Time of the month
Well it's that time of the month for me again, where everything sucks and I feel just plain miserable for about a week. A joyous occasion to say the least. For those who aren't in the know this is my equivalency of male PMS. After 4 fucking years of this bullshit I would have thought this mindset would have gone by the wayside by now, but apparently old habits die hard... or maybe don't ever die. My good buddy Eric got the most of this over the past year and a half and still continues to be patient with me, and still a person I can talk to about anything.
So for those who may wonder or care, about the last week of every month into the first week of the next, I go through a period of withdrawal from people and things. My mind looks back on the month that has passed and takes stock of what (if anything) in my life has changed, and what positive impact (if any) said changes have had. Naturally when certain life aspects are found to have not changed, my mind simply begins dumping poisonous thoughts into my body and makes me a miserable prick for about a week, than all passes and I become my normal jovial self again. What many people around me don't actually realize is the front I put on in my day-to-day life. The shiny demeanor that everyone sees, the smiling face that always has a joke, or a funny quip to keep you smiling, is not all it seems on the inside. I feel as though I am in constant battle with myself, that I am my own worst enemy, and in many cases I am. I'm not crazy, or imbalanced or anything like that, so don't get the wrong idea, but as everyone knows I usually turn to music to express how I truly feel. Well this is what happens when I can't find a song, you get the outpouring of my soul. Well let's tip the pitcher a lil...
I never thought I would ever say this but I am really starting to miss working third shift. If the fucking hours and lifestyle changes didn't make me want to /wrist, I would more than gladly go back in a fucking heartbeat. I miss the guys, Mark, Eric, and Gerry and the bond of friendship I had with them all. No matter what was bothering me: physical pain, life troubles, chicks, home-life, stupid friends... they were always there to listen and offer some kind of advice. Eric usually just told me to do pushups, and that I was a pussy and suck it up LOL! But even that was comforting, it helped me see that somethings are trivial and not worth my attention. Gerry always had the "fatherly advice" and in a weird sort of way, I began to appreciate him and look at him as a sort of "second father". Then there was Mark, Mark always had the good advice mixed in with the bad and eccentric, and usually all his solutions revolved around either eating, spending money, getting laid or going to a bar or strip club. Then there was always the consumer electronics show... LMAO!!!!!! (inside joke). I really tend to despise everyone I work with on 1st shift. There are some diamonds in the rough don't get me wrong, but I could do without most of them as a whole.
As previously mentioned the job situation is at a fucking stall right now. I'm still lumping pills around taking orders from people who wouldn't know their ass from their elbow, and would lose in a fight against a paper bag... I swear to God if this is how 6 years of College spits you out, I think I should consider dropping out, because I NEVER want to end up like half of these people. Professional defenestration everyday is looking more and more appealing as a career move. (defenestration is the act of being thrown out of a window). Work for me is tied with school. Am I getting close, yes. Am I there yet, fuck no. 3 more classes is all I need and then RIH was all just a bad dream... I'm not sure if I would have survived @ Keystone especially now that they have gone through 2.. count em 2 mergers, but it would have been interesting to see where I would have ended up. Granted then I would have never met a great number of people in my life, and trust me, at this point that is both a blessing and a curse.
- Decisions -
I have to face the fact that I need to start making some hard decisions in the next few weeks, in the words of the emperor "about a great many things". I need to start taking steps to protect myself from people, situations, and things that are closing in all around me. I feel I am being setup... setup for a great falling down. As God as my witness I pray on everything that I am and that I believe in that I am wrong, but I can't shake this fucking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am setting up for a downfall.
Right now on the internet radio I am listening the Beatles "Help!" is on.. lol the radio gods are smiling on me
right now.
I'm getting tired of looking for EVERYTHING I need out of this life. I just want to find peace.. find happiness.. find compassion.. I know what some of you are thinking.. how can you expect to make someone else happy if you are not happy with yourself! Good point I say to that, however those who ask that question don't truly know me for shit. So if you asked that, you can feel free to stop reading. Go ahead.. I'll give you a minute...
... dum de dum
Ok, for those who stayed, grats! Those who truly know me should know that I am a very tender and giving person. I have lots of compassion and feelings that I need to SHARE with another person. If I don't have a proper receptacle for all of my tenderness and soft feelings... it stays bottled up and locked deep down, and shadowed by anger, bitterness and spitefulness. Does it make me a bad person..? I don't think so. Does it make me self-defeating...? That is more accurate.
So where is this all going you may be asking. How are you going to fix all of this? Well the answer is... I don't know. If I had an easy solution to all of my troubles I would have used it by now, trust me, but as we all know life is never easy. So this is about where I need to place a disclaimer.. please everyone who may comment and provide feedback (which I welcome by the way...) Please spare me your fucking euphemisms on life.. I don't need any of this "it's always darkest before and dawn, there are plenty of fish in the sea" bullshit (great family guy reference there if anyone got it). I KNOW things could always be worse, I KNOW there are people out there that have it much worse off then me, I know all about the starving kids in China and all that stuff, but remember this is a journal about MY LIFE, as in the one that I am living, so this is where I get to reflect on how MY life is and what is upsetting to me about MY life. I'm not looking to any of you to solve my problems for me... I am simply providing a window inside me for anyone who may be interested to look into, and make your own decision.
Well now that an hour has gone by I guess I'll stop here. Do with it what you will and I'll do with it what I must. I truly dread the days ahead because whether or not I am ready, some things are about to change, although I am not sure in what way. Things that I have and love have the potential to go away, but things that are killing me slowly inside also may be able to be shaken.
Either way... we press on.
Thanks for listening.
