College Professor Finds Dating Advice Periodically Left on Desk
Oklahoma City, OK - A professor at Oklahoma University (OU) has recently received several flyers, from an anonymous party, about the dangers of dating men of various races. Trina Mitchell, a professor of fine arts specializing in earwax sculptures, has been a single woman for five years after a brutal break-up with her previous boyfriend, Todd Bartlett, an animal semen extractor out of Stillwater. It was overheard by several students and other faculty that Trina was using a dating website and talking to a "handsome middle age black man." The next day, Professor Mitchell found a bizarre article on her desk, detailing why one shouldn't date a black man.
Below are a few excerpts from the article:
Why White Women Shouldn't Date Black Men!
Black men are 72.35% likely to have one or more of the following STD's: Syphilis, Herpes, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, or HIV/AIDS! Enjoy the high probability that consensual or non-consensual sex with a black man will result in a burning peehole!
Black men have a predilection for beating women! Just look at Kanye West and Chris Brown! Black women love having the crap beaten out of them. Avoid bruises and broken clavicles by not dating black men!
If you have kids with a black man, they'll probably be stupid! Enjoy teaching your low-IQ, retard milk chocolate baby how to make a mix tape instead of how to provide any actual service to our society!
Did we mention their ridiculously large rhinoceros penises? We hope you enjoy vaginal tearing and eventually wallowing out your insides if you decide to date a black man!
The dismayed professor was too embarrassed to bring the article to attention of the dean or close friends, but canceled her date with the black man in favor of a white man. When she brought up the new date, she was greeted the next day with yet another article; this time the article was disparaging white men.
Some of the key points in the article were as follows:
Why White Women Shouldn't Date White Men!
White men are all a bunch of privileged, racist hillbillies! Enjoy being picked up on your first date by a toothless redneck with a Confederate flag on their car's antenna!
White men are 92.13% more likely to be jobless, overweight neckbeards who live in their parents' basement and troll people on reddit for fun. Be delighted to find that the Plenty of Fish picture your dream white male kept on their profile is when they weighed 219 pounds less than they do now!
White men are 72.35% likely to have one or more of the following STD's: Syphilis, Herpes, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, or HIV/AIDS! Enjoy the high probability that consensual or non-consensual sex with a white man will result in a burning peehole!
White men have boring, average-sized penises! We hope you enjoy your mediocre helping of white meat in the sack, an experience we believe is wholly unsatisfying and lasts a grand total of 31.7 seconds!
Professor Mitchell of course canceled the date yet again. Before she could even attempt to log in to another dating site, she was left with yet another strange article:
Why White Women Shouldn't Date Indian, Russian, Asian