Augusten Burroughs. Yep, THE Augusten Burroughs, one of my personal literary favorites, author of Sellivison, Running with Scissors, Dry, Magical Thinking, and Possible Side Effects did me the honor of signing all of those books, in that order on Tuesday night when I attended a book signing and reading of the wonderful Mr. Burroughs at Seven Stages Theater in Little Five Points. I was the third in line and the first to get him to sign all five novels. As I got to the front of the table I sprawled my books out in chronological order hoping he would notice, be happily stunned and appreciate my ability to timeline. But this however seemed to matter more to me than anything. I felt like I should have had something to say, something rehearsed, something prolific and astounding that would surely make me stand out from all the rest. Something, along the lines of, Mr. Burroughs, your books changed my life. When I read Dry for the first time I gave up the bottle. I cried when Pighead died. You made me want to be honest with myself and come forward and admit I had a problem. You helped me. But that would have all been crap, a pure and down right lie. Because how could I a 20 year old young heterosexual woman with a fairly normal childhood, two loving parents, and three years of higher education, no history of substance abuse under my belt other than maybe too much coffee relate to a reaching 40 year old gay man who is a recovering alcoholic with an elementary school drop-out education and a fucked up childhood and enough life experience to write 5, count em 5 books, one of is being made into a honest to goodness motion picture? Easy..Im neurotic. So as you can imagine upon our meeting I derailed, I blew my own brains out, I made a mockery of myself and I am sure to assume that I will never a part of the esteemed literary canon as punishment for being total and utter slug. The following is what I would have like to have said if in fact I was functioning correctly.
Augusten, I love you! You are amazing! I love the fact that you are completely neurotic and a little OCD, kinda like Howard Hughes, are you familiar with him? You have inspired me to take up heavy drinking and buy two bottles of Dewars Scotch every night and write a bestselling novel in 7 days in a drunken stupor. Do you recommend that I drink it from a glass or straight from the bottle? Because I feel you should drink it straight from the bottle, because I think drinking it from a glass would some how hinder the creative process. How many men do you actually think you have slept with? Ballpark figure. I work in a coffee shop! I totally wasnt thinking or I would have brought you a double espresso. I know that is your favorite because you mention numerous times throughout your writings. Hey! Um. Do you want to go have a cup of coffee? Ya know, after you are done with all this? Go over some of my journals and tell me if you think I have gotwell ya know.IT?
But no. Instead I stood there with a big dumb grin on my face, probably breathing heavily through my nose or something disgusting like that, acting like a 12 year old girl meeting Donny Osmond in 1970 for the first time. I sat my books down and he looked at me and smiled and said thank you for coming! And I then turned around and said thank you back. But I said it all huffy and exasperated like. The way I said thank you was totally obnoxious. I said thank you like the way you would say thank you to a 9/11 firefighter. Like, Thank you for doing a civic duty for a life-risking job that was until now previously pretty much overlooked. Nobody else would have ran into that burning building, but you did..YOU did! *tear* And I want to thank you for that. You must have been through so muchIuhohOH! Poor thing, can I hug you?
After much analyzing of the moment over and over again in my head I realize that my thank you may have been a little over the top. At this point the revolver was in my mouth but trigger was waiting to be pulled at exactly the right moment. That moment came after a stint of awkward silence when I am pretty sure that Augusten was running through his head, Sign faster, sign faster! This girl is a complete freak, she makes Jeffery Dohmer look like a boy scout. Oh and of course this Broad had to bring ALLLL five books, selfish little bitch.
Instead he said, So ,uh do you live here?
This is when the monkey in me came out and I suddenly forgot the logic of forming words together in sentence to convey emotions, thoughts, or ideas.
I , uh, um, yeah, no. I mean yes I live here. Well not in Atlanta directly. I am from Ohio, but I live herenow that is.
Augusten: Oh I love it here.
Ape-like creature scratching pits and dancing around the table flinging poo at book lovers: Oh me, er yeah me too. I would never move back to Ohio, never.
Augusten: Ohhh. (saying oh like there was a question mark at the end) Well thanks!
Ape: Yeah, thanks.
End Scene. Yeah folks thats pretty much how it went. Sad, but true. But now I have in my possession a full set of Augusten Burroughs signed books, and one day they will be worth a lot of money, do you wanna know why? Ok this is what I foresee it happening in the near future, and quite frankly it upsets me. The fall of 2006..this coming fall, Running with Scissors is going to be released into a movie. Oh a bunch of big name stars will be present, Gwyneth Paltrow, Alec Baldwin, Annette Benning, and so forth. After the movie is released there will be a rise in book sells and probably special displays and promotions at bookstores nationwide. Ya know regular ole headline news. And no doubt there will be a GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGPIECEOFSHIT Operah special on Augusten and the movie. That WILL happen, I have no fucking doubt in my mind. Suddenly everybody will be reading his books, because he is New and because America is a bitch for Operah. And I will HATE them. I will see these people and want to rip there eyes out so they cant read. Oh have you heard of Augusten Burroughs, he is absolutely wonderful, he writes moving novels that really rip at your heart strings. No asshole, he is a guy who writes about fucking other guys. He isnt writing to get people to stop drinking, he is writing to write about himself for himself. Thats it, thats all there is. Sorry thats not glamorous enough for you. The reason I hate them is because they were not there from the start. Oh yeah sure maybe you passed the book on the shelf a couple of times and saw it, but did you really SEE it? Its like a Dad who takes off when his kid is 3 and then suddenly comes back at age 18 wanting to toss the ole pigskin in the backyard and makeup for lost birthdays. Intellectual Freeloaders, thats what you are. I am sure that Augusten will love this however. He wants his book sales to rise, I mean I guess who wouldnt? He wants to be famous. But I like my authors to have greatness but only with mediocre fame. I dont like mainstream, because mainstream means people and I dont like a majority of people. It is hard to avoid, I know, but hey I try. Why cant he just have a cult following? They will ruin him and his books will be placed in the hands of those unworthy of his words. I will be saddened and distraught, and maybe even become completely apathetic to Augusten Burroughs all together. Then like some Jonathan Updikes, sell all of his signed books on the internet for a bundle of money. Shit, I really dont want this to happen. My only hopes are that the movie flops.
