here's a chapter from this 50s hard-boiled detective novel I'm writing:
A Night in the Orchard
My need for sleep was disturbed by a blitzkrieg of crickets and Mrs. Vanderspoons cooking turning over in my gut like a thousand maggots writhing inside the carcass of a wild boar. There was no clock in the room. The T.V. downstairs was silent, so it must have been after midnight. About the time the worms had made off with most of the carcass, leaving just the head and some nice fatback I heard something from outside. One of the cows was mooing. Even as a city boy I knew that cows didnt moo at night. They were too busy sleeping so they could turn all that grass into milk. Then the door to my room slowly opened. I reached for my piece. Then stopped. Barney was standing in the doorway fully dressed but for his jacket. He came in silently. You hear that?
Yeah. Thing sounds like its in pain.
Wanna check it out?
Why not, Nothing else to do. I dressed quickly but boxers, shoes and sport coat were all I could find.
Nice look, sweetie. Lets just stay here and cuddle. Barn grinned and we made our way downstairs and outside.
We followed the mooing to the field behind the barn. The field was fenced in on three sides, but the West end was protected by buckthorn to keep the cows from wandering through the orchard. A haze of cloud hid the night sky. We marked a black shadowed form about 100 yards from where we crouched.
Should we get closer? The night was strangely cold and I could almost see my breath.
Why not. Nothing else to do.
We were over the fence and belly-crawling slowly to not be seen.
Um, Barn. This is a cow field isnt it.
Tell me about it. He said holding up a hand encased in dung. We crawled on.
I was just about to navigate around a big lump of shit when Barney reached over and tapped my shoulder.
Is that what I think it is? He whispered. We were maybe 50 yards away from it now.
Jeeze Louise. I let out in a cold cloud of air.
50 yards from us was a cow facing North. Facing the same way as the cow was Franklin. He was in an undershirt, but naked from the waist down. His pale, fat, hairy ass was slowly thrusting in and out of the animal.
Look at its feet. Barn said.
Franklins?
No. Franklins date.
The cows hind quarters were secured in the holes and shackles Barn had seen earlier.
Franklin loves animals Barney said mimicking Mrs. Vanderspoon earlier.
Franklin was moving faster now, really giving it to Bessie. Then he made a long, slow, sick orgasmic moan over the mooing of the cow.
Aw. Aint that sweet? Barn said.
But I couldnt respond. The combination of the dinner, the smell of shit and Franklins clandestine rendezvous was making me sick.
Uh, Barn I got it out before I vomited violently.
Franklin pulled out of the cow and fumbled on the ground for his pants. We took off for the buckthorn. Wed just reached the first flank of the stuff as we heard the unmistakable click of a switch-blade. We stopped for breath. Franklin stood staring in our direction.
Theres a good chance hes higher than the Canadian Rockies. We could take him. Barney said.
Yeah. I said, But then wed have to get close to him.
Point taken.
Franklin had pinpointed our direction and began hulking towards us. Even in the dark I made out his maniac grin, his eyes rotating like a desert lizard. Something else, too. He hadnt put his pants on. We retreated further into the wall of trees. For several stands theyd been cut neatly and we could navigate without a problem. We stayed together as long as we could, but the trees started getting thicker, poking us in the face and arms.
We better split up. Well meet in the orchard. I said
Dont sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me, sweetie. Barney deadpanned and was gone.
As I made my way to the Orchard I could hear Franklin breathing heavy somewhere behind me. I made it through to the apple trees. I crouched behind one of them. Then I heard nothing but my own breathing. For the first time since we met Franklin I felt fear, that real sense of peril like it was in Morocco, outnumbered by Vichy. I figured it was better to move so I crouched from tree to tree at any second expecting a knife to the gut.
Id been in fights before with knife thugs, drunks with broken bottles, women, but never with a crazy, pantsless, cowfucking manchild. I didnt know how to play this one. I was feeling around for something to use as a weapon when I heard Barn give the signal. I weaved in and out of a dozen trees and found him.
This may be more difficult than we thought. He said.
We could shoot him.
Did you bring your gun? He looked at me.
No I thought you did?
Shit. He said. Then well have to get close to him.
I sat there with Barney and set my mind to kill. Franklin had the edge, but he couldnt get both of us. Either way, at least one person was going to die tonight.
