Me, Myself and Migraine.
I dont like complaining. I really dont. Whenever I catch myself bitching or moaning about something I immediatly feel bad, like Ive offended someone, somewhere by being self-absorbed and I should cut it out. There are so many people who suffer so much more than me and at the end of the day I dont have much right to whine. But sometimes I feel justified. It might not be very often, but sometimes something will either piss me off, sicken me or frighten the bejesus out of me to the point where I have to speak out. This is all three of those things.
Let me use a past example to explain why. Not too long ago I was at work. Work isnt hard for me. Im a phone-monkey, which basically means wearing a headset and browsing the forums whilst repeating the same schpiel over and over again. Now, this particular day hadnt been especially eventful. Id gotten up sometime in the afternoon, gone about my usual business, not doing anything especially strenuous or exhausting. I'd gone to work in a decent enough mood and things were going well.
Then it happened.
A sign Ive come to recognise over the last 7 or 8 years. A warning signal that would put anyone on edge. I went blind. Not totally blind mind you, only partially. A small section of my field of vision was blotted out, like some bastard was holding a lightbulb by the side of my head and the intense glare was clouding my view. I tried to ignore it, partly because I already knew what to expect, partly out of some small hope that it wasnt what I feared.
But on it went.
I tried to keep reading and talking but past experience told me I was fighting a losing battle. Letters in the middle of words were disappearing as I tried to read them, somewhere on the way information wasnt going in the right direction and my eyes were fucking up seven ways from Sunday. I put the phone dailer on pause and decided to take a break to collect myself. Standing up to get to the kitchen was a struggle. My head began to swim and my legs turned to jelly, but I did my best to cover it. At this point I could feel the colour draining out of my face, the sweat starting to gather and my body starting to tremble as I staggered into the hall and through the door.
Finally, with a glass of cold water in my shaking hand I sipped slowly the second wonderful symptom made itself known. The glass in my left hand didnt feel as cold as before. Infact, I couldnt feel it at all. I swapped hands quickly, now that my left hand had been rendered totally useless from the numbing that was making its way from my fingers and up my arm.
Trying to stay calm I took another sip. The water passed my lips and then...nothing. The inside of my throat was now gripped with the same numbing claws as my arm. I could feel the tiny jabbing pins and needles travelling down my esophagus and back up to my lips. My tongue started to prickle and I could feel the left side of my mouth start to slightly droop.
"Holy shit," came the anxiety out of my addled brain "this is different, Im having a stroke. Im 20 years old and Im having a stroke. Im going to drop dead from an aneurism right next to the fucking fridge."
I tried to stay calm and started pacing slowly back and forth, measuring my steps, taking small sips of cold water and breathing in and out slowly. My thoughts became a mess. A confused muddle of letters and sounds in my head that I couldnt piece together into a single sentence without a mighty effort. Inside my mind it sounded like the ravings of some homeless lunatic, trying desperatly to impart you with his own special knowledge in his own special language. Nothing was clear, my brain had become a muddled jigsaw. Panic was creeping its way up my back as I tried to keep my composure and keep breathing steadily. I felt dizzy. Sick. I felt like my intestines were about to come pouring out of my mouth at any second while my brain fried in its own juices. I hoped no one walked in at that point and attempted to talk to me, having to hear the garbled gibberish that would fall out of my limp mouth. The ten minutes it lasted felt like hours slowly dragging painfully by.
Then, mercy. The feeling in my left hand started to return. I could feel that odd cooling sensation that comes when numbness passes and felt my fingers moving properly again. My mouth, my throat and my tongue gradually came back to life. My vision cleared and so did, thank God, my thoughts. I could think clearly again. I could once more form words in my head and I felt a rush of incredible relief.
But that was not the end.
No, then came my reward. The pain. The incredible, crippling pain in the side of my head, just above my eye. The invisible man just broke in through the window and stabbed me in the eye socket with an electrified shard of ice. It comes on so quickly that its as if its always been there, waiting to open its coat and reveal its throbbing, tortured torso to me. I finished the water and ambled back to the office.
"I think I'll have to take the rest of the night off," I managed to say to the supervisor, weakly, "my head is pounding."
Luckily people in work are laid back enough, she says its no problem and I quickly grab my stuff and get out into the cold night air, hoping it'll bring some relief.
For the next 2 or 3 days, maybe a week the pain remains. Very slowly ebbing away until its finally gone. For the first couple of days, no matter how many pills are popped, there's barely any relief. Like a lump of frozen stone sat coldly burning just behind my skull. Every time I move it throbs like a tender bruise. Once its finally gone again its almost euphoric if it wasnt for the exhaustion it brings.
