A True Personal Ad Found Online
By
Johnny Zombie
Single White Male Seeks Deathly-Pale-Skinned Female (but is not adverse to diversity)
SWM is HWP, five-foot-seven, 130 pounds (give or take a few cheeseburgers), green eyes, reddish-brown hair, moderate to no facial hair.
Im seeking a woman between the ages of 25 and 35. She must have a great sense of humor, a sense of adventure, a career, an education, and a love of romance.
My activities include writing, dancing, reading, pod casting, the occasional video, and sometimes drawing.
The woman that Im looking for must be ready to receive and give affection. She must be open to romance, fine dining, a night out on the town, and breakfast in bed.
As for looksI wont say that looks dont matter, because we all know they do. Im not picky when it comes to hair color--natural is best. Though if she wants to dye it neon red, hot pink, Cthulhu green, aqua, purple or even midnight black, then Im up for it. If shes a natural redhead, that gets me really hot. That also means youll have to get a restraining order to stop me from petting you like a border collie at dinner. It also means that Im under the impression that you taste like strawberry pie down there. It also means that Ill compare the taste of your lips to cotton candy, cherries, or Charms Blow Pops. Lets face it--redheads do taste sweeter than any other hair color. If you have freckled skin, I might propose to you right then and there--either before or after Ive nibbled on your for a bit. Oh, and when we make out, tongue is a must!
Im not picky when it comes to body type--I accept that not all women are the same size. They come in a diverse range of colors, sizes, shapes, and flavors. I like the occasional thin girl. However, if you have more curves than the Autobahn, Ill ride on you like a Mercedes screaming down the Hershey Highway. The more you scream, the faster I will go, until you are purring like a V6.
You must also have an interest in, or no aversion, to the following
Cuddling and kissing in public. Occasionally making love in a photo booth, and then posting the photos online. If we go out drinking, and the bartender puts a cherry in your drink, you must tie the stem with your tongue. It lets me know you have an oral fixation, just like me.
An interest in porn helps, too. If youre a fan of the Suicide Girls, that goes a long way in my book. If you are a Suicide Girl, thats even better.
You must have no aversion to any of the following sexual practices, even if you dont fully appreciate them.
1. Erotic breast feeding, even when youre not in heat, or pregnant.
2. Being saddled like a horse, and then spanked like a bad pony girl.
3. Being called a naughty school girl, and then asked to stay after class to help me, clap out my erasers.
4. Being called a bad kitty, and then made to roll around in fresh catnip, after being flogged with a cat-o-nine tails.
5. Necrophilia. While this is a not a deal breaker for me, it would be nice if you tolerated it--especially if you dont survive any of the above mentioned practices.
6. Oral sex--they dont call me, the human Dyson for nothing. My mouth is like a wind tunnel, and your carpet must be vacuumed.
7. Being tied down. This goes without saying (see numbers one to four, though five doesnt require it, unless youre a zombie).
8. Threesomes. Bringing a friend is always nice, even if they are dead (see number five). Preferably, they would be alive--kicking and screaming is just as well, and adds to the challenge.
9. Bisexuality. I honestly dont know why anyone would have an issue with this. If you object, that is an automatic deal breaker. If you are Maggie Gyllenhaal, and youre reading this, you and your brother are both invited to my place. The both of you are two times the sexiness. Maggie, you look great in lingerie. Jake, you can bring your chapsand little else.
10. Incest. This is closely related to the fantasy involving Maggie and Jake. Though I dont know if theyd be into each other, Id certainly be into them (make of that what you will). Frankly, who hasnt experimented a little? Both the Collinson Twins, and Woody Allen have discovered, Incest is sometimes best. Twincest is hot (see Madelaine and Marie Collinson), and Necrocest is debatable (see numbers five, nine, and Edgar Allan Poe).
11. You must respect the one true god that has been with us since day one--Cthulhu! He is the one who will unite us in the body of his very being, when he partakes of our souls. He will then release us from his bowels into oblivion.
