(this is a copy paste from another blog of mine, a little late, but written on new years day)
tradition
I dont think it would be a new year if I didnt follow my normal tradition of writing some normally long intrsopective and mostly jaded type of blog entry about life as I see it. And of course.. I have to quote a little bit of minor threat before it ends.
The odd thing is, I have plenty of thoughts in my head, plenty of writing inspiration.. my bogus opinions on our culture and relationships and politics and religion and all the type of shit. The type of shit that will offend more than half of you and spark some sort of stunning agreement in others. BUT. I have had such a hard time actually writing, because I just dont know where to start. What topic comes first? Well I think I will skip most of the important global opinions and just kinda update the world on my shit.
I have yet to buy my ticket, mostly due to having difficulty figuring out exactly where im starting. But for those of you who dont know, at the end of February I will be getting on an airplane and flying me and my messed up little brain over to Europe. And okay, in response to the first question I normally get.. I dont know how long im gonna be gone. In fact I do not intend to come back, but to be clear, I do not intend to stay there either.
Essentially, I found myself reflecting on my choices over the last several years..|
The end conclusion of this was realizing that I rarely did the things I actually wanted to do. I missed great opportunities in fear of the consequences. Especially when in situations where it might cause a negative public opinion of me. No, no. I can't look bad.. In fact, one opportunity in particular comes to mind.
But also. I did many other things out of this subconscious cultural pressure that I didn't really have the observation skills to notice or the balls to stand up against.
When I was younger I dropped out of highschool. This was a good decision. I immediately got a GED and a job and went to college. And I now have two college degrees. The problem is, I didn't go to college for pyschology, writing, philosophy, music, or any of the things I actually had interest in. Instead I chose to follow the practical advice of my peers and got a business degree... Which I did use for a short period of time as a manager within my current company. I HATED just about every moment of it.
I remained in jobs I disliked. I stayed with girls that I was unhappy with and girls that were generally unhappy with me. Or, I imagine they were unhappy, as they would all eventually lie and cheat on me. For all of my pride in my independence, the moment i got into a situation that seemed normal-ish or like the happy expected cliche I would become this psuedo co-dependent monster. Not that I was needy really, but rather somethign worse. Content. Content in my dull and uninteresting nonprogressive situations. Content to a point of stagnant unchanging boredom. Well. I mean we all have to get jobs, get married, have kids... etc... Atleast I had that girl thing down, I was set. I relied on it. This is a really bogus way to think.
Our country is dying. And dont take that wrong.. I don't think Europe is any better. It's not. But our entire society FUCKIN AGAIN, chose between two evil socialist candidates. And no,I dont care if this offends you. It is true. Our current winner said that the United States Consitution is a hindrance and wants us to have mandatory serfdom. The other guy is and was just as much of a shit head. I assure you. But, what really makes the situation awful is that people just accepted them and chose between one evil or the other. And. Most of us are unaware. The "most free country in the world" is actively choosing to become There is more ya know, and I could just continue to ramble. But the end result was really simple for me. With inspiration from so many sources around me. I decided I needed to just go. I have to live specifically for me. Selfishly by my rules. On my own. With only my decisions guiding me. I need to be out of my comfort zone.
I would have always been jealous of a great friend of mine who did this very thing and escaped for quite a while.. and just lived. It was such an incredible bold choice he made. He was unhappy here so he left. Now, he has come back since and I dare say is still a crazy motherfucker, but if nothing else. He is in control of his own life.
My grandfather at the end.. I will remember this quote that was shared with me. He was asked, was there anything in the world he hadn't done that he would like to? He responded with no delay, no. He had done all the things in the world he wanted to do. This man traveled the world and saw all the things he wanted. What better way to feel about life at the end. Nah, man, i'm cool. Iv'e done it all. I'm happy.
The idea of ,atleast for a short period of time, disassociating myself from the ruling bodies of the world. Not paying income taxes... because I have no income. Not being expected to be at my shitty job or do what I'm told. But instead.. roam and go where I want when I want.
There is this movie called Interstate 60. FUCKIN WATCH IT. It is cheesy and lame. But I can't tell you how many very beautiful philophically intelligent statements it makes. Pay attention. There is a scene with a man driving on a road. He realizes he has to choose between two terrible situations. One will be caused by proceeding further down the road. The other just as terrible situation occurs if he turns back. Two choices, Neither one of them good. His response?
He leaves the road.
I'm not lookin for an answer. I'm not expecting this to lead to peace of mind or the ultimate solution to my discontent or unhappiness by any means. I am going for the sake of going. To live free if only for a short period of time. The reason I choose Europe is simple. It is a fairly small localized area with many different cultures and people so that I can jump from one to the next. Immerse myself in places outside of my comfort zone and see the world. Have new stories to tell.
In answer to the big question.. if and when I'm coming back... Well, I'd like to be unrealistic (which is part of the point) and say, I wont ever. Or. It will be a long time from now. I will find magical sources of income or friends or adventure that will allow me to continue forever. Unfortunately, I am far from rich. And I imagine that I will be broke by the end of my second month. And if so, I will start again, possibly in worse situations than when I left. This is with me neglecting to mention the other potential less optimistic thigns that could occur.. but they don't really scare me all that much anyway.
When all is said and done, I will come back or go wherever I go, knowing. That I have not just been alive, but truly have lived. For me. And too few people get to live that way.
For those of you that would like to keep in touch, please start messaging me with your contact information. I will more than likely have access to myspace, email and will also be using snailmail. I will not have a cellphone. I almost definitely will be shutting down facebook and all that other shit.
I also intend to write more often in my blogs again.
Oh, and I almost forgot my yearly quote.
