School is starting to get fun again. I do the readings with interest, I enjoy the discussions, I even enjoy written assignments. I'm reading Tuesdays with Morrie for my religion class, methodology in the study of religion or something like that, it's one of my favorite classes so far. Anyway, I thought the book would be lame, it's like 200 pages really big text, it was an Oprah book club book and it's in the "inspirational" section. So I was right about it not being the most intellectual book in the world... but it really is inspirational, it's about a dying jewish man, I was not excited, I think some religions are way over rated in the west but anyway, it's good. He takes from every religion, he's talked about Buddism so far more than anything, and it really does inspire me a little. It's an honest story, honest and simple and yet really deep. It dosen't try to be deep, it's one of those books that shows you through a very simple man/example how profound simple ideas can be if you actually follow through with them and shows you that it's possible. Anyway, I'm sure a lot of you have read it but if you haven't do it, it'll take an hour and you'll get something out of it even if it's not like some detailed life changing self help book or a multi exampled book of essays by very smart people about a certain philosophy by which to live your life.
In other news, the ratties are becoming much more friendly, they will both run around outside of the cage now and explore the inner depths of the mess under my bed, they still don't really approach me but they're getting closer, won't run away if I like breath or talk now lol.
I've been really disconnected from people recently. I don't really talk to my parents anymore about anything that really deals with my life, I don't talk to my old friends much and I don't let my new friends get too close. It's weird, I don't mean to do it but I'm noticing more and more that I just don't trust people, and I'm too lazy to try and see if it will "work." There's one girl I finally opened up to recently just cause I felt like I coulden't take some stupid stuff I was upset about and it felt good, and it made me realize how much I've been avoiding doing that. I used to cry and talk to people all the time, tell them my real fears, concerns, passions etc, but it's like the other day when I finally gave in and told someone something I really felt I was like wow. I haven't done that in a long time. It was like I haden't even noticed, like small insignificant decisions about what to say in whatever situation had lead me to that point. That's scary especially since in my book it talks about you know, people who "sleep-walk" through life, and I've always thought that I wasn't like that at all, but I'm starting to think slowly I'm getting there myself.
Like when I talk to someone at school, before, I'd have high hopes of hitting it off with them and becoming friends and sharing secrets and going out together, but now, I don't even WANT that, it feels like it's just gunna be pain and dissapointment in the end. I feel like I'm having intimacy issues lol like if this was about boys I'd just broken up with someone and was sad and now I'm scared to have a new one, but with friends. It just seems like it's so hard to meet people you really connect with, and even when you find someone like that it's so hard to make it work. It's more work than a boy girl relationship cause at least there there's some lust to carry you over, there's "friends" and there's an extra layer of "mushy" stuff to make you be ok together. I think it's harder to be a good friend then a good girlfriend, and I'm failing in the latter department right now.
I don't know if it's cause of my place in my life right now, like in college, transition phase, no one stays friends or finds forever friends in college cause you move apart or just grow apart with school and then with a career. Or maybe it's cause I live with a boyfriend and so it's some how blocking me from having friends, or if I'm just sad and giving up on the idea of friends, but I'll get over it? I dunno what it is but I hope to figure it out and then fix it cause I feel like sometimes I don't even get my true feelings out to jon, and sometimes I don't want to, I want a girls perspective or someone outside of my daily life to talk to, someone I can tell things to that happened because they weren't there. Someone disscuss stuff with I learned in school that day. Blah, I dunno. I dunno if I want to fix the relationships I have or if I want new ones or if I don't want any at all. I just know I feel shitty about my situation right now and that I haven't said anything in a long time and this is a place where I can and I feel like someone hears it and so it hasen't been wasted, but I don't have to try because I don't know who will read it or if I even know the person who reads it. That was the longest sentance ever. And a long post.
To whom it may concern,
Thanks for listening.
Love,
Alley
In other news, the ratties are becoming much more friendly, they will both run around outside of the cage now and explore the inner depths of the mess under my bed, they still don't really approach me but they're getting closer, won't run away if I like breath or talk now lol.
I've been really disconnected from people recently. I don't really talk to my parents anymore about anything that really deals with my life, I don't talk to my old friends much and I don't let my new friends get too close. It's weird, I don't mean to do it but I'm noticing more and more that I just don't trust people, and I'm too lazy to try and see if it will "work." There's one girl I finally opened up to recently just cause I felt like I coulden't take some stupid stuff I was upset about and it felt good, and it made me realize how much I've been avoiding doing that. I used to cry and talk to people all the time, tell them my real fears, concerns, passions etc, but it's like the other day when I finally gave in and told someone something I really felt I was like wow. I haven't done that in a long time. It was like I haden't even noticed, like small insignificant decisions about what to say in whatever situation had lead me to that point. That's scary especially since in my book it talks about you know, people who "sleep-walk" through life, and I've always thought that I wasn't like that at all, but I'm starting to think slowly I'm getting there myself.
Like when I talk to someone at school, before, I'd have high hopes of hitting it off with them and becoming friends and sharing secrets and going out together, but now, I don't even WANT that, it feels like it's just gunna be pain and dissapointment in the end. I feel like I'm having intimacy issues lol like if this was about boys I'd just broken up with someone and was sad and now I'm scared to have a new one, but with friends. It just seems like it's so hard to meet people you really connect with, and even when you find someone like that it's so hard to make it work. It's more work than a boy girl relationship cause at least there there's some lust to carry you over, there's "friends" and there's an extra layer of "mushy" stuff to make you be ok together. I think it's harder to be a good friend then a good girlfriend, and I'm failing in the latter department right now.
I don't know if it's cause of my place in my life right now, like in college, transition phase, no one stays friends or finds forever friends in college cause you move apart or just grow apart with school and then with a career. Or maybe it's cause I live with a boyfriend and so it's some how blocking me from having friends, or if I'm just sad and giving up on the idea of friends, but I'll get over it? I dunno what it is but I hope to figure it out and then fix it cause I feel like sometimes I don't even get my true feelings out to jon, and sometimes I don't want to, I want a girls perspective or someone outside of my daily life to talk to, someone I can tell things to that happened because they weren't there. Someone disscuss stuff with I learned in school that day. Blah, I dunno. I dunno if I want to fix the relationships I have or if I want new ones or if I don't want any at all. I just know I feel shitty about my situation right now and that I haven't said anything in a long time and this is a place where I can and I feel like someone hears it and so it hasen't been wasted, but I don't have to try because I don't know who will read it or if I even know the person who reads it. That was the longest sentance ever. And a long post.
To whom it may concern,
Thanks for listening.
Love,
Alley
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
lets see...
Read tuesdays with morrie, good stuff, its more than about an old jewish man...
Rats are growing up. Blech.
Got nothing to say to my parents or lifelong friends... feck em.
Havnt made any new friends since panda... cause they suck, but hes neat.
Growing up sucks, but at least I got my boyfriend.... at least for now.
or something like that... soooo many words.
I'm not sure if that made any sense at all.