Y'all make me warm inside, and that makes me happy. I'd *really* rather be warm than cold, inside at least.
For the celestially inquisitive, Venus is in retrograde until 3 Feb 06, which seems to jive with my overall intro/retrospective interpersonal perspective. (Was that verbal mastrubation?) The Chinese New Year of the Dog, bingxu, will begin with the first new moon after the sun enters...
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For the celestially inquisitive, Venus is in retrograde until 3 Feb 06, which seems to jive with my overall intro/retrospective interpersonal perspective. (Was that verbal mastrubation?) The Chinese New Year of the Dog, bingxu, will begin with the first new moon after the sun enters...
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Hmmmmmm, whiskey. My new favorite poison.
I quite smoking fags, as folks call them elsewheres, and it seems that I've gotten an itch for something else, to take up the slack? Rob, my illustrious and currently-elsewheres roommate, got me a bottle of Jack instead of a cake. My request.
Thanks for birthday wishes. I was in bed with a fever, "resting up". I'm celebrating tonight,...
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I quite smoking fags, as folks call them elsewheres, and it seems that I've gotten an itch for something else, to take up the slack? Rob, my illustrious and currently-elsewheres roommate, got me a bottle of Jack instead of a cake. My request.
Thanks for birthday wishes. I was in bed with a fever, "resting up". I'm celebrating tonight,...
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zef:
Weird, I'd sware I left you a comment. hmm.
you are welcome. I am glad you quit smoking, though picking up whiskey, hmmm. Good luck.
what's "downhome" music to you?
you are welcome. I am glad you quit smoking, though picking up whiskey, hmmm. Good luck.
what's "downhome" music to you?
I made it home.
Back to real life? It seems surreal. So far I've managed to unpack a bit, buy groceries. God of sound and light be praised for today's holiday.
Evening classes this semester, with no real excuse not to stay up 'til dawn reading and writing other than a healthy desire not to piss off roommate and destroy my health in the process?...
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Back to real life? It seems surreal. So far I've managed to unpack a bit, buy groceries. God of sound and light be praised for today's holiday.
Evening classes this semester, with no real excuse not to stay up 'til dawn reading and writing other than a healthy desire not to piss off roommate and destroy my health in the process?...
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VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
rigormortis:
happy birthday
zef:
Happy birthday man!!! I it's was'/is the greatest day for you.
For the record, today was a *really* good day that's not ending so well. I went to the best trapeeze show, and walked alone along the dark and dirty traintracks singing loudly. I got everythong I needed and I don't know what I want. Now I've got Arcade Fire playing, I'm (still) drinking whiskey, and neither are helping. I'm alone in a friend's Apt, and...
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zef:
it's almost friday. You'll be out there soon enough. Leaving and growing up...you can't go back without everything just feeling seperate, like something you "USE" to do.
What does back amongst "the lonely" refer to?
It's actually really nice weather here. It was 71 today. So hybernation doesn't do it for me. In fact, that' one of my favorite things about NC lots of sunshine. In 2005 Ohio had like less than a weeks worth of clear skies and sunlight in the winter. That totally equals grey and grey, which translate into servere funked out depression.
It's the alcohol and nostalgia. My ex was sometimes wonderful, like just sitting in nature just listening to gods sounds and feeling its light from within, but while many memories shine sublimely, she is shards of shattered glass that bloody my hands whenever I try to hold on to her. Time has made it easier, but it's hard to imagine ever being totally over her. AT least not until I find the one that I am looking for, she'll be everything I ever imagined wanting in a girl. Unless it's a guy, which I hadn't really contemplated what sort of guy I wouldn't mind being with. Interesting how I differentiated "wouldn't mind being with" for the guy and "exactly what I am looking for "girl. hmmm.
So what is AZ like? Are you from TN?
What does back amongst "the lonely" refer to?
It's actually really nice weather here. It was 71 today. So hybernation doesn't do it for me. In fact, that' one of my favorite things about NC lots of sunshine. In 2005 Ohio had like less than a weeks worth of clear skies and sunlight in the winter. That totally equals grey and grey, which translate into servere funked out depression.
