shelbs22

I am waking up in a tither. Usually already mad at the world and all flustered. This is what greets me as I rise from bed. Then it falls back in on itself and I get mad for being mad. The rest of the morning is spent feeling lonely-alienated from myself- and trying to figure out how to get out of the hell I'm in....
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modeling tonight ...a little nervous since I have not modeled much since the bike accident. And me---being the type A personality that I am- have already choreographed the moves and they are difficult. Why do I put myself through the ringer?? hope you all are doing well...

o.k. I am an art figure model and am hairy..I have shaved my body hair off--all of it- many times. I have a gig in less than a week and it has grown back...how many think I should shave it off or keep it?? I am sort of lost. I want my figure to be seen clearly yet I want the manly hair...Hmmm what do...
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tears...tears..tears...the love that was...the love that isn't...the abuse that is present..the love that is longed for all bring------ tears...tears....tears...

I have decided to let go of a lot...Let go of pursuing woman, let go of hating myself for being a nude model, let go of hating my life in general....just let it go and accept with gratitude the joy of being alive, human, and able to choose to leave behind habits that only serve to hurt my self and others.

Sometimes out of the blue I start crying, feeling hurt and pain that seeps through when I am not aware. I could be anywhere, like soup boiling over they come out pf my pot of pain So many thoughts-like trying to hide them, or giving into them, or stuffing them--but after I feel the pain,and the the tears-- I feel better and more whole...

Starting to teach Yoga is mind blowing..so much to know..so much to understand and incorporate into a way of life. But I love it!! Remember to practice self love and compassion for your selves. It is so easy to judge our selves harshly, or berate our abilities. It all starts with the act of embracing your self ,holding your self with love, and move out...
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i'm sort of down..needing a lift..anyone care to help me?? Need some emotional support...thanks

i'm sort of down..needing a lift..anyone care to help me?? Need some emotional support...thanks

Feel like a cast off shadow that no one wants to claim anymore..

I used to be worn by elegant woman to make sharp contrast to their pale, soft skin-

I was the dark outline of their eye shadow..

The abyss of their luscious mouths that lovers reached into with their lips and tongues-

But now I am the darkness in the corner that everyone...
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Today was awesome-

tonight is all tired...

muscles recoiling from ballet and yoga and biking in the cold snow.

looking for completion on the computer screen,

I bow in submission to the blinding light of the web-

finally I come back to who I am--

and turn it off and find my hollow self.

where do I go from here??

to bed, to food, to...
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well I already said it. I do not like being needy, wanting attention, and pulling on people's emotional heart strings. A friend of mine said she feels bad about not being able to be there for me. I understand her and I know she really does want to help. I do not want people to view me as weak and in need of their help...
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