So, I'm writing my thesis.
Which means I'm spending a looooooooot more time on SG (trying to write sends me into a panic, which sends me on a search for mindless time wastage). Which means I'm getting a real good look at the kind of stuff folks say to each other about love and sex and their music tastes.
And it's making me pretty sad, I guess.
I'm not saying I need someone to feel sorry for me, I'm just saying what I'm saying cause sometimes you gotta.
My family is full, and I mean chock full of train wrecks. On both sides psychiatric problems have led to violence, addictions, suicides... as far back as you can go, it's just pain and disease and more pain.
It's hard to come from that. It's hard to see people unraveling, to watch the effect that has on their kids and then on those kids' kids, all around you on every side as you grow up.
I don't know how to deal with it. Do I reject my family? Stay away? How can I do that? We share faces and names and that squinty-eye-thing we all do when we smile. Many of them need help so bad, but getting near them is literally and actually dangerous. They may barely be able to keep themselves fed, but they are the best manipulators in the world. They can't help it - for a lot of them, deceit is the only skill they've ever been able to consistently and effectively put into use.
The cousins and nieces and nephews - all little towheads that have no idea, no understanding of what it could possibly mean to be treated right, no idea that not every 5 year old has to hide his mom's whiskey in a new place every morning before she wakes up.
I feel so guilty because I'm too afraid to step in and help. I'm one of those kids in so many ways. I've only just managed to escape wrecking my own life. I'm afraid that if I open the door, if I step one foot in to try to help any of them, I'll get pulled right back down into the crush of all that sorrow and need.
And it makes me very sad.
It makes it very hard for me to get to know people. What will they think if they see where I come from, what's really running through my veins, that miserable person I so carefully and just barely did not become?
I can't trust my intuition about folks either - my internal compass just leads me back into the same old shit: what I'm used to, what I know, what's been passed off for ages in my family as love.
The worst part is that it's nobody's fault, really. There's no one I can blame or be angry with. It's just a stupid disease of the mind, wreaking it's indifferent havoc on us all.
Which means I'm spending a looooooooot more time on SG (trying to write sends me into a panic, which sends me on a search for mindless time wastage). Which means I'm getting a real good look at the kind of stuff folks say to each other about love and sex and their music tastes.
And it's making me pretty sad, I guess.
I'm not saying I need someone to feel sorry for me, I'm just saying what I'm saying cause sometimes you gotta.
My family is full, and I mean chock full of train wrecks. On both sides psychiatric problems have led to violence, addictions, suicides... as far back as you can go, it's just pain and disease and more pain.
It's hard to come from that. It's hard to see people unraveling, to watch the effect that has on their kids and then on those kids' kids, all around you on every side as you grow up.
I don't know how to deal with it. Do I reject my family? Stay away? How can I do that? We share faces and names and that squinty-eye-thing we all do when we smile. Many of them need help so bad, but getting near them is literally and actually dangerous. They may barely be able to keep themselves fed, but they are the best manipulators in the world. They can't help it - for a lot of them, deceit is the only skill they've ever been able to consistently and effectively put into use.
The cousins and nieces and nephews - all little towheads that have no idea, no understanding of what it could possibly mean to be treated right, no idea that not every 5 year old has to hide his mom's whiskey in a new place every morning before she wakes up.
I feel so guilty because I'm too afraid to step in and help. I'm one of those kids in so many ways. I've only just managed to escape wrecking my own life. I'm afraid that if I open the door, if I step one foot in to try to help any of them, I'll get pulled right back down into the crush of all that sorrow and need.
And it makes me very sad.
It makes it very hard for me to get to know people. What will they think if they see where I come from, what's really running through my veins, that miserable person I so carefully and just barely did not become?
I can't trust my intuition about folks either - my internal compass just leads me back into the same old shit: what I'm used to, what I know, what's been passed off for ages in my family as love.
The worst part is that it's nobody's fault, really. There's no one I can blame or be angry with. It's just a stupid disease of the mind, wreaking it's indifferent havoc on us all.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
I don't like to get to know new people at all. It makes me incrediably nervous. I usually just assume they are up to something. That they are not authentic & that their intensions are corrupt. Mostly because I don't trust my own gut to kick in when it needs to & tell me that something is wrong. I usually panic at some point & start thinking they are this or that & then I can't talk to them again. It is all in my head... at least I think it is... I don't really know, at the time it seems logical. People scare me. I like kitties much better.