Ok, so first off I have returned from what can only be described as a self induced comatose state of self awareness, thank you all that pay attention, and to those of you that have haphazardly stumbled upon my strange pocket of reality I bid you an uneasy welcome.
Secondly, life is very very strange, isn't it? In many ways I feel as though we spend far too much time an energy on the insignificance of emotional weights on things and people that truly don't matter. By that I mean they do matter, they matter about as much as the fly that buzzes by your face in the afternoon sunlight...in the scheme of things, not much. Now, what, if anything does this have to actually do with anything? Nothing, honestly, it has been one of the passing thoughts in my head for some time, exasperated by the realisation that I myself don't really have any friends.
Now, before anyone thinks that this is a paltry exaggeration, hear me out. Calling someone a friend is relative at best, at least to me it is, and not a term I use lightly. This denomination, this title of sorts can be a powerful one of one allows it to get out of control, and so many do. True, I have acquainted myself with many people, but we are far from friends, at least on my end. These are people that I do see on a semi regular basis, typically brought on through work relationships, and almost never outside of it. These are the very same people that I can't share those parts of myself that keep me up at night, you know the ones...those dark nightmarish thoughts that haunt you just as you attempt to find yourself some slumber and have to spend many an hour convincing yourself that they aren't true...you know the ones. The very same that, when the crippling depression hit and you find yourself in the pit of your own making, you hesitate to call them because honestly, they only know one aspect of you. That dear folks isn't truly a friend.
*sigh* I don't have that, that supreme sense of companionship that comes from finding someone, or many someones that I can give that title to. Somehow I believe it may be a failing on my part, or humanity is as much a dumpster fire as my mind tells me that it is. In either event, it is a sad and maddening sense of emptiness that accompanies this and as much as i would attempt to rid myself of it...there is an even larger sense of debilitating confusion of wondering weather or not I want to, or if I can...
Hmmm...i suppose one more cookie and cup of coffee would help my processes.
Until next time.