I've never really opened myself up to anyone lately, been carrying this on my own for a long time. On this day 4 years ago, I spent the last day I'd ever spend with my father. I still remember every detail of the day and it was an unusually special feeling, even on that day. I had gotten home from work around 9 am and had not been able to sleep, so around noon I gave up and decided to go get some lunch. On my way out, I swung by my parent's place to see if they wanted to join me, I didn't get a lot of opportunities to see them on 3rd shift. My mother was busy but my dad was dieing to get out of the house, so we went for chinese. I remember laughing at him for peeling the shell of his egg custard. Afterwards, we went to Best Buy and made one of the associates laugh at our ratio vs resolution debate. We spent a lot of time discussing the new Star Wars movie coming out and he kept inquiring to the odds of me saving the current relationship I was in. All in all, it was a great day. Later that night, he came over and hung out with me while I caught on a show I was into at the time(Tomorrow People) and he tried his first "Not your father's rootbeer". Seeings how I was halfway into the season, he left after that episode and asked me to wait until he caught up. I remember hugging him before he left. The last thing I said to him before he left was "You better binge it hard because it's too good to wait". The next day, just after I woke up, I got a call from one of his coworkers who told me I better come quick, my father just collapsed and they are calling the ambulance. I rushed to his work to see the ambulance already there, my heart dropped, part of me already knew. My last vision of him was in the back of the ambulance being defibbed. The rest is a blur, I remember racing behind the ambulance and calling my gf in a panicked frenzy while screaming at people to get out of the way. It felt like days in the waiting room before they came and told us he was gone. I honestly don't think I've been the same since then, I shut down completely. Pushed my gf away, forcing her to leave me. Basically shut my family out and left everyone behind, buried myself in my work and tried to repress everything.
4 years later, I am living with roommates 1400 miles from everyone I knew and never even told them about this until today. My roommates are married, the cutest fucks you'll ever meet. He has a bad habit of letting his work come before his wife and she is loyal to a fault but doesn't take shit from anyone. Today was an exceptionally rough day at work(we work together). So naturally the BS of work carried over at home during dinner and she kept changing the subject and was getting upset, just as much my fault as his, and went to their bedroom. The thought of this day has rung through me all day and I just looked at him and told him "I say this with the utmost respect and love, shut up and go love your wife" gave him a brief rundown of what today is to me and made myself a drink and walked away. He seemed to take my advice to heart.
I really have no end to this, just really needed to let it out, so stop reading this, if you've even made it this far, and go love your loved ones. Today might be the last day you get to spend with them.
I love you, dad.