Some of you may scoff at all this. "Bah!" you say, "its only a headache, get over it you whiney baby."
Ive had headaches. We all get them from time to time and they're no picnic either. But the pain that comes with a migraine is something else entirely. Others of you who have been afflicted of them will know that horrible sickening pain in the brain that makes you want to lie down in the street and pray for the sweet release of unconciousness. Those who've never had one, be thankful and hope you never do. People tell you to go and lie in a dark room, but the peace and quiet only serves to amplify the throbbing with every pulse in your head. Sleep doesnt come easy, if it all because you cant relax, but even if you try and carry on with your life its still there. Like a fishing hook has been embedded in your eye and the fisherman is doing his damndest to reel you in.
"Get thee to a doctor!" I hear you cry, but Im way ahead of you. This first happened to me when I was thirteen. At the time my mother truly believed I was having a stroke. I couldnt speak and was violently sick through a mixture of pain-induced nausia and total panic. I had bloodtests and they slid me into an MRI scan only to reveal nothing. This is not a tumour, nor is it a stroke. No. This is my old friend the migraine.
Why am I posting this today? A few reasons. Firstly, these things always come and go around the same time of year so Im preparing myself in a sense. Once summer starts I can expect the first to come. Then they come and go right through until September. Secondly, it pisses me off, which is my reason for the tag. These fucking things take away hours, days of my life and replace them with almost disabling agony and its a pain in...well, my fucking brain. I felt like I had to let it out. Another reason is that today I woke up and my left arm was numb, my head was pounding and my mouth was horrfically dry.
I'd had one of these bad boys in my sleep.
And that terrifies me. To think of my brain doing all this stuff while Im unconcious is a very unsettling thought indeed. Its not that I have any control over them when they happen anyway, but the thought of them happening when Im not even aware of it creates a horrible unease in the pit of my stomach.
Yes a lot of people suffer much more than me and generally my life is good, but I felt the need to vent as there's really nothing I can do about them. There's a proper medical name for the specific type I have but I cant remember it. Basically the blood vessels swell and constrict blood flow to a certain part of the brain (hence the numbness in some body parts and the confusion), and when they relax to let the blood flow properly again it leaves the horrible pain behind.
I dont like complaining. I really dont. Whenever I catch myself bitching or moaning about something I immediatly feel bad, like Ive offended someone, somewhere by being self-absorbed and I should cut it out. There are so many people who suffer so much more than me and at the end of the day I dont have much right to whine. But sometimes I feel justified. It might not be very often, but sometimes something will either piss me off, sicken me or frighten the bejesus out of me to the point where I have to speak out. This is all three of those things.
Let me use a past example to explain why. Not too long ago I was at work. Work isnt hard for me. Im a phone-monkey, which basically means wearing a headset and browsing the forums whilst repeating the same schpiel over and over again. Now, this particular day hadnt been especially eventful. Id gotten up sometime in the afternoon, gone about my usual business, not doing anything especially strenuous or exhausting. I'd gone to work in a decent enough mood and things were going well.
Then it happened.
A sign Ive come to recognise over the last 7 or 8 years. A warning signal that would put anyone on edge. I went blind. Not totally blind mind you, only partially. A small section of my field of vision was blotted out, like some bastard was holding a lightbulb by the side of my head and the intense glare was clouding my view. I tried to ignore it, partly because I already knew what to expect, partly out of some small hope that it wasnt what I feared.
But on it went.
I tried to keep reading and talking but past experience told me I was fighting a losing battle. Letters in the middle of words were disappearing as I tried to read them, somewhere on the way information wasnt going in the right direction and my eyes were fucking up seven ways from Sunday. I put the phone dailer on pause and decided to take a break to collect myself. Standing up to get to the kitchen was a struggle. My head began to swim and my legs turned to jelly, but I did my best to cover it. At this point I could feel the colour draining out of my face, the sweat starting to gather and my body starting to tremble as I staggered into the hall and through the door.
Finally, with a glass of cold water in my shaking hand I sipped slowly the second wonderful symptom made itself known. The glass in my left hand didnt feel as cold as before. Infact, I couldnt feel it at all. I swapped hands quickly, now that my left hand had been rendered totally useless from the numbing that was making its way from my fingers and up my arm.
Trying to stay calm I took another sip. The water passed my lips and then...nothing. The inside of my throat was now gripped with the same numbing claws as my arm. I could feel the tiny jabbing pins and needles travelling down my esophagus and back up to my lips. My tongue started to prickle and I could feel the left side of my mouth start to slightly droop.
"Holy shit," came the anxiety out of my addled brain "this is different, Im having a stroke. Im 20 years old and Im having a stroke. Im going to drop dead from an aneurism right next to the fucking fridge."