Well it's that time of the month for me again, where everything sucks and I feel just plain miserable for about a week. A joyous occasion to say the least. For those who aren't in the know this is my equivalency of male PMS. After 4 fucking years of this bullshit I would have thought this mindset would have gone by the wayside by now, but apparently old habits die hard... or maybe don't ever die. My good buddy Eric got the most of this over the past year and a half and still continues to be patient with me, and still a person I can talk to about anything.
So for those who may wonder or care, about the last week of every month into the first week of the next, I go through a period of withdrawal from people and things. My mind looks back on the month that has passed and takes stock of what (if anything) in my life has changed, and what positive impact (if any) said changes have had. Naturally when certain life aspects are found to have not changed, my mind simply begins dumping poisonous thoughts into my body and makes me a miserable prick for about a week, than all passes and I become my normal jovial self again. What many people around me don't actually realize is the front I put on in my day-to-day life. The shiny demeanor that everyone sees, the smiling face that always has a joke, or a funny quip to keep you smiling, is not all it seems on the inside. I feel as though I am in constant battle with myself, that I am my own worst enemy, and in many cases I am. I'm not crazy, or imbalanced or anything like that, so don't get the wrong idea, but as everyone knows I usually turn to music to express how I truly feel. Well this is what happens when I can't find a song, you get the outpouring of my soul. Well let's tip the pitcher a lil...
I never thought I would ever say this but I am really starting to miss working third shift. If the fucking hours and lifestyle changes didn't make me want to /wrist, I would more than gladly go back in a fucking heartbeat. I miss the guys, Mark, Eric, and Gerry and the bond of friendship I had with them all. No matter what was bothering me: physical pain, life troubles, chicks, home-life, stupid friends... they were always there to listen and offer some kind of advice. Eric usually just told me to do pushups, and that I was a pussy and suck it up LOL! But even that was comforting, it helped me see that somethings are trivial and not worth my attention. Gerry always had the "fatherly advice" and in a weird sort of way, I began to appreciate him and look at him as a sort of "second father". Then there was Mark, Mark always had the good advice mixed in with the bad and eccentric, and usually all his solutions revolved around either eating, spending money, getting laid or going to a bar or strip club. Then there was always the consumer electronics show... LMAO!!!!!! (inside joke). I really tend to despise everyone I work with on 1st shift. There are some diamonds in the rough don't get me wrong, but I could do without most of them as a whole.
As previously mentioned the job situation is at a fucking stall right now. I'm still lumping pills around taking orders from people who wouldn't know their ass from their elbow, and would lose in a fight against a paper bag... I swear to God if this is how 6 years of College spits you out, I think I should consider dropping out, because I NEVER want to end up like half of these people. Professional defenestration everyday is looking more and more appealing as a career move. (defenestration is the act of being thrown out of a window). Work for me is tied with school. Am I getting close, yes. Am I there yet, fuck no. 3 more classes is all I need and then RIH was all just a bad dream... I'm not sure if I would have survived @ Keystone especially now that they have gone through 2.. count em 2 mergers, but it would have been interesting to see where I would have ended up. Granted then I would have never met a great number of people in my life, and trust me, at this point that is both a blessing and a curse.
- Decisions -
I have to face the fact that I need to start making some hard decisions in the next few weeks, in the words of the emperor "about a great many things". I need to start taking steps to protect myself from people, situations, and things that are closing in all around me. I feel I am being setup... setup for a great falling down. As God as my witness I pray on everything that I am and that I believe in that I am wrong, but I can't shake this fucking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am setting up for a downfall.
Right now on the internet radio I am listening the Beatles "Help!" is on.. lol the radio gods are smiling on me
right now.
I'm getting tired of looking for EVERYTHING I need out of this life. I just want to find peace.. find happiness.. find compassion.. I know what some of you are thinking.. how can you expect to make someone else happy if you are not happy with yourself! Good point I say to that, however those who ask that question don't truly know me for shit. So if you asked that, you can feel free to stop reading. Go ahead.. I'll give you a minute...
... dum de dum
Ok, for those who stayed, grats! Those who truly know me should know that I am a very tender and giving person. I have lots of compassion and feelings that I need to SHARE with another person. If I don't have a proper receptacle for all of my tenderness and soft feelings... it stays bottled up and locked deep down, and shadowed by anger, bitterness and spitefulness. Does it make me a bad person..? I don't think so. Does it make me self-defeating...? That is more accurate.
So where is this all going you may be asking. How are you going to fix all of this? Well the answer is... I don't know. If I had an easy solution to all of my troubles I would have used it by now, trust me, but as we all know life is never easy. So this is about where I need to place a disclaimer.. please everyone who may comment and provide feedback (which I welcome by the way...) Please spare me your fucking euphemisms on life.. I don't need any of this "it's always darkest before and dawn, there are plenty of fish in the sea" bullshit (great family guy reference there if anyone got it). I KNOW things could always be worse, I KNOW there are people out there that have it much worse off then me, I know all about the starving kids in China and all that stuff, but remember this is a journal about MY LIFE, as in the one that I am living, so this is where I get to reflect on how MY life is and what is upsetting to me about MY life. I'm not looking to any of you to solve my problems for me... I am simply providing a window inside me for anyone who may be interested to look into, and make your own decision.
Well now that an hour has gone by I guess I'll stop here. Do with it what you will and I'll do with it what I must. I truly dread the days ahead because whether or not I am ready, some things are about to change, although I am not sure in what way. Things that I have and love have the potential to go away, but things that are killing me slowly inside also may be able to be shaken.
Either way... we press on.
Thanks for listening.