It's the alcohol and nostalgia. My ex was sometimes wonderful, like just sitting in nature just listening to gods sounds and feeling its light from within, but while many memories shine sublimely, she is shards of shattered glass that bloody my hands whenever I try to hold on to her. Time has made it easier, but it's hard to imagine ever being totally over her. AT least not until I find the one that I am looking for, she'll be everything I ever imagined wanting in a girl. Unless it's a guy, which I hadn't really contemplated what sort of guy I wouldn't mind being with. Interesting how I differentiated "wouldn't mind being with" for the guy and "exactly what I am looking for "girl. hmmm.
So what is AZ like? Are you from TN?
zef:
sorry, I'll have to craft my skills of getting people to give specific information without asing direct questions. 
Good answers btw. I get the desert as lonely, now.
Well, I judged myself. I don't really consider myself a sexist dumbass who goes after girls for purely sexual reasons, but that's exactly what I find myself doing. I just wanted to write as clearly as possible what I've been doing both as a creative exercise and as a slap across the face to wake myself up or accept that this is who I am so I can get to changing my life.
Thanks for not judging. I wasn't looking for that kind of criticism anyway.
Good answers btw. I get the desert as lonely, now.
Well, I judged myself. I don't really consider myself a sexist dumbass who goes after girls for purely sexual reasons, but that's exactly what I find myself doing. I just wanted to write as clearly as possible what I've been doing both as a creative exercise and as a slap across the face to wake myself up or accept that this is who I am so I can get to changing my life.
Thanks for not judging. I wasn't looking for that kind of criticism anyway.
today was pissed-off service industry night in East Tennessee. I spent an embarrasingly long time buying nonperishable groceries at super walmart tonight, langourously hunting for the rare scaps of vitality contained therein. The checkout woman was stocking cigarettes. I tried to make friendly late-nite conversation, and she'd have none of it. Finally, she picks up the can of coconut nectar that i'd drunk while shopping,...
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zef:
I often get that look when I open a drink while standing in line at checkout. I think it's pissed-off service industry eon in Laurinburg. I love going to a drive thru, "can I get a..." "what? What do you want?" "can I get a--" "I can't hear you. What do you want?" I usually leave them like that. I long for the day when we can see each other's faces on video screens. I'll mirror and record their gaping, sneering mugs so they get a taste of their own medicine.
I enjoyed my visit home, but I am glad I didn't have to move back for the better part of a month like you seem to have done.
Ex's suck. Mine wants to be friends, but doesn't really want me to be honest about anything. She calls to talk then says she has to run if I in anyway sound sad.
read this if you get bored.
Good luck with the end of smoking. you'll love yourself so much more in ten years if you manage to stop. You won't look prematurely old, either.
When does school start back up for you?
I enjoyed my visit home, but I am glad I didn't have to move back for the better part of a month like you seem to have done.
Ex's suck. Mine wants to be friends, but doesn't really want me to be honest about anything. She calls to talk then says she has to run if I in anyway sound sad.
read this if you get bored.
Good luck with the end of smoking. you'll love yourself so much more in ten years if you manage to stop. You won't look prematurely old, either.
When does school start back up for you?
zef:
Did you ever consider that everything so seriously is why are you escaping in TV and whatever else you said you were gourging yourself with?
Oh boy. How about some dial-up? Late night in East TN, and I've finally stopped sleeping. There's not much else to do here at parents' house. Read, write letters, gorge myself on cable tv. I've got some CSPAN going in the background right now
I'm thinking of not coming home next year. Friends were sort of ho-hum this season, bus trip was LONG, free food...
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I'm thinking of not coming home next year. Friends were sort of ho-hum this season, bus trip was LONG, free food...
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put up (not so hot) pictures of a couple of pieces that I threw on the wheel on campus this semester - oddball xmas presents for my weirdo friends and family.
desert and chai night at annapurna tomorrow (today) a happy me makes.
desert and chai night at annapurna tomorrow (today) a happy me makes.
zef:
really nicely glazed peices.
What is "annapurna"?
What are you studying at school? I was under the impression that you were working on being an engineer or a computer programmer or something.
Meth works best at keeping me awake, but as you said it makes me sad, too. And luckily I am no longer interested in that particular struggle. Unless I can find some Indica, weed makes me wanna drift away into oblivion.
Basically, I went with getting some sleep then getting up early to get some shit done. It's been working so far. But thanks for the advice.
What is "annapurna"?
What are you studying at school? I was under the impression that you were working on being an engineer or a computer programmer or something.
