fuck

I wish you knew how much I’m fighting everything in my head, how much my head is trying to kill this but my heart is keeping me here. I wish I could tell you that when I talk to you the mess from my head mostly calms down. I wish I could stare at you for days sometimes not saying a word just taking you in. Sometimes I just look at photos of you and wish that we could be closer. Phoenix to Brooklyn seems so far apart. I wish I could tell you exactly how long I’ve felt unlovable but truth is it’s been most of my life, as well as, never really feeling like I belong anywhere. I honestly, feel sometimes like I don’t deserve you but I’ve grown to love myself as much as I hate my flaws. I wish I had the confidence I used to have, that dude didn’t give a single fuck. He fought fucked and drank his way through everything. I’ve lost so much, sometimes I feel like I lost myself. I find myself always looking for ways out even when I’m trying to stay. Never really know where I’m going. But I can’t give up, and I can’t let you go without a fight and that fight is against my current level of anxiety and lack of confidence. I was tired of it before we met but it amplified when we met and it’s been trying to sabotage me and my happiness. I know you know I’m getting the help I need. The therapist at work and now trying to get medication on Monday. They say we either have fight or flight, and the flight is trying to be the dominant one here but I’m too much of a fighter, it’s all I’ve ever known, it’s all I’m good at, it’s all I am. Time to start admitting that and using it to my advantage now. If I’ve ever loved anyone, it’s you. Undoubtably, all out and with everything I have. I won’t sacrifice my complete happiness and if I feel uncomfortable I’m going to say my peace. I won’t say you complete me because truth is that hole is something no one can fill. But I will say you’re the thing I look forward to the most everyday. Getting home and getting to FaceTime you is my favorite part of my day. Seeing you laugh or smile, is the greatest gift you give me. I would give everything I have to make this work, within reason. I wouldn’t flinch.