12. You must have no aversion to occasionally being bled like a bride of Dracula. You must submit to a blood screening before this can take place--though I do prefer a nice A Negative. As we all know, Type-O Negative is even better.
There is more that I can think of, but that is just a start. While Im not an authoritarian, I do like to set a few ground rules.
1. Dont talk about my business, Kay. Ever.
2. If you hear any muffled sounds coming from the closet, or under the bed, just ignore them. I would imagine that it is mice that are causing those sounds. As we all know, mice can be very vocal at times. These sounds can be mistaken for a human voice in distress. Please, for your own safety, ignore them.
3. If you happen to find tools in the sink, please ignore them as well. Dont worry about rust on the scalpel, or the wrench, or the pliers, or the bone saw. They are made of stainless steel for a reason. For that matter, dont touch anything that comes out of the autoclave with your bare hands. This is partly because sterilized instruments from the autoclave are incredibly hot. It is also partly to keep them sanitary.
4. While I am not licensed to practice medicine in the United States, I do a lot of my work in Mexico. I would go into detail, but it would only bore you. Suffice to say that I may be gone two weeks out of the month. When this occurs, let me know if you see strange people around my apartment.
5. If you should smell anything strange, like a burning smell--please ignore it (see rules one and two).
6. Never let them in my apartment without a warrant.
7. We can talk about anything you have on your mind, as long as it doesnt involve money, politics, religion, and who I was with last night. You also cant comment on any unusual stains on the bed sheets, or my fine dress shirts (see rules one, two, three, and five).
While I know this is a lot to process, I also know that Im worth the effort. While my life carries many complexities, it also brings many rewards. Im just an old-fashioned guy with good values, who is looking for his soul mate.
Please feel free to include a picture, and your phone number, when replying. You may also want to include your next-of-kin--especially if you happen to be Maggie, or Jake, or both.
I look forward to your reply.
Happy Hunting Out There!
Copyright Fly Paper Dungeon 2011
By
Johnny Zombie
Single White Male Seeks Deathly-Pale-Skinned Female (but is not adverse to diversity)
SWM is HWP, five-foot-seven, 130 pounds (give or take a few cheeseburgers), green eyes, reddish-brown hair, moderate to no facial hair.
Im seeking a woman between the ages of 25 and 35. She must have a great sense of humor, a sense of adventure, a career, an education, and a love of romance.
My activities include writing, dancing, reading, pod casting, the occasional video, and sometimes drawing.
The woman that Im looking for must be ready to receive and give affection. She must be open to romance, fine dining, a night out on the town, and breakfast in bed.
As for looksI wont say that looks dont matter, because we all know they do. Im not picky when it comes to hair color--natural is best. Though if she wants to dye it neon red, hot pink, Cthulhu green, aqua, purple or even midnight black, then Im up for it. If shes a natural redhead, that gets me really hot. That also means youll have to get a restraining order to stop me from petting you like a border collie at dinner. It also means that Im under the impression that you taste like strawberry pie down there. It also means that Ill compare the taste of your lips to cotton candy, cherries, or Charms Blow Pops. Lets face it--redheads do taste sweeter than any other hair color. If you have freckled skin, I might propose to you right then and there--either before or after Ive nibbled on your for a bit. Oh, and when we make out, tongue is a must!
Im not picky when it comes to body type--I accept that not all women are the same size. They come in a diverse range of colors, sizes, shapes, and flavors. I like the occasional thin girl. However, if you have more curves than the Autobahn, Ill ride on you like a Mercedes screaming down the Hershey Highway. The more you scream, the faster I will go, until you are purring like a V6.
You must also have an interest in, or no aversion, to the following
Cuddling and kissing in public. Occasionally making love in a photo booth, and then posting the photos online. If we go out drinking, and the bartender puts a cherry in your drink, you must tie the stem with your tongue. It lets me know you have an oral fixation, just like me.
An interest in porn helps, too. If youre a fan of the Suicide Girls, that goes a long way in my book. If you are a Suicide Girl, thats even better.
