i think my time here on this site is coming to a close.
it's raining here today, and for the first time in months, and i mean like 5 or 6 months... i've had access to the internet from home.
I can't say i have been bursting with energy today, and i've just spent about 5 hours here on this site going back through time and trying to figure out how it got to this.
It wasn't pleasant going through a lot of the old stuff, but i noticed how somewhere in the early bit, or near the middle, i sounded kinda upbeat in a way that i just can't comprehend anymore.
It's dawned on me that these last few years has pretty much been a slow decent into insanity. Interesting case study to watch, i suppose, if you're into that sorta thing.
End result: i don't know, but it's not just a "oh i don't feel great this week" sorta thing. No, I've been pretty much fucked for months. Not to sound all emo or whiny or "whoa is me" but honest truth is that i don't feel much anymore.
I'm not sad, or happy, i don't really phone anybody and they've long since given up on phoning me, considering i'll either not return their call or simply say no to whatever social event it was they were suggesting.
The part that freaks me out the most, is that i don't really care too much about it. i simply recognize that "living" my life like this is probably not a very good sign, and that's about as far as the thoughts go.
pretty broken, i'd say.
it's raining here today, and for the first time in months, and i mean like 5 or 6 months... i've had access to the internet from home.
I can't say i have been bursting with energy today, and i've just spent about 5 hours here on this site going back through time and trying to figure out how it got to this.
It wasn't pleasant going through a lot of the old stuff, but i noticed how somewhere in the early bit, or near the middle, i sounded kinda upbeat in a way that i just can't comprehend anymore.
It's dawned on me that these last few years has pretty much been a slow decent into insanity. Interesting case study to watch, i suppose, if you're into that sorta thing.
End result: i don't know, but it's not just a "oh i don't feel great this week" sorta thing. No, I've been pretty much fucked for months. Not to sound all emo or whiny or "whoa is me" but honest truth is that i don't feel much anymore.
I'm not sad, or happy, i don't really phone anybody and they've long since given up on phoning me, considering i'll either not return their call or simply say no to whatever social event it was they were suggesting.
The part that freaks me out the most, is that i don't really care too much about it. i simply recognize that "living" my life like this is probably not a very good sign, and that's about as far as the thoughts go.
pretty broken, i'd say.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
I can relate to a lot of what you say here. There was a time when you were doing more living, and that time will come again.
Question is - how to get through things as they are now......I know your grandma died, maybe that has something to do with it? In addition to the slow decent, as you put it, her death maybe was a catalyst for a lot of old feelings on top of what you were already struggling with. Which would include the death of your dear Morgan. I'm completely guessing here, but those are some pretty major losses....
I would not like to see your name gone from my friends list, but I can understand feeling like this place isn't of much use right now.
I hope things get better sooner rather than later. Take the best care of yourself that you can, whatever way you can. Email me to vent if you want to.