Disclaimer: I'm kinda drunk...
Today I realized what life is...but to explain that, I'll have to go a few days back...
I was at the bar with my friend Matt (the brother I never had, that I'll always have. He is the guy in my profile picture on the left.) and we bumped into our friend Aaron. He is a guy that I've known thorough high school, always been cool with, but never really been much of a close friend. Aaron told Matt and I that he was feeling down, he just broke up with his girlfriend. He showed us cuts that he had been doing on himself, and was very jealous of his girlfriend who was hanging out with other guys at the bar, playing pool. Purely to make him jealous, how many girls can be at times... ...We told him, "Dude, plenty more fish in the sea, you gotta move past it." and that was about it. We went off on our merry way and played some pool, then took off to go chill on our own at my place. The next day Matt calls me while I'm at work to tell me shocking news...Aaron killed himself...
Not to take any blame, or say that what he did was the right thing to do...but in his time of need, he reached out to me...and I didn't fucking respond. I know myself, and I am a genuine person, and I offered him nothing. If I could go back I would have least let him know that he was special and that nothing is worth the loss of what the future will bring. I realized that in order to be who I want to be, I need to be a genuine person and have no shame in what I am, and have to offer.
Tonight I was out at the bar getting drunk off my ass. It was the day of the funeral and everyone from my high school was there that I remembered, and even the ones I really wished I didn't remember... ...anyway...I saw my friends that I've known since 3rd grade and have always been friendly to me, even when I was a sweat pants wearing nerd... ...they were about to walk home and I offerd them a ride. So, I drove them home (being only a few blocks away from where I lived) and before I dropped them off...I told them I had a realization about life....
I told them about what I had experienced with Aaron and that I felt like what I need to do is tell the people who I really cared about, that I felt they were genuine people, and that I loved them... When I told them, since I really meant it...I cried...Being a little drunk themselves, they told me the same, and we criend on eachother's shoulders. There was this one bastardly dude with them who said to me, "Dude, it's cool, you're fine...don't cry. Be a man about it." FUCK HIM! I told him that I think crying is beautiful and if he doesn't understand that...he isn't on my level. Truely I was crying because I was really proud of myself for not being afraid to step off the robotic path and maybe make them smile and feel comforted. I told them that in their lowest state of mind they could imagine themselves in, that they don't have to worry because Paul loves them, and that should be enough to keep going in any circumstance. They may have thought that I was some crazy drunken bastard, but I really meant what I said. And even though they were never the closest of friends to me...if they died...I at least want them to know I love them...
My realization about life is to be a genuine person, to listen to your Jiminey Cricket, and to break out of the robotic, repiticous march that life can easily become...
So if you're in the room with someone right now that you really care about...tell them you love them. Or if you are hiding your feelings from someone because you're ashamed of yourself, or your petty imperfections...just think of that one scene from Vanilla Sky where the two main characters are drawing pictures of eachother. Two lovers. And the guy shows his first, it's a very detailed, flattering image of her eyes masked by her hair. He knows she's the most beautiful person that he's ever seen and his facination with her enchants him in a way that other girls never have before. She becomes embarresed of her picture and struggles to get out of revealing her sketch. Once it's revealed he is shocked because it is a cartooney sketch of him with money in hands and a big plastic smile. Which truely depicted his character...He talks about how he has changed and she asks him when...he responds..."About 5 minutes ago." I really think that's what life is: A series of discoveries that slowly shape who you are, or who you let yourself become... So...rock it if want it!
Sorry for the drunken rant...hopefully someone will get something out of this...
Today I realized what life is...but to explain that, I'll have to go a few days back...
I was at the bar with my friend Matt (the brother I never had, that I'll always have. He is the guy in my profile picture on the left.) and we bumped into our friend Aaron. He is a guy that I've known thorough high school, always been cool with, but never really been much of a close friend. Aaron told Matt and I that he was feeling down, he just broke up with his girlfriend. He showed us cuts that he had been doing on himself, and was very jealous of his girlfriend who was hanging out with other guys at the bar, playing pool. Purely to make him jealous, how many girls can be at times... ...We told him, "Dude, plenty more fish in the sea, you gotta move past it." and that was about it. We went off on our merry way and played some pool, then took off to go chill on our own at my place. The next day Matt calls me while I'm at work to tell me shocking news...Aaron killed himself...
Not to take any blame, or say that what he did was the right thing to do...but in his time of need, he reached out to me...and I didn't fucking respond. I know myself, and I am a genuine person, and I offered him nothing. If I could go back I would have least let him know that he was special and that nothing is worth the loss of what the future will bring. I realized that in order to be who I want to be, I need to be a genuine person and have no shame in what I am, and have to offer.
Tonight I was out at the bar getting drunk off my ass. It was the day of the funeral and everyone from my high school was there that I remembered, and even the ones I really wished I didn't remember... ...anyway...I saw my friends that I've known since 3rd grade and have always been friendly to me, even when I was a sweat pants wearing nerd... ...they were about to walk home and I offerd them a ride. So, I drove them home (being only a few blocks away from where I lived) and before I dropped them off...I told them I had a realization about life....
I told them about what I had experienced with Aaron and that I felt like what I need to do is tell the people who I really cared about, that I felt they were genuine people, and that I loved them... When I told them, since I really meant it...I cried...Being a little drunk themselves, they told me the same, and we criend on eachother's shoulders. There was this one bastardly dude with them who said to me, "Dude, it's cool, you're fine...don't cry. Be a man about it." FUCK HIM! I told him that I think crying is beautiful and if he doesn't understand that...he isn't on my level. Truely I was crying because I was really proud of myself for not being afraid to step off the robotic path and maybe make them smile and feel comforted. I told them that in their lowest state of mind they could imagine themselves in, that they don't have to worry because Paul loves them, and that should be enough to keep going in any circumstance. They may have thought that I was some crazy drunken bastard, but I really meant what I said. And even though they were never the closest of friends to me...if they died...I at least want them to know I love them...
My realization about life is to be a genuine person, to listen to your Jiminey Cricket, and to break out of the robotic, repiticous march that life can easily become...
So if you're in the room with someone right now that you really care about...tell them you love them. Or if you are hiding your feelings from someone because you're ashamed of yourself, or your petty imperfections...just think of that one scene from Vanilla Sky where the two main characters are drawing pictures of eachother. Two lovers. And the guy shows his first, it's a very detailed, flattering image of her eyes masked by her hair. He knows she's the most beautiful person that he's ever seen and his facination with her enchants him in a way that other girls never have before. She becomes embarresed of her picture and struggles to get out of revealing her sketch. Once it's revealed he is shocked because it is a cartooney sketch of him with money in hands and a big plastic smile. Which truely depicted his character...He talks about how he has changed and she asks him when...he responds..."About 5 minutes ago." I really think that's what life is: A series of discoveries that slowly shape who you are, or who you let yourself become... So...rock it if want it!
Sorry for the drunken rant...hopefully someone will get something out of this...
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
mowskviz:
Paul, you are one of my most genuine friends. Love ya man!!
mowskviz:
Sorry man, it was the easy pick-up becuase i was in the night before. I didn't wanna have to call around a bunch to find someone.