You must have no aversion to any of the following sexual practices, even if you dont fully appreciate them.
1. Erotic breast feeding, even when youre not in heat, or pregnant.
2. Being saddled like a horse, and then spanked like a bad pony girl.
3. Being called a naughty school girl, and then asked to stay after class to help me, clap out my erasers.
4. Being called a bad kitty, and then made to roll around in fresh catnip, after being flogged with a cat-o-nine tails.
5. Necrophilia. While this is a not a deal breaker for me, it would be nice if you tolerated it--especially if you dont survive any of the above mentioned practices.
6. Oral sex--they dont call me, the human Dyson for nothing. My mouth is like a wind tunnel, and your carpet must be vacuumed.
7. Being tied down. This goes without saying (see numbers one to four, though five doesnt require it, unless youre a zombie).
8. Threesomes. Bringing a friend is always nice, even if they are dead (see number five). Preferably, they would be alive--kicking and screaming is just as well, and adds to the challenge.
9. Bisexuality. I honestly dont know why anyone would have an issue with this. If you object, that is an automatic deal breaker. If you are Maggie Gyllenhaal, and youre reading this, you and your brother are both invited to my place. The both of you are two times the sexiness. Maggie, you look great in lingerie. Jake, you can bring your chapsand little else.
10. Incest. This is closely related to the fantasy involving Maggie and Jake. Though I dont know if theyd be into each other, Id certainly be into them (make of that what you will). Frankly, who hasnt experimented a little? Both the Collinson Twins, and Woody Allen have discovered, Incest is sometimes best. Twincest is hot (see Madelaine and Marie Collinson), and Necrocest is debatable (see numbers five, nine, and Edgar Allan Poe).
11. You must respect the one true god that has been with us since day one--Cthulhu! He is the one who will unite us in the body of his very being, when he partakes of our souls. He will then release us from his bowels into oblivion.
12. You must have no aversion to occasionally being bled like a bride of Dracula. You must submit to a blood screening before this can take place--though I do prefer a nice A Negative. As we all know, Type-O Negative is even better.
There is more that I can think of, but that is just a start. While Im not an authoritarian, I do like to set a few ground rules.
1. Dont talk about my business, Kay. Ever.
2. If you hear any muffled sounds coming from the closet, or under the bed, just ignore them. I would imagine that it is mice that are causing those sounds. As we all know, mice can be very vocal at times. These sounds can be mistaken for a human voice in distress. Please, for your own safety, ignore them.
3. If you happen to find tools in the sink, please ignore them as well. Dont worry about rust on the scalpel, or the wrench, or the pliers, or the bone saw. They are made of stainless steel for a reason. For that matter, dont touch anything that comes out of the autoclave with your bare hands. This is partly because sterilized instruments from the autoclave are incredibly hot. It is also partly to keep them sanitary.
4. While I am not licensed to practice medicine in the United States, I do a lot of my work in Mexico. I would go into detail, but it would only bore you. Suffice to say that I may be gone two weeks out of the month. When this occurs, let me know if you see strange people around my apartment.
5. If you should smell anything strange, like a burning smell--please ignore it (see rules one and two).
6. Never let them in my apartment without a warrant.
7. We can talk about anything you have on your mind, as long as it doesnt involve money, politics, religion, and who I was with last night. You also cant comment on any unusual stains on the bed sheets, or my fine dress shirts (see rules one, two, three, and five).
While I know this is a lot to process, I also know that Im worth the effort. While my life carries many complexities, it also brings many rewards. Im just an old-fashioned guy with good values, who is looking for his soul mate.
Please feel free to include a picture, and your phone number, when replying. You may also want to include your next-of-kin--especially if you happen to be Maggie, or Jake, or both.
I look forward to your reply.
Happy Hunting Out There!
Copyright Fly Paper Dungeon 2011
VIEW 25 of 25 COMMENTS
sobelle:
I actually contacted her site a couple of weeks ago and they said they are "working" on getting it released on DVD.
niniane:
Yeah he's my baby but he does get into a lot of trouble.