honestly, for the first time EVER in my life, ive had the privilege of feeling a feeling that is so euphoric in so many ways. for the first time in my life, i am proud to be me. for the first time in my life, i am finally being the true me, the me that had been squashed and pushed and hidden so far and so deep inside of me, that even i hardly knew it existed. you see, that person was ridiculed, bullied and told that i wasnt good enough. and, well frankly after being told that more times then you can count, you start to believe it yourself. now dont get e wrong, im not feeling sorry for myself, i am merely telling you how this catipeller realised that she was infact a butterfly.
life for me growing up was, plainly put, horrible. doing the classic "im too sick to go to school" just to get a day of peace. it got so bad at one point that i was locked inside a locker for the joy of others. what made it worse is the fact that i suffer from chronic bipolar, and life was always one gigantic mountain after another, although i had conquered each mountain that blocked my path, you cant help but just be tired, be over the constant struggle and to be honest, i was sick of praying for a smoother path, not happier, not more full of love, not to be more liked by peers and have a more fulfilling life, i was just sick of praying for something smoother. when a brain that only sees the cup half empty, decides they over trying, and i can tell you this for a fact, its what they decide and that is final. my brain decided that, and from that decision i landed myself in a two week coma fighting for my life. my mom praying that i wouldnt wake up a vegetable from the amount of drugs, alcohol and sleeping tablets that had put me in this predicamint. lot of people ask me why i did it, honestly i wasnt even thinking of ending everything, i just wanted to stop feeling, make the pain go away, be numb. for some reason, i got my second chance. now it wasnt all roses from that moment, its been three long years to get to where i am now. because of the amount of substances i had taken, i had basically damaged my brain to such an extent that i had given myself epilipsy. haha i laugh now, but i did a proper good job of damaging my body in so many ways. the body i loved as my memories, mountains and things i loved were permantly "attached" to my body. tattoos are my passion, tattoos are my life, tattoos are everything that is me. along with geting my "therapy session" with my tattoo artist, eds were taken on a regular basis, brain theraphy where i taught my brain how to process things positively were constantly on go and it was a day to day fight to take my life back. it didnt help that i still hadnt admitted to the fact that i was bipolar or that i had a problem. so what is the point of doing all that if the things you were doing to improve your disease that in your mind, didnt exist. well its pointless.
and then, as i followed a journey of a friend, coming out loud, proud and so full of inspiration that she was infact a transgender, something changed inside of me. seeing how, even though she was losing friends, battling with her transition into society, there was this glow about her. she was being her true self, she was free, she was happy. now i owe more then life to this girl, as she awoke a flame inside of me, that never shone bright and was in a constant fight to stay alight. she inspired me to a point that i, in a sense, came alive. i all of a sudden knew what i wanted in life, where i wanted to go, who i truly was and how i wasnt afraid any more, how i knew exactly how hard i would have to fight for my dreams to come true and was prepared to do anything to win.
i, at the moment am on one path to reaching one of my dreams and that is being apart of this beautiful family. a group of people, that instead of judging, celebrate differences. a group of people that in my short time, have become my good friendsand support system, and through this journey have met some of, what i would say, my closest of friends. but the real reason as why i am pouring my heart out for all you to see is because through this all, i have become me, the real me, the person i always pushed far deep inside of me, and it is honestly the best feeling in the world. and if this reaches anyone out there that just needs someone to listen, someone to help the forget, someone to help them deal, please do not hesitate. i say this because through it all, all the mountains, all the realisations, all the good times and bad, my heart has settled on helping others and in turn "paying it forward". although in beginning stages, i am in the process of starting a foundation called "beautiful disaster but perfectly flawed". this will be in aid of people who have been or are going through what i went through. to help them, raise funds for medication etc and create a safe place where they can go until they are ready to face the world again. and now i reach out to you, any advice, opinions, questions, absolutely anything that could help me in achieving my dream, will be appreciated more then you will ever imagine.
i hope to hear your responses, discussions and own life stories of how the catepillar in you, realised you were actually a butterfly!
much love and light
Lady Mac