"It's the end of a fucked up year.... there's another one coming"
tradition
I dont think it would be a new year if I didnt follow my normal tradition of writing some normally long intrsopective and mostly jaded type of blog entry about life as I see it. And of course.. I have to quote a little bit of minor threat before it ends.
The odd thing is, I have plenty of thoughts in my head, plenty of writing inspiration.. my bogus opinions on our culture and relationships and politics and religion and all the type of shit. The type of shit that will offend more than half of you and spark some sort of stunning agreement in others. BUT. I have had such a hard time actually writing, because I just dont know where to start. What topic comes first? Well I think I will skip most of the important global opinions and just kinda update the world on my shit.
I have yet to buy my ticket, mostly due to having difficulty figuring out exactly where im starting. But for those of you who dont know, at the end of February I will be getting on an airplane and flying me and my messed up little brain over to Europe. And okay, in response to the first question I normally get.. I dont know how long im gonna be gone. In fact I do not intend to come back, but to be clear, I do not intend to stay there either.
Essentially, I found myself reflecting on my choices over the last several years..|
The end conclusion of this was realizing that I rarely did the things I actually wanted to do. I missed great opportunities in fear of the consequences. Especially when in situations where it might cause a negative public opinion of me. No, no. I can't look bad.. In fact, one opportunity in particular comes to mind.
But also. I did many other things out of this subconscious cultural pressure that I didn't really have the observation skills to notice or the balls to stand up against.
When I was younger I dropped out of highschool. This was a good decision. I immediately got a GED and a job and went to college. And I now have two college degrees. The problem is, I didn't go to college for pyschology, writing, philosophy, music, or any of the things I actually had interest in. Instead I chose to follow the practical advice of my peers and got a business degree... Which I did use for a short period of time as a manager within my current company. I HATED just about every moment of it.
I remained in jobs I disliked. I stayed with girls that I was unhappy with and girls that were generally unhappy with me. Or, I imagine they were unhappy, as they would all eventually lie and cheat on me. For all of my pride in my independence, the moment i got into a situation that seemed normal-ish or like the happy expected cliche I would become this psuedo co-dependent monster. Not that I was needy really, but rather somethign worse. Content. Content in my dull and uninteresting nonprogressive situations. Content to a point of stagnant unchanging boredom. Well. I mean we all have to get jobs, get married, have kids... etc... Atleast I had that girl thing down, I was set. I relied on it. This is a really bogus way to think.
Our country is dying. And dont take that wrong.. I don't think Europe is any better. It's not. But our entire society FUCKIN AGAIN, chose between two evil socialist candidates. And no,I dont care if this offends you. It is true. Our current winner said that the United States Consitution is a hindrance and wants us to have mandatory serfdom. The other guy is and was just as much of a shit head. I assure you. But, what really makes the situation awful is that people just accepted them and chose between one evil or the other. And. Most of us are unaware. The "most free country in the world" is actively choosing to become There is more ya know, and I could just continue to ramble. But the end result was really simple for me. With inspiration from so many sources around me. I decided I needed to just go. I have to live specifically for me. Selfishly by my rules. On my own. With only my decisions guiding me. I need to be out of my comfort zone.
I would have always been jealous of a great friend of mine who did this very thing and escaped for quite a while.. and just lived. It was such an incredible bold choice he made. He was unhappy here so he left. Now, he has come back since and I dare say is still a crazy motherfucker, but if nothing else. He is in control of his own life.
My grandfather at the end.. I will remember this quote that was shared with me. He was asked, was there anything in the world he hadn't done that he would like to? He responded with no delay, no. He had done all the things in the world he wanted to do. This man traveled the world and saw all the things he wanted. What better way to feel about life at the end. Nah, man, i'm cool. Iv'e done it all. I'm happy.
The idea of ,atleast for a short period of time, disassociating myself from the ruling bodies of the world. Not paying income taxes... because I have no income. Not being expected to be at my shitty job or do what I'm told. But instead.. roam and go where I want when I want.
There is this movie called Interstate 60. FUCKIN WATCH IT. It is cheesy and lame. But I can't tell you how many very beautiful philophically intelligent statements it makes. Pay attention. There is a scene with a man driving on a road. He realizes he has to choose between two terrible situations. One will be caused by proceeding further down the road. The other just as terrible situation occurs if he turns back. Two choices, Neither one of them good. His response?
He leaves the road.
I'm not lookin for an answer. I'm not expecting this to lead to peace of mind or the ultimate solution to my discontent or unhappiness by any means. I am going for the sake of going. To live free if only for a short period of time. The reason I choose Europe is simple. It is a fairly small localized area with many different cultures and people so that I can jump from one to the next. Immerse myself in places outside of my comfort zone and see the world. Have new stories to tell.
In answer to the big question.. if and when I'm coming back... Well, I'd like to be unrealistic (which is part of the point) and say, I wont ever. Or. It will be a long time from now. I will find magical sources of income or friends or adventure that will allow me to continue forever. Unfortunately, I am far from rich. And I imagine that I will be broke by the end of my second month. And if so, I will start again, possibly in worse situations than when I left. This is with me neglecting to mention the other potential less optimistic thigns that could occur.. but they don't really scare me all that much anyway.
When all is said and done, I will come back or go wherever I go, knowing. That I have not just been alive, but truly have lived. For me. And too few people get to live that way.
For those of you that would like to keep in touch, please start messaging me with your contact information. I will more than likely have access to myspace, email and will also be using snailmail. I will not have a cellphone. I almost definitely will be shutting down facebook and all that other shit.
I also intend to write more often in my blogs again.
Oh, and I almost forgot my yearly quote.
"It's the end of a fucked up year.... there's another one coming"
niobe:
You are cute. That is all.