Earlier today, Body picked a helluva day to have a cold. Now I'm just suspicious.

Me: Boss, can I go home early? I don't feel so hot

Boss: Didn't Final Fantasy XV come out today?

Me: Hey, I'm asking the questions around here

matoushka:
Hahahaha! That's something, FF XV...

I think Starbucks should just straight up put Lucifer on the holiday cup.

"Oh, yall wanna say we hate Xmas another year? We'll give you something to complain about. Here, have a hot cup of Satan. #staywokefam #dicksout#getwrecked"

Good: "She's got a booty that don't quit"

Bad: "Her ass won't stop"

I think I'm finally tired of sitting around and being a drunk asshole. I miss being in shape and having sex regularly too (it's been a year. oof). So I think I'll quit one, start another, and really cross my fingers for the third. Saying here because seeing you babes every day has inspired me to be better. June 1 seems like...
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chef:
Good luck !

(Boss telling me that I have too much leave saved up and might lose some)

Her: Well if you want you could always donate to others that need some extra if you don't want to take it.

Me: Oh yea I forgot all about that, you're right. With any luck, someone around here will get really really sick!

Her: That's not what...
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Booked myself for the cheapest motel I could find in Memphis, and just arrived. It's next door to a strip club, and a mile from a major dock. There's an hourly rate. This is where hookers go to die.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Ordering unsweetened tea in Alabama will earn you a venomous stare previously reserved for those directly responsible for Columbine.

"I have a very good brain and I've said a lot of things." - Trump

Yea you said it, man

t(-_-)t

I full blown asked a woman, a really nice, pretty, interesting one, if I could take her on a date sometime soon (HOORAY!)

She politely told me no, for quite good reason, but she may have been flattered (OH NO!)

Oh no? Didn't you read the first part? I sacked up my man balls, put them in my big boy pants, and directly asked...
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3

I can tell you with certainty that girl scout thin mints have a shelf life of at least 3 years

1

Him: Geez did you see these stacks of orders we need to approve?
Me: How many?
Him: Like, stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks

haha, my man