just a really, fucking weird feeling.
i'm angry, but i'm not.
i'm being a complete jerk, yet i'm helping my friend with broken fingers move today.
i punched a guy in the face last night, then kissed him on the cheek.
i want to be held by someone in some sort of caring manner, but at the same time, i feel empty as fuck and do not want anything from anyone.
my friend mosquito put his arm around me last night and i felt like throwing up.
not that he's a disgusting biker stereotype, he's as close to my type as you can feasibly get here up north: 6'5", black hair, green eyes, crooked nose, hispanic, and demented as hell.
but i couldn't fucking do it.
i went off and sat on a rock with beez while we both shared wine and cigarettes.
and yes i am smoking again.
go fuck yourself if you have a problem with it.
not like it matters anyway.
i don't need to appease anyone right now, or ever.
i don't need nor want to be anything for anyone.
the next person that comes around has to accept me entirely, or i am not bothering.
so beez and i sat there, engrossed in smoke and alcohol, watching everyone interact. i watched my ex hit on this girl at least 30 times. sometimes you don't notice the underlying stupidity when you are being hit on. however, watching this dude was utterly flabbergasting. i thought for a moment: i have an IQ of 153, how did i ever fall for that bullshit?
and for most of the mission, i was kinda depressed. mosquito rode along side me the whole time and i just kinda focused on jumping on and off curbs. i felt kinda bad for him, but i just couldn't do it.
i think what depressed me the most was the thought that i've exhausted all of my possibilities in this city. that's the problem with small towns, you find all the groups and all the people you jive with, and after a while you've seen everyone, you know everything. nothing is new and exciting anymore and you're just a fucking cog in the system.
last night was the first night that scul no longer felt new and exciting and this scares me.
because when this starts happening, i leave a city for good.
and with everything else in my life going extremely well, this is a hard thing for me to consider. but the thoughts already in there, its a sprout that may or may not be watered and allowed to flourish.
i had already decided a long time ago that the next place i went was the south pacific. i have already begun making the arrangements. i am taking french lessons after work. i'm researching grants and writing proposals to get this all funded. i've literally told no one about this, i've been considering just disappearing one day.
after all, no one really means what they say, no one holistically gives a fuck. it's all part of a grand manipulation. part of me doesn't want to deal with people anymore, to have any kind of attachments or any kind of connections. to live on an island, sufficient on the sea and your hands, to die a death like paul gaugain, inside a well, clutching your teeth as you remember your fond days of burlesque....
i'm angry, but i'm not.
i'm being a complete jerk, yet i'm helping my friend with broken fingers move today.
i punched a guy in the face last night, then kissed him on the cheek.
i want to be held by someone in some sort of caring manner, but at the same time, i feel empty as fuck and do not want anything from anyone.
my friend mosquito put his arm around me last night and i felt like throwing up.
not that he's a disgusting biker stereotype, he's as close to my type as you can feasibly get here up north: 6'5", black hair, green eyes, crooked nose, hispanic, and demented as hell.
but i couldn't fucking do it.
i went off and sat on a rock with beez while we both shared wine and cigarettes.
and yes i am smoking again.
go fuck yourself if you have a problem with it.
not like it matters anyway.
i don't need to appease anyone right now, or ever.
i don't need nor want to be anything for anyone.
the next person that comes around has to accept me entirely, or i am not bothering.
so beez and i sat there, engrossed in smoke and alcohol, watching everyone interact. i watched my ex hit on this girl at least 30 times. sometimes you don't notice the underlying stupidity when you are being hit on. however, watching this dude was utterly flabbergasting. i thought for a moment: i have an IQ of 153, how did i ever fall for that bullshit?
and for most of the mission, i was kinda depressed. mosquito rode along side me the whole time and i just kinda focused on jumping on and off curbs. i felt kinda bad for him, but i just couldn't do it.
i think what depressed me the most was the thought that i've exhausted all of my possibilities in this city. that's the problem with small towns, you find all the groups and all the people you jive with, and after a while you've seen everyone, you know everything. nothing is new and exciting anymore and you're just a fucking cog in the system.
last night was the first night that scul no longer felt new and exciting and this scares me.
because when this starts happening, i leave a city for good.
and with everything else in my life going extremely well, this is a hard thing for me to consider. but the thoughts already in there, its a sprout that may or may not be watered and allowed to flourish.
i had already decided a long time ago that the next place i went was the south pacific. i have already begun making the arrangements. i am taking french lessons after work. i'm researching grants and writing proposals to get this all funded. i've literally told no one about this, i've been considering just disappearing one day.
after all, no one really means what they say, no one holistically gives a fuck. it's all part of a grand manipulation. part of me doesn't want to deal with people anymore, to have any kind of attachments or any kind of connections. to live on an island, sufficient on the sea and your hands, to die a death like paul gaugain, inside a well, clutching your teeth as you remember your fond days of burlesque....