Maybe time for a new blog. Mostly because there's a lot that has to go off my chest.
Things are quite rough these days. Do you know that feeling that about everything is slipping through your hands, and you can't control it? And apparently, I just don't cope that well with loosing control.
A lot of things that effect my emotions have to do with me realising I'm struggling my way out of a burnout, with being highly sensitive. Believe me, I want so much, but lack the energy to accomplish anything. And by putting the bar up too high for myself, I tend to make it worse :) Which affects me in finding a new job. Which affects me in just feeling sane in my way to get there.
So I wanna read a new book. A lot of books. But after a few pages they annoy me and I loose interest.
So I wanna pick it up with my friends. But instead of being a man and meet up, I don't come closer than sending them a text once in a (too long?) while.
So I wanna go out, enjoy spring, make long walks. But instead I hardly come any further than the back yard, only to go back inside and reorganise my complete music collection :)
Maybe I don't sound cheery today, or not relaxed at all. I'm sorry. My day started quite ok, I'm actually feeling quite happy lately. Despite the lack of control I mentioned. But also a bit weird and 'not-enough-energy'. I have a sort of a defense mechanism which can make me almost completely block out the rest of the world. So actually I didn't really go out of the house that much the last couple of days. And since monday, my phone was on voicemail and I didn't open gmail... Until I realised in the afternoon some people where doing hard efforts to reach me. The story is, I went to school again, since last october, for some courses. It's mainly education for unemployed and higher skilled people. One of the guys I spend a lot of time with is a bit older then me, but he was great, cheery, funny, friendly. Great guy! He was struggling quite hard to find a new job and to accept the fact of being unemployed, and I already sensed he was probably in a burnout too... But I never succeeded in talking about it. I'm a bad talker. Two weeks ago, we had our last class together. Today I heard he made an end to his life. I don't really know how to deal with. It's the worst when people don't see an exit to their situation.
I wanna know something from you people. Where do you dream of? With that, I mean the small things. The little 5-minute-daydreams. What do you think about the last five minutes before you fall asleep?
There are some small things I'm looking forward to. I'm gonna pick up photography again. It inspires me. And I do believe I really good at it :)
I'm gonna talk more. Here. With you. Actually I like a lot of you guys! And in 3D I gonna talk more too :) Or listen. Listening is so important and I really like listening. People need to listen more...
Music is something that really gets me through the days. Actually, I don't know many things that affect my 'way of feeling' so much as music. You like this one?