What do you do when the person that is most important to you fucks up so badly that there's just no going home...? I'm dealing with a lot of stuff lately and I guess I better make the best of the situation in order to save my sanity.
I just don't understand how he could do it. How he could betray the trust and love in our life. I don't know why 'our' children didn't cross his mind. I don't know why he didn't consider how much it would hurt us. Like usual, the details aren't going to be discussed here... I just can't revamp it right now and I won't put my life under the public microscope... not even in a forum of mostly strangers.
I just have to get back to that point where my life was just that, mine, and I knew my limits and my levels of control. I have two friends helping me with this... unlikely people, but anyhow...
Drew... and Michael.
It's surreal to think that my abusive asshole of an ex, Mikey, would be an understanding and compassionate person to discuss my feelings with. But he knows hurt and he knows misery, so he's been a lot more objective than anyone else. He's pointed out that we're family because of my son and that he's changed. I've watched the changes, so it's not just his word that I'm taking. He realizes that he was wrong so many years ago, and he's working on forging a relationship with his son... which is all that I will ever ask of him. But, despite everything, he still cares about me and wants to help me through this.
Drew is a bit less objective, as usual, but he's still not pushing me or making any requests of my time. He's simply there for me, which feels good. It makes things easier to deal with, just knowing that someone will be there to help calm my nerves. He doesn't ask for details or damn me for still loving Duke. And Drew is still in love with me. And I know that making him watch me pine over another man has to be difficult. But, he's insisting that I need my friends and I need the occasional shoulder to cry or lean on... He's being my best friend and he's watching me self-destruct, while trying to make me realize that I shouldn't feel guilty.
I'm hurting so badly right now and the only people that I can count on to tell me the absolute and unabridged truth are the least likely people in the world.
Everyone else in the so-called crowd is blowing the entire situation out of proportion. I've not done anything underhanded or that I should regret or feel shame about. I never lied or cheated or went back on my word to Duke. I think his coworkers and friends just don't realize that Duke and I have talked about a lot of things, most of which don't concern them, and come to an agreement. I didn't break up with Duke with the intention of starting a new relationship with Drew, or anyone else for that matter. I asked for some time off because I needed to work on my own life and my health.... and I finally ended things because I learned a lot of hidden truths and the stress and hurt of that knowledge has been killing me from the inside.
So apparently Duke and I are friends now.
I hate that word right now. I hate feeling alone. I hate knowing that I was lied to, but that it was done out of fear that I would abandon him. I hate that I still love him at times, but that's beyond my scope of control. Most of all, I hate having to force myself to be a mere friend to the person that I wanted to spend my life with... that I wanted to raise my children with... that I planned on marrying and making a bright future with. The feeling of failure is weighing on my conscience far too much... and I didn't do anything to warrant that guilt. I don't want to move on, but I have to. And I have to move on without the one person that I knew would never leave me, or cheat on me, or hurt me. But he has hurt me... and himself.. and there's just no going back to thinking that life is quite so sweet.
I want the very best for Duke. I want him to succeed and have a positive and fulfilling life. I may not be with him in a relationship, but I will support him with rebuilding himself and finding a place where he can be content and well adjusted. I'm working on straightening out my own life currently, I know, but it's only human to want the best for those that you love, even when and if they screw up. I guess I have to find some of that strength that everyone thinks I have and use it, right? I had to force myself to be the villan and end a relationship that had so much promise and was based on a love so complete that I've never even heard of one better. So now I have to be my own hero and force myself to move on in my life... to hope that I can be a good and supportive friend to the man that I love, without crossing that line again.
I feel like screaming... and I have. I nearly snatched Duke from across the table and pummelled him the other day... I've cried, I've ranted, I've been reduced back to the point of being manic and suicidal in the course of a few days, but I've dragged myself back out of that hole because it's just ridiculous behavior for a career woman and mother of two. I just want to rage and spit and tear everything apart, but I can't and I won't. I can't lose whats left of my control.
Maybe the future for Duke and I isn't dead quite yet, but for now I have to close the book on that part of my life and make myself right. I only hope that he'll do the same, whether or not there's a life to be had between us. Like always, it takes time. Love was never a problem, and that fact has battered me to an intolerable point. I don't want to get my hopes up and say that everything will be candy canes and My Little Ponies... but I don't want to think that I wasted the past 18 months of my life for nil.
If your reading this, Duke, I do still love you and because of your personality, your true self, and your love, I always will... and I know that you love me. But to quote your own words, we're just two fucked up kids that found each other and fell in love.
