Although I told them both that I'm miserable and want nothing but your happiness. They both said 'Treat yourself'.
Although I made an effort to walk away from both within a span of 2 minutes because they both made jokes to the effect they were done with me and didn't want to talk to me anymore.. they both asked why I wanted to walk away?!
My heart hurts and I'm miserable.. I'm tired and can't take this anymore.
I retorted that I loved them.. they didn't freak out or tell me to go away.
Although I have a gaming PC, Xbox, PS4.. things to do and people I've neglected my hearts wants for nothing more. They are mere material things that don't make me less miserable.
I told one that the other's voice is the only thing that I've considered to be a treat and I've indulged in it for months.
That hearing her voice daily was the only thing keeping me going.
She said it was cheesy.. I said it was the truth..
So I told the other a long winded gist of it and she didn't freak out, but that I should think my actions and reactions out and return only if my feelings wouldn't get in the way. This again after telling her that I loved her at least twice more.
It isn't like that.. I've told them all this. I don't have any desires that I'd shove down their throats. I don't love that way.
This being a type of love that has no strings attached because I don't love any other way. I have no demands. I already get what I want. You call me your friend.. that's enough. However I feel that I'm now broken and cannot be counted on for support so I should just walk away.
I've lost any value I might have had to be a friend and don't know how we could continue after dealing with drama.
As long as she's happy. As long as she can laugh and sing into my ears.. my heart swells with love and I can live another day.
But I fucked it up again.. and again.. and again.. because I pulled myself away. The fire of drama, misunderstandings, little jokes.. I let them get in the way.