journal

I honestly feel different, I'm not sure how to describe this feeling but I feel changed. I remember buying well no, I was a rotten dick, I stole the first tour and I exploited it as well as myself for a long time with Playboy and artistic nudes. I would rationalize it as I'm an artist and a fashion designer. I'm drawing them naked, and then I'm drawing the clothes back on them. It helped me cope with what was done to me and snowballed from 5 on up. I still feel dirty, I don't feel right looking at Suicidegirls. I don't feel worthy. I didn't earn it, I didn't earn the right. I want to date them, I want to draw them with their clothes on. I want to talk to them, hear their voices, hear them laugh, maybe even sing or play an instrument, I would like to know which are rival artists. Women who inspire me to get the lead out and step up my game. Fun, friendly competition that tricks me into getting better and silently, getting well but not being a  selfish and deceitful bastard. I want to talk to Yuno, Bae, Skella, Yunni, and my other crushes with respect. I don't want to look at the naked pictures. Not even Jelly Suicide. No, I didn't earn it, and if they don't find me attractive, then I don't want to bother them. They have husbands, finances, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, casual lovers, and whatever the hell they want. Because who am I to demand and take or trick what is not mine to have at all without consent. I didn't like it when it was done to me. I still feel sick and don't really want anybody getting close to me. Or touching me. I don't know how to trust or be vulnerable, so I sacrifice intimacy so I can live and get through another day. I didn't kill, I didn't maim, but I hurt a lot of people Because I was a cowardly good man, who did nothing, looked away, walked away, and ran away. No, I'm sick with entitlement, I used my traumas as a sick excuse, I don't care if it might be plausible I feel like shit, and I want to stop feeling shit. So that maybe, maybe if I work real hard on myself. I might get another chance, but don't count on it. It rarely happens, suck it up, and keep going child soldier. The world owes me nothing, I need to work hahahaha You betta work! hehehe duh duh duh, duh, duh, duh, I love you Rupaul. I feel a little better, yeah, I should keep doing this, no nudity. I've taken enough, I need to trust, have faith, and give. To trust people to trust me to always tell the truth, even if I sound like a fucking bastard. I will tell you the truth, even if it hurts me. I will. I will never hurt women and children, but if I see a man beating a woman again. I will go to jail with a smile on my face this time and not as an innocent man.