Sometimes life just doesn't go as planned.
I just don't understand how he could do it. How he could betray the trust and love in our life. I don't know why 'our' children didn't cross his mind. I don't know why he didn't consider how much it would hurt us. Like usual, the details aren't going to be discussed here... I just can't revamp it right now and I won't put my life under the public microscope... not even in a forum of mostly strangers.
I just have to get back to that point where my life was just that, mine, and I knew my limits and my levels of control. I have two friends helping me with this... unlikely people, but anyhow...
Drew... and Michael.
It's surreal to think that my abusive asshole of an ex, Mikey, would be an understanding and compassionate person to discuss my feelings with. But he knows hurt and he knows misery, so he's been a lot more objective than anyone else. He's pointed out that we're family because of my son and that he's changed. I've watched the changes, so it's not just his word that I'm taking. He realizes that he was wrong so many years ago, and he's working on forging a relationship with his son... which is all that I will ever ask of him. But, despite everything, he still cares about me and wants to help me through this.
Drew is a bit less objective, as usual, but he's still not pushing me or making any requests of my time. He's simply there for me, which feels good. It makes things easier to deal with, just knowing that someone will be there to help calm my nerves. He doesn't ask for details or damn me for still loving Duke. And Drew is still in love with me. And I know that making him watch me pine over another man has to be difficult. But, he's insisting that I need my friends and I need the occasional shoulder to cry or lean on... He's being my best friend and he's watching me self-destruct, while trying to make me realize that I shouldn't feel guilty.
I'm hurting so badly right now and the only people that I can count on to tell me the absolute and unabridged truth are the least likely people in the world.
Everyone else in the so-called crowd is blowing the entire situation out of proportion. I've not done anything underhanded or that I should regret or feel shame about. I never lied or cheated or went back on my word to Duke. I think his coworkers and friends just don't realize that Duke and I have talked about a lot of things, most of which don't concern them, and come to an agreement. I didn't break up with Duke with the intention of starting a new relationship with Drew, or anyone else for that matter. I asked for some time off because I needed to work on my own life and my health.... and I finally ended things because I learned a lot of hidden truths and the stress and hurt of that knowledge has been killing me from the inside.
So apparently Duke and I are friends now.
I hate that word right now. I hate feeling alone. I hate knowing that I was lied to, but that it was done out of fear that I would abandon him. I hate that I still love him at times, but that's beyond my scope of control. Most of all, I hate having to force myself to be a mere friend to the person that I wanted to spend my life with... that I wanted to raise my children with... that I planned on marrying and making a bright future with. The feeling of failure is weighing on my conscience far too much... and I didn't do anything to warrant that guilt. I don't want to move on, but I have to. And I have to move on without the one person that I knew would never leave me, or cheat on me, or hurt me. But he has hurt me... and himself.. and there's just no going back to thinking that life is quite so sweet.
I want the very best for Duke. I want him to succeed and have a positive and fulfilling life. I may not be with him in a relationship, but I will support him with rebuilding himself and finding a place where he can be content and well adjusted. I'm working on straightening out my own life currently, I know, but it's only human to want the best for those that you love, even when and if they screw up. I guess I have to find some of that strength that everyone thinks I have and use it, right? I had to force myself to be the villan and end a relationship that had so much promise and was based on a love so complete that I've never even heard of one better. So now I have to be my own hero and force myself to move on in my life... to hope that I can be a good and supportive friend to the man that I love, without crossing that line again.
I feel like screaming... and I have. I nearly snatched Duke from across the table and pummelled him the other day... I've cried, I've ranted, I've been reduced back to the point of being manic and suicidal in the course of a few days, but I've dragged myself back out of that hole because it's just ridiculous behavior for a career woman and mother of two. I just want to rage and spit and tear everything apart, but I can't and I won't. I can't lose whats left of my control.
Maybe the future for Duke and I isn't dead quite yet, but for now I have to close the book on that part of my life and make myself right. I only hope that he'll do the same, whether or not there's a life to be had between us. Like always, it takes time. Love was never a problem, and that fact has battered me to an intolerable point. I don't want to get my hopes up and say that everything will be candy canes and My Little Ponies... but I don't want to think that I wasted the past 18 months of my life for nil.
If your reading this, Duke, I do still love you and because of your personality, your true self, and your love, I always will... and I know that you love me. But to quote your own words, we're just two fucked up kids that found each other and fell in love.
Sometimes life just doesn't go as planned.