Id killed two people since the war. In 51 we trailed a Moncentti mob gun to the Bruce Peninsula in Ontario. In the struggle I pushed him off an escarpment to his death, Then in 56 I shot point blank a skinny black kid, no older than sixteen, who came at me with a tire iron. He was high on something that wasnt weed. This was on Detroits West side. At the precinct house, the Sergeant in charge said, Its self defense. Whats one more dead nigger anyway. I held it in the whole way home. That night I cried in Claras arms, but I couldnt bring myself to tell her.
From about three trees behind us a strange sound broke the silence. Franklin had farted like a seal deflating.
Thats the call to arms I guess. I said.
Ready? Barn said and we slowly began to stand. Then we heard the hysterical cry of Mrs. Vanderspoon.
Franklin! Franklin! Where are you? She was on the porch crying to the darkness. We could vaguely see the glow of its light.
Mom?! Im over here! Theres some raccoons out here!
Franklin! Get in here right now! She was in a panic, stamping her foot. Franklin didnt respond.
Franklin. If you come inside Ill make you some hot chocolate!
He still didnt respond.
Ill let you have more pecan pie!
That did it. Ok. Mom! He lumbered through the orchard and came so close we could have grabbed him.
Before the door closed and the light went out we heard Mrs. Vanderspoon. And put some pants on before your father sees you like that.
Jeeze Louise. I said when it was all over.
Jesus Fucking Christ. Barney said and lit a Lucky. It was the first time he smoked since we arrived at the farm this morning.
We moved closer to the house and waited by the fence until the kitchen light went out. Then we waited some more.
Think its ok? I asked.
Lets go. And if that fucker is still up Im going to ring his fucking neck until hes fucking dead. Something in the way he said this made me cringe.
We made our way into the kitchen and were upstairs and in the car with our stuff in less than two minutes.
Bye, bye, Vanderloons. I said from behind the wheel. Its been swell as a grenade in the ass. But before I could put the key in the ignition Barney said, Just a sec, partner. He shot out the door and went back in the house. I waited in silence. The car door open, The chill night air seeping in. Then he came back with something in his hand. It was the pecan pie. He threw it as hard as he could at the front door and ran into the car.
Ok. Now lets go!
A Night in the Orchard
My need for sleep was disturbed by a blitzkrieg of crickets and Mrs. Vanderspoons cooking turning over in my gut like a thousand maggots writhing inside the carcass of a wild boar. There was no clock in the room. The T.V. downstairs was silent, so it must have been after midnight. About the time the worms had made off with most of the carcass, leaving just the head and some nice fatback I heard something from outside. One of the cows was mooing. Even as a city boy I knew that cows didnt moo at night. They were too busy sleeping so they could turn all that grass into milk. Then the door to my room slowly opened. I reached for my piece. Then stopped. Barney was standing in the doorway fully dressed but for his jacket. He came in silently. You hear that?
Yeah. Thing sounds like its in pain.
Wanna check it out?
Why not, Nothing else to do. I dressed quickly but boxers, shoes and sport coat were all I could find.
Nice look, sweetie. Lets just stay here and cuddle. Barn grinned and we made our way downstairs and outside.
We followed the mooing to the field behind the barn. The field was fenced in on three sides, but the West end was protected by buckthorn to keep the cows from wandering through the orchard. A haze of cloud hid the night sky. We marked a black shadowed form about 100 yards from where we crouched.
Should we get closer? The night was strangely cold and I could almost see my breath.
Why not. Nothing else to do.
We were over the fence and belly-crawling slowly to not be seen.
Um, Barn. This is a cow field isnt it.
Tell me about it. He said holding up a hand encased in dung. We crawled on.
I was just about to navigate around a big lump of shit when Barney reached over and tapped my shoulder.
Is that what I think it is? He whispered. We were maybe 50 yards away from it now.
Jeeze Louise. I let out in a cold cloud of air.
50 yards from us was a cow facing North. Facing the same way as the cow was Franklin. He was in an undershirt, but naked from the waist down. His pale, fat, hairy ass was slowly thrusting in and out of the animal.
Look at its feet. Barn said.
Franklins?
No. Franklins date.
The cows hind quarters were secured in the holes and shackles Barn had seen earlier.
Franklin loves animals Barney said mimicking Mrs. Vanderspoon earlier.
