My insecurities: long blog

6

This is a painful subject for me to fully talk about. But I suppose I should get this out into the light and burn the shadows away. @earitibble posed a question about insecurities and it has been something that I had thought about for a long long time, and I thank her for helping me find the courage to let this out.

One if my deep insecurities is that I don't feel like I am worthy of the affection or attention of anyone. And I don't say that with the need of a sympathy compliment or to garner any sort of praise. I have had some people tell me that I am attractive, good looking, even "hot". But actions and words relay conflicting things and I always take complimentary words with a grain of salt v cause I don't see it. At all.

I hate seeing myself whether it being in a photo or a mirror. I don't post many pictures of myself because I hate the way I look. And deeply, I hate myself in many ways. Some have said that I have beautiful eyes, kissable lips, a great body, a fantastic ass... And I can't see any of it.

When I look at myself in a mirror or a photo, I see the fractured man who struggles simply to get up every morning. I see a man with a kind of diabetes that as my GP put it, would have killed anyone else. I see the one eye almost blind because of a cataract that I can't afford to fix. I see a smile that hides shattered teeth now replaced with dentures. I see a body frail because if gastrol parysis (?) At my best I was 205, but I still see me hospital ridden at 115 because I can't keep food or water down for the last 15 days.

I see the look on a woman's face because of the impotence from my diabetes. No matter if I had talked about it at length before, the deep frustration and pain asking me "us it something I gave done? Are you not attracted to me?" How do you respond to that?

I see a man who doesn't know how to relax or shut down. My last vacation was taken over 10 years ago, and even then I almost found myself with a job. I have worked 60 hour weeks since I was 17, sometimes with 3 jobs because I don't know how to shut down.

I am who I a here because I truly believe in the people whom I connect to. I truly want to see people rise and soar. I don't leave to comments or mail that I do because I think I have any shot to woo anyone. I have a deep love and respect for so many here, models, hopefuls, and members alike. I have named them off over and over again because I feel like I rise about who I am when they shine. But I know, that even in the best, perfect of circumstances, if any of those whom I appreciate were to think of me in any way outside of being a supportive friend, I would never be good enough nor be good for them.

And I hate myself for knowing that.

No matter how much I give, no matter how sincere I can be, no matter how much if me I give away ( and I would give myself entirely) I can't see what some see in me.

We all have some insecurities that grip our hearts or hold us as we try and free ourselves if these emotional shackles. But these are mine. I sincerely hope that you are not weighed down with as many as I do.

But if you want help, need an ear, want support, I am here to give it. Thank you if you came this far down the rabbit hole

VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
medeskifan:
Came across this randomly, and wanted to let you know it hit a nerve, and I can relate on a lot of levels. Thank you for sharing, and know you're not alone "on the dude side" with some of these things.
gadget:
I can relate to a lot of these insecurities and from what I've been learning lately it comes from our childhoods, that feeling of unworthiness. You're not alone my friend. I imagine a large majority of folks on this site are here trying to abate such insecurities too, some more secretly than others. My partner tells me everyday, multiple times how pretty I am. I still don't think so. Even after years as a model, but if you boil it down? What does being attractive really matter? That's kind of where I'm at these days. I know I'm worthy of some things. That I have skills and maybe even talent. So why not focus on that instead? We all suffer from paranoia. All of that aside, I wish women were better able to deal with ED, but again it goes back to insecurity. Do you hear what you quote them as saying? Clearly all based in insecurity. You ask how do you respond to that? It's likely in the same way you wish they'd respond to you. With love and empathy. An open dialogue where both parties have taken a deep breath and know it's nothing personal... How frustrated would they be if they wanted to connect with a person and their body wouldn't let them? It's such a shame that most folks can't take a breath and put their own shit aside for a moment and consider such things. People have a lot of baggage when it comes to being 'pretty enough'. It's such a shame. I wish folks would worry more about not evolving and growing enough instead. The thing that makes a person the most attractive in my experience is health and happiness. We have to put aside whatever doesn't serve those two things (and I know health in a country without socialized medicine is a luxury most of us don't have). The internet (social media in particular) aren't the best for supporting those two 'H's... which, I've already been on here way too much the last two days. So, I'ma dive back into the hoard I've stockpiled from the local library. Much love to you. <3

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