tenpercentme

Visits to the doctor, eating stuff that is not shit, keeping up with all my bills - this is the tough shit for me. Its hard to be cool and/or creative and do all that responsible stuff. I like the idea of being responsible AND being irresponsible. I want to be both.

Responsible in matters of labor.

Irresponsible in matters of love.

And vice versa....
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When I get hurt, I go up here. In my head. I know so many people who stay with their hurt, and so many others who do exactly what I do... think whatever thoughts they can to soothe the wound. Take on a perspective that explains why this hurt is happening. But it doesn't change the hurt. It just means you don't live there.

I...
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I use labels to help myself make transitions. I become curious about mystics, or poets, or revolutionaries, or free thinkers, or filmmakers...

and then I study them...

and then later, I look back, and wonder what I learned.

I don't know how to play any instruments. I have nothing. My voice has no interesting timbre. I have a good brain. Decent writing skils, though I don't really consider myself a writer because I only write when I feel it. The idea of BEING a writer to me implies some discipline, and that means writing even when you don't want to, and being good...
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How come I don't care anymore?

It is nice to ocassionally be reminded of why there are more important things than appointments and personal projects.

Unstable planes landing in small out of the way airports is guaranteed to refocus you on why life is really valuable.

Do you know me?

My own definition of despondancy:

A vague sense of something being wrong, and a strong feeling of being unable to fix it.

Life is not on a scale of value.

Humans have set up a scale of value. Each of us has set up our own individual scales of value.

But beneath all of our creations, there is the truth of an existence that we did not create, and cannot create.

I wonder what a math major would think about my terminology...

TenPercentMe because I don't feel like I live the life of a suicide boy. I have no piercings. No tattoos. My girlfriend has dreads and multiple piercings but... still my life.

I feel like SG is a culture. I am not living in the culture, but a small part of the culture lives in me.

Alone, morning.

I don't speak too much to the people I know.

I turn to you instead, and ask you to hear me.

I want you to know:

I never want to take anything for granted. I don't want you to know my comfortable self. I want you to know the self I am pushing... and pushing. To the next level. But I can't always push. I am tired. I cannot make the decision. I cannot make this choice. I have been pampered by women too much in...
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