Franklin was moving faster now, really giving it to Bessie. Then he made a long, slow, sick orgasmic moan over the mooing of the cow.
Aw. Aint that sweet? Barn said.
But I couldnt respond. The combination of the dinner, the smell of shit and Franklins clandestine rendezvous was making me sick.
Uh, Barn I got it out before I vomited violently.
Franklin pulled out of the cow and fumbled on the ground for his pants. We took off for the buckthorn. Wed just reached the first flank of the stuff as we heard the unmistakable click of a switch-blade. We stopped for breath. Franklin stood staring in our direction.
Theres a good chance hes higher than the Canadian Rockies. We could take him. Barney said.
Yeah. I said, But then wed have to get close to him.
Point taken.
Franklin had pinpointed our direction and began hulking towards us. Even in the dark I made out his maniac grin, his eyes rotating like a desert lizard. Something else, too. He hadnt put his pants on. We retreated further into the wall of trees. For several stands theyd been cut neatly and we could navigate without a problem. We stayed together as long as we could, but the trees started getting thicker, poking us in the face and arms.
We better split up. Well meet in the orchard. I said
Dont sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me, sweetie. Barney deadpanned and was gone.
As I made my way to the Orchard I could hear Franklin breathing heavy somewhere behind me. I made it through to the apple trees. I crouched behind one of them. Then I heard nothing but my own breathing. For the first time since we met Franklin I felt fear, that real sense of peril like it was in Morocco, outnumbered by Vichy. I figured it was better to move so I crouched from tree to tree at any second expecting a knife to the gut.
Id been in fights before with knife thugs, drunks with broken bottles, women, but never with a crazy, pantsless, cowfucking manchild. I didnt know how to play this one. I was feeling around for something to use as a weapon when I heard Barn give the signal. I weaved in and out of a dozen trees and found him.
This may be more difficult than we thought. He said.
We could shoot him.
Did you bring your gun? He looked at me.
No I thought you did?
Shit. He said. Then well have to get close to him.
I sat there with Barney and set my mind to kill. Franklin had the edge, but he couldnt get both of us. Either way, at least one person was going to die tonight.
Id killed two people since the war. In 51 we trailed a Moncentti mob gun to the Bruce Peninsula in Ontario. In the struggle I pushed him off an escarpment to his death, Then in 56 I shot point blank a skinny black kid, no older than sixteen, who came at me with a tire iron. He was high on something that wasnt weed. This was on Detroits West side. At the precinct house, the Sergeant in charge said, Its self defense. Whats one more dead nigger anyway. I held it in the whole way home. That night I cried in Claras arms, but I couldnt bring myself to tell her.
From about three trees behind us a strange sound broke the silence. Franklin had farted like a seal deflating.
Thats the call to arms I guess. I said.
Ready? Barn said and we slowly began to stand. Then we heard the hysterical cry of Mrs. Vanderspoon.
Franklin! Franklin! Where are you? She was on the porch crying to the darkness. We could vaguely see the glow of its light.
Mom?! Im over here! Theres some raccoons out here!
Franklin! Get in here right now! She was in a panic, stamping her foot. Franklin didnt respond.
Franklin. If you come inside Ill make you some hot chocolate!
He still didnt respond.
Ill let you have more pecan pie!
That did it. Ok. Mom! He lumbered through the orchard and came so close we could have grabbed him.
Before the door closed and the light went out we heard Mrs. Vanderspoon. And put some pants on before your father sees you like that.
Jeeze Louise. I said when it was all over.
Jesus Fucking Christ. Barney said and lit a Lucky. It was the first time he smoked since we arrived at the farm this morning.
We moved closer to the house and waited by the fence until the kitchen light went out. Then we waited some more.
Think its ok? I asked.
Lets go. And if that fucker is still up Im going to ring his fucking neck until hes fucking dead. Something in the way he said this made me cringe.
We made our way into the kitchen and were upstairs and in the car with our stuff in less than two minutes.
Bye, bye, Vanderloons. I said from behind the wheel. Its been swell as a grenade in the ass. But before I could put the key in the ignition Barney said, Just a sec, partner. He shot out the door and went back in the house. I waited in silence. The car door open, The chill night air seeping in. Then he came back with something in his hand. It was the pecan pie. He threw it as hard as he could at the front door and ran into the car.
Ok. Now lets go!