I tried to stay calm and started pacing slowly back and forth, measuring my steps, taking small sips of cold water and breathing in and out slowly. My thoughts became a mess. A confused muddle of letters and sounds in my head that I couldnt piece together into a single sentence without a mighty effort. Inside my mind it sounded like the ravings of some homeless lunatic, trying desperatly to impart you with his own special knowledge in his own special language. Nothing was clear, my brain had become a muddled jigsaw. Panic was creeping its way up my back as I tried to keep my composure and keep breathing steadily. I felt dizzy. Sick. I felt like my intestines were about to come pouring out of my mouth at any second while my brain fried in its own juices. I hoped no one walked in at that point and attempted to talk to me, having to hear the garbled gibberish that would fall out of my limp mouth. The ten minutes it lasted felt like hours slowly dragging painfully by.
Then, mercy. The feeling in my left hand started to return. I could feel that odd cooling sensation that comes when numbness passes and felt my fingers moving properly again. My mouth, my throat and my tongue gradually came back to life. My vision cleared and so did, thank God, my thoughts. I could think clearly again. I could once more form words in my head and I felt a rush of incredible relief.
But that was not the end.
No, then came my reward. The pain. The incredible, crippling pain in the side of my head, just above my eye. The invisible man just broke in through the window and stabbed me in the eye socket with an electrified shard of ice. It comes on so quickly that its as if its always been there, waiting to open its coat and reveal its throbbing, tortured torso to me. I finished the water and ambled back to the office.
"I think I'll have to take the rest of the night off," I managed to say to the supervisor, weakly, "my head is pounding."
Luckily people in work are laid back enough, she says its no problem and I quickly grab my stuff and get out into the cold night air, hoping it'll bring some relief.
For the next 2 or 3 days, maybe a week the pain remains. Very slowly ebbing away until its finally gone. For the first couple of days, no matter how many pills are popped, there's barely any relief. Like a lump of frozen stone sat coldly burning just behind my skull. Every time I move it throbs like a tender bruise. Once its finally gone again its almost euphoric if it wasnt for the exhaustion it brings.
Some of you may scoff at all this. "Bah!" you say, "its only a headache, get over it you whiney baby."
Ive had headaches. We all get them from time to time and they're no picnic either. But the pain that comes with a migraine is something else entirely. Others of you who have been afflicted of them will know that horrible sickening pain in the brain that makes you want to lie down in the street and pray for the sweet release of unconciousness. Those who've never had one, be thankful and hope you never do. People tell you to go and lie in a dark room, but the peace and quiet only serves to amplify the throbbing with every pulse in your head. Sleep doesnt come easy, if it all because you cant relax, but even if you try and carry on with your life its still there. Like a fishing hook has been embedded in your eye and the fisherman is doing his damndest to reel you in.
"Get thee to a doctor!" I hear you cry, but Im way ahead of you. This first happened to me when I was thirteen. At the time my mother truly believed I was having a stroke. I couldnt speak and was violently sick through a mixture of pain-induced nausia and total panic. I had bloodtests and they slid me into an MRI scan only to reveal nothing. This is not a tumour, nor is it a stroke. No. This is my old friend the migraine.
Why am I posting this today? A few reasons. Firstly, these things always come and go around the same time of year so Im preparing myself in a sense. Once summer starts I can expect the first to come. Then they come and go right through until September. Secondly, it pisses me off, which is my reason for the tag. These fucking things take away hours, days of my life and replace them with almost disabling agony and its a pain in...well, my fucking brain. I felt like I had to let it out. Another reason is that today I woke up and my left arm was numb, my head was pounding and my mouth was horrfically dry.
I'd had one of these bad boys in my sleep.
And that terrifies me. To think of my brain doing all this stuff while Im unconcious is a very unsettling thought indeed. Its not that I have any control over them when they happen anyway, but the thought of them happening when Im not even aware of it creates a horrible unease in the pit of my stomach.
Yes a lot of people suffer much more than me and generally my life is good, but I felt the need to vent as there's really nothing I can do about them. There's a proper medical name for the specific type I have but I cant remember it. Basically the blood vessels swell and constrict blood flow to a certain part of the brain (hence the numbness in some body parts and the confusion), and when they relax to let the blood flow properly again it leaves the horrible pain behind.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
If that makes any sense.
I agree with Dylan on the migraine bitchiness. Once you have them (and they are becoming more commonplace in my life) you realized how debiliating they truly are. Fucking hangovers are nothing now!
I am glad you didn;t have a stroke, I am so worried about that...smoking and being on the pill=bad combo.