Augusten, I love you! You are amazing! I love the fact that you are completely neurotic and a little OCD, kinda like Howard Hughes, are you familiar with him? You have inspired me to take up heavy drinking and buy two bottles of Dewars Scotch every night and write a bestselling novel in 7 days in a drunken stupor. Do you recommend that I drink it from a glass or straight from the bottle? Because I feel you should drink it straight from the bottle, because I think drinking it from a glass would some how hinder the creative process. How many men do you actually think you have slept with? Ballpark figure. I work in a coffee shop! I totally wasnt thinking or I would have brought you a double espresso. I know that is your favorite because you mention numerous times throughout your writings. Hey! Um. Do you want to go have a cup of coffee? Ya know, after you are done with all this? Go over some of my journals and tell me if you think I have gotwell ya know.IT?
But no. Instead I stood there with a big dumb grin on my face, probably breathing heavily through my nose or something disgusting like that, acting like a 12 year old girl meeting Donny Osmond in 1970 for the first time. I sat my books down and he looked at me and smiled and said thank you for coming! And I then turned around and said thank you back. But I said it all huffy and exasperated like. The way I said thank you was totally obnoxious. I said thank you like the way you would say thank you to a 9/11 firefighter. Like, Thank you for doing a civic duty for a life-risking job that was until now previously pretty much overlooked. Nobody else would have ran into that burning building, but you did..YOU did! *tear* And I want to thank you for that. You must have been through so muchIuhohOH! Poor thing, can I hug you?
After much analyzing of the moment over and over again in my head I realize that my thank you may have been a little over the top. At this point the revolver was in my mouth but trigger was waiting to be pulled at exactly the right moment. That moment came after a stint of awkward silence when I am pretty sure that Augusten was running through his head, Sign faster, sign faster! This girl is a complete freak, she makes Jeffery Dohmer look like a boy scout. Oh and of course this Broad had to bring ALLLL five books, selfish little bitch.
Instead he said, So ,uh do you live here?
This is when the monkey in me came out and I suddenly forgot the logic of forming words together in sentence to convey emotions, thoughts, or ideas.
I , uh, um, yeah, no. I mean yes I live here. Well not in Atlanta directly. I am from Ohio, but I live herenow that is.
Augusten: Oh I love it here.
Ape-like creature scratching pits and dancing around the table flinging poo at book lovers: Oh me, er yeah me too. I would never move back to Ohio, never.
Augusten: Ohhh. (saying oh like there was a question mark at the end) Well thanks!
Ape: Yeah, thanks.
End Scene. Yeah folks thats pretty much how it went. Sad, but true. But now I have in my possession a full set of Augusten Burroughs signed books, and one day they will be worth a lot of money, do you wanna know why? Ok this is what I foresee it happening in the near future, and quite frankly it upsets me. The fall of 2006..this coming fall, Running with Scissors is going to be released into a movie. Oh a bunch of big name stars will be present, Gwyneth Paltrow, Alec Baldwin, Annette Benning, and so forth. After the movie is released there will be a rise in book sells and probably special displays and promotions at bookstores nationwide. Ya know regular ole headline news. And no doubt there will be a GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGPIECEOFSHIT Operah special on Augusten and the movie. That WILL happen, I have no fucking doubt in my mind. Suddenly everybody will be reading his books, because he is New and because America is a bitch for Operah. And I will HATE them. I will see these people and want to rip there eyes out so they cant read. Oh have you heard of Augusten Burroughs, he is absolutely wonderful, he writes moving novels that really rip at your heart strings. No asshole, he is a guy who writes about fucking other guys. He isnt writing to get people to stop drinking, he is writing to write about himself for himself. Thats it, thats all there is. Sorry thats not glamorous enough for you. The reason I hate them is because they were not there from the start. Oh yeah sure maybe you passed the book on the shelf a couple of times and saw it, but did you really SEE it? Its like a Dad who takes off when his kid is 3 and then suddenly comes back at age 18 wanting to toss the ole pigskin in the backyard and makeup for lost birthdays. Intellectual Freeloaders, thats what you are. I am sure that Augusten will love this however. He wants his book sales to rise, I mean I guess who wouldnt? He wants to be famous. But I like my authors to have greatness but only with mediocre fame. I dont like mainstream, because mainstream means people and I dont like a majority of people. It is hard to avoid, I know, but hey I try. Why cant he just have a cult following? They will ruin him and his books will be placed in the hands of those unworthy of his words. I will be saddened and distraught, and maybe even become completely apathetic to Augusten Burroughs all together. Then like some Jonathan Updikes, sell all of his signed books on the internet for a bundle of money. Shit, I really dont want this to happen. My only hopes are that the movie flops.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
I'm buying one of his books today.