of my family make me sick and embarassed. i still hurt over the shit with w. i really want to hurt her...just to make her feel like i do. i don't think she has any real feelings. she's the ugliest and saddest person i have ever met, but for some reason i still fucking loved her. i know that's just sick. it's not normal. i have to fucking get over her...especially when i have so much animosity towards her. i'm fine if i don't see or hear about her, but the moment i do i start to slowly go crazy. i hate that i can't get over what people have done to me. i think it's pathetic. now i don't even want to have friends. i just want to be alone.
i need to have something real and i can't go back to who i used to be, but sometimes i think i'd be better off with no one in my life. everyone i've tried to love, trust, or lean on has let me down. not in small ways like every person does, but in ways like they wanted to truly make me suffer or just feel insignificant. i know i'm not perfect, but i try to give as much as i can or do everything for the people i care about. i don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to do this. i'm strong in a lot of ways, but not emotionally. sometimes i think it would be so easy to just stop. just fucking end my life because i have such a huge mountain to climb before i can feel complete. my biggest fear isn't being successful. it's accomplishing all of my goals and then realizing i'm still not happy.
lately i feel so down, because i'm so fucking angry. i'm angry about my childhood, my shitty parents, my selfish asshole siblings, my dick head ex-friends, my husband for letting me down and just being so slow to fucking get it together, and myself for letting bullshit with all of them hold me back because i was so much more invested in them than myself.
i haven't even really wanted to try except for the hope that by continuing to it will get better. my heart isn't even into it. i just think about all of it as another job, but none of it really makes me feel anything good. just another load to carry.
the only reason i try with friendship is so i won't be completely alone because it's not normal to be that way. also, it doesn't take me very long to become totally shut off and isolated. i only try at my actual job because i need the money and it's honestly the best i can do for myself because of being a jackass when i was younger. i know i'm lucky to have it, but it's a lot of responsibility. i refuse to just give up because it's not who i am.
i only try in my marriage for the sake of his feelings, because i know i would feel worse than i already do if i hurt him. i believe he truly loves me, but i don't honestly believe he will ever live up to my expectations. i spend a lot of time fearing how it will end, because i just don't see how it would work with him being so stuck in his ways. it's not bad...he just doesn't want the same things as me. i also wish his fucking mother and sister would disappear. i resent them, because i think he uses his mom as an excuse to not leave. when in reality he's too scared to jump into anything unfamiliar. but what can we do? we can't really leave and there's so much to take care of. also, she's always pressuring me to have grand kids. i'm not a god damned baby maker. i don't even want children and have been extremely upfront about that from the beginning. i hate his asshole sister, because i can't have any family close to me at all. she fucked me over, his best friend, and tried to break us up because she wanted him for herself. even though she's a complete bitch towards him. even before i came along.
everyone tries to read into what i do like i can't be serious. i just don't believe in bullshit. i don't believe in pretending to be someone i'm not. i believe the only way to have anything real is to be completely honest. everyone only feels good about themselves when they are pretending to be someone they are not. i can't fake it, so i'm sorry if everyone thinks i'm full of shit. i'm not changing to satisfy a bunch of children anyways because they are intimidated by me. everyone really can fuck off, because there isn't anyone i respect or care enough about their opinion to live any differently. i'm not a selfish prick because finally at 25 i don't want to be responsible for anyone else, but myself. i raised my fucking siblings, tried to help and do everything for my parents because i them being a shitty mess, tried to help my exes by supporting them and being ''everything'' they needed or wanted, and i've taken care of almost all of my ex-friends...even as far as living with them, paying bills, and buying them medicine and groceries. free hook-ups all the fucking time and dropping everything to jump in and save the fucking day at all hours of the day because i belive in being selfless. all i ask for is respect and maybe a little bit of fucking gratitude every once in awhile. but i'm a prick or a crazy bitch.
i feel isolated and i think it has a lot to do with my bpd, but i don't realize it. i think it controls a lot more of my life than i'm aware of. it scares the fuck out of me. that i may be making it impossible for anyone to actually know me, but i don't see the point. all relationships i think are temporary. i don't think anything is really meant to last. not in a pessimistic way, but because people don't really know how to work with each other. it's just easier to disagree and give up. i think you can make the most of it when you're in it, but once it's over it really is just better to let it go and move on. i feel like i need help, but i don't know where to go, what to do, or who to talk to. i'm just fed up. all i can do is keep working and try not to fall a part in the process. i just can't give up.
sorry for being such a pessimistic person, but it's just so hard to not be even when i'm trying.
