I am attacking everyone around me, and I dont know why.
Some times I wish I could sleep soundly with out pills, but with out them every night I die.
A thousand times I wish that I could cry, but thats never attractive so I harden the fuck up, move on, and wonder why I feel so alone.
I knew this path I took would be hard, but the pain feels so prolonged.
I try to deal with it, but even with the pills I feel I push every one away. so long.
When I feel like I have a friend, I feel like I bludgeon them,
With distress, as I pick apart my issues, all of them I address.
I am anxious, and stressed.
I realize that this is my fucking burden to bear.
So I push it down deep, in the pills keep,
They cling to my throat, like feelings, the fall is scary, and steep.
Im wrapped in razor wire, the laceration leave cuts burning like fire.
I lash out without care at who ever is there, Im dizzy, confused, and tired.
I get it, this is me now.
The war has been over, no one left to fight but myself.
Please back away, you cant stop this wax as it melts.
I can make my self happy, and when I really try, if I put my mind to it, I have the desire to survive.
If not for any purpose other than the purpose is me.
Some times when im clever, I can pick the locks, and break free.
Though sometimes like today, freedom from this pain seems so far away.
I want to be hugged, but I'd rather decay.
So to those that do try, I am missing you now.
This night is not over, I promise I'll survive somehow.
There is no other way, I cannot afford to succumb to the defeatist. This is not my last day.
Tomorrow I'll try harder to not push you away, or strangle your empathy with my loneliness, thats a promise, okay?
Though I am tired, some might say sick, tomorrow is a new day, and I am not through burning my wick.
This is just me in my toils, soon I will uncoil, and be back on top of my shit.
I have no fucking clue why I am telling you this.
Maybe, my soul has been rotting, and I am verbally draining the cysts.
Vomiting the vile contents of my mind, maybe saying this out loud will help me unwind.
I was doing so well, and now I find my self in this rut.
Its like I got a minor cut that was allowed to infect, now I am trying to rid this infection by spilling my guts, and such.
Perseverance is key, I have to intake the good like a fiend, even if its the little things, like the wind blowing through the leaves on fucking trees.