How long will I look outside the window wondering if you'll show up? To a home you've never been to. I can see you smiling with your hair blowing back as you run to kiss me. The soundtrack to our life in my head. You should see your beautiful smile. It's made of the sun, so bright. Your lips like sugar; sweet. I can feel your warmth as you hold me and I cry into the broken-in denim of your jacket. This is all part of a narrative I play out in my head when my heart aches and pumps blood at different intervals.
I want to live in a world void of love if I can't have you. Tear it out of me. Make me cold. Lock and key.
I can feel the last time you held my face in your hands. I felt so small. I laid in the crook of your shoulder all night while you watched TV. Time is cruel, and painful. Little fragments of moments that mean so much. Bleeding me out whenever the mood strikes.
The next morning I was up early. I watched you sleep. Whenever you sleep you cross your arms, because you're used to sleeping alone. Any night we spent together I would crush my body up against yours and pretend I was cold just to be as close as possible. I closed my eyes and listened to you breathe. Part of me wondering if this would be the last time I'd ever see you.
I miss your voice. I wish I could hear it vibrating off the walls. I wish you could pick up the phone and just say, "Hello." You could say, "I hate you." You could just breathe into the other end of the line and I would close my eyes and get high off the steadiness. Forever grateful if you breathe longer than me.
Why can't I fall for myself the way I trip, stumble and crash onto the sidewalk making my knees bloody for you?
Your pure, shining, untamed love. Just hiding underneath the surface. Set yourself free.
Because I can't set myself free. I will wait. I will ruin everything about myself any other person could love, because I'm a monster. Because I have no self control. Because my impulsive nature won't allow it.
Because I am hell in a pretty package waiting to burn.