Meth works best at keeping me awake, but as you said it makes me sad, too. And luckily I am no longer interested in that particular struggle. Unless I can find some Indica, weed makes me wanna drift away into oblivion.
Basically, I went with getting some sleep then getting up early to get some shit done. It's been working so far. But thanks for the advice.
lambda:
...
lambda:
around the house
! Happy Full Moon Fever
* Tonight, a good dance party full of cute guys - a rare pleasure to flirt with everyone and not feel like a freak. I discovered that I can indeed dance in work boots and that, indeed, i owe almost everyt move to michael jackson (with nods and props to jet li, justin stone, et al.).
& Now I'm too...
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* Tonight, a good dance party full of cute guys - a rare pleasure to flirt with everyone and not feel like a freak. I discovered that I can indeed dance in work boots and that, indeed, i owe almost everyt move to michael jackson (with nods and props to jet li, justin stone, et al.).
& Now I'm too...
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zef:
sorry submitted it twice somehow.
[Edited on Dec 16, 2005 8:45AM]
sorry submitted it twice somehow.
[Edited on Dec 16, 2005 8:45AM]
zef:
See, the thing is I do all that. I express my interests. I look for reactions. But I suppose a little bit more of the story is that I feel like elements of my life are still caught up in the wreckage left behind from my previous relationship, non-emotional things. I am talking financial and various other things such as living in a two bedroom townhouse that's just way to big for me. That may seems small, but it adds up with some of the other things to keep me from just asking someone out.
I suppose it did read like I was informing the masses that I want their love and if you are interested bring it on, but I've always thought that the things I say and write are really reflections of my thoughts and attitudes reflecting my subconscious.
See the most honest self-reflection that I have is that in those that I find attractive, I don't hear a description of "me" in what they are attracted to.
You unlike most, seem to have this uncanny ability to see right through what I think I am saying and show me what I am really saying.
See, the thing is I do all that. I express my interests. I look for reactions. But I suppose a little bit more of the story is that I feel like elements of my life are still caught up in the wreckage left behind from my previous relationship, non-emotional things. I am talking financial and various other things such as living in a two bedroom townhouse that's just way to big for me. That may seems small, but it adds up with some of the other things to keep me from just asking someone out.
I suppose it did read like I was informing the masses that I want their love and if you are interested bring it on, but I've always thought that the things I say and write are really reflections of my thoughts and attitudes reflecting my subconscious.
See the most honest self-reflection that I have is that in those that I find attractive, I don't hear a description of "me" in what they are attracted to.
You unlike most, seem to have this uncanny ability to see right through what I think I am saying and show me what I am really saying.
Listening to Boards of Canada and Leonard Cohen's I'm Your Man tonight. Kinda low energy, not quite sullen. Made a fire in the steel "chimney" in the backyard. That was nice.
Finally got camera talking to computer, put some pics from halloween online. A bit of smut, but mostly ribs and knees and elbows and such. I uploaded them as zip files and they're all...
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Finally got camera talking to computer, put some pics from halloween online. A bit of smut, but mostly ribs and knees and elbows and such. I uploaded them as zip files and they're all...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
lambda:
Yeah, I was the green clay wizard for halloween, forked beard and all. My whole face felt like it was being pulled forwards and off as the clay dried. I couldn't smile for an hour or two.
zef:
"Chapel perilous" is a term used to define that point where you "think" everything makes sense, that you have almost got things figured out, but in actuality you are caught/snagged in an endless cycle of finding meaning inside of meaning inside of meaning.
think of those that find a number "EVERYWHERE". Well they see it everywhere because that's where they are looking for it. Once the subconscious mind becomes attuned to something it seeks it out. But that doesn't mean that there is any absolute meaning in what seems to be corelating factors and synchronistic moments.
I'll have to look back to see why I mentioned that. Right now I am late to a work christmas party.
think of those that find a number "EVERYWHERE". Well they see it everywhere because that's where they are looking for it. Once the subconscious mind becomes attuned to something it seeks it out. But that doesn't mean that there is any absolute meaning in what seems to be corelating factors and synchronistic moments.
I'll have to look back to see why I mentioned that. Right now I am late to a work christmas party.
lambda:
.
you are welcome,I suppose. Your writing, though only somewhat sampled from your journal entries is quite interesting. your style I mean.
It's my year. My chinese sign is a Dog. So It's the year of the dog now. yay for me!
May the warmth inside remain until something even more fiery comes along.