the only time i really get attached to or ''fall'' for people is in friendships. i feel closer to people i don't know. i guess it's the closest i can really get to someone, because i don't feel so emotionally responsible for them. i've carried a lot of others burdens, because i'm used to picking up the slack. in a relationship i start to feel tied down and overwhelmed. over time i grow apart from whoever i'm with and crave solitude. the best i ever feel is when i'm alone and single. i don't even go out and try to find someone to sate the lonliness. i just use it as fuel to push forward. i hate so many people. most of my family make me sick and embarassed. i still hurt over the shit with w. i really want to hurt her...just to make her feel like i do. i don't think she has any real feelings. she's the ugliest and saddest person i have ever met, but for some reason i still fucking loved her. i know that's just sick. it's not normal. i have to fucking get over her...especially when i have so much animosity towards her. i'm fine if i don't see or hear about her, but the moment i do i start to slowly go crazy. i hate that i can't get over what people have done to me. i think it's pathetic. now i don't even want to have friends. i just want to be alone.
i need to have something real and i can't go back to who i used to be, but sometimes i think i'd be better off with no one in my life. everyone i've tried to love, trust, or lean on has let me down. not in small ways like every person does, but in ways like they wanted to truly make me suffer or just feel insignificant. i know i'm not perfect, but i try to give as much as i can or do everything for the people i care about. i don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to do this. i'm strong in a lot of ways, but not emotionally. sometimes i think it would be so easy to just stop. just fucking end my life because i have such a huge mountain to climb before i can feel complete. my biggest fear isn't being successful. it's accomplishing all of my goals and then realizing i'm still not happy.
lately i feel so down, because i'm so fucking angry. i'm angry about my childhood, my shitty parents, my selfish asshole siblings, my dick head ex-friends, my husband for letting me down and just being so slow to fucking get it together, and myself for letting bullshit with all of them hold me back because i was so much more invested in them than myself.
i haven't even really wanted to try except for the hope that by continuing to it will get better. my heart isn't even into it. i just think about all of it as another job, but none of it really makes me feel anything good. just another load to carry.
the only reason i try with friendship is so i won't be completely alone because it's not normal to be that way. also, it doesn't take me very long to become totally shut off and isolated. i only try at my actual job because i need the money and it's honestly the best i can do for myself because of being a jackass when i was younger. i know i'm lucky to have it, but it's a lot of responsibility. i refuse to just give up because it's not who i am.
i only try in my marriage for the sake of his feelings, because i know i would feel worse than i already do if i hurt him. i believe he truly loves me, but i don't honestly believe he will ever live up to my expectations. i spend a lot of time fearing how it will end, because i just don't see how it would work with him being so stuck in his ways. it's not bad...he just doesn't want the same things as me. i also wish his fucking mother and sister would disappear. i resent them, because i think he uses his mom as an excuse to not leave. when in reality he's too scared to jump into anything unfamiliar. but what can we do? we can't really leave and there's so much to take care of. also, she's always pressuring me to have grand kids. i'm not a god damned baby maker. i don't even want children and have been extremely upfront about that from the beginning. i hate his asshole sister, because i can't have any family close to me at all. she fucked me over, his best friend, and tried to break us up because she wanted him for herself. even though she's a complete bitch towards him. even before i came along.
everyone tries to read into what i do like i can't be serious. i just don't believe in bullshit. i don't believe in pretending to be someone i'm not. i believe the only way to have anything real is to be completely honest. everyone only feels good about themselves when they are pretending to be someone they are not. i can't fake it, so i'm sorry if everyone thinks i'm full of shit. i'm not changing to satisfy a bunch of children anyways because they are intimidated by me. everyone really can fuck off, because there isn't anyone i respect or care enough about their opinion to live any differently. i'm not a selfish prick because finally at 25 i don't want to be responsible for anyone else, but myself. i raised my fucking siblings, tried to help and do everything for my parents because i them being a shitty mess, tried to help my exes by supporting them and being ''everything'' they needed or wanted, and i've taken care of almost all of my ex-friends...even as far as living with them, paying bills, and buying them medicine and groceries. free hook-ups all the fucking time and dropping everything to jump in and save the fucking day at all hours of the day because i belive in being selfless. all i ask for is respect and maybe a little bit of fucking gratitude every once in awhile. but i'm a prick or a crazy bitch.
i feel isolated and i think it has a lot to do with my bpd, but i don't realize it. i think it controls a lot more of my life than i'm aware of. it scares the fuck out of me. that i may be making it impossible for anyone to actually know me, but i don't see the point. all relationships i think are temporary. i don't think anything is really meant to last. not in a pessimistic way, but because people don't really know how to work with each other. it's just easier to disagree and give up. i think you can make the most of it when you're in it, but once it's over it really is just better to let it go and move on. i feel like i need help, but i don't know where to go, what to do, or who to talk to. i'm just fed up. all i can do is keep working and try not to fall a part in the process. i just can't give up.
sorry for being such a pessimistic person, but it's just so hard to not be even when i'm trying.
I can completely relate, I seriously feel like I'm going fucking insane sometimes. I've been thinking a lot about going back to therapy. Have you tried going?
Anyways. I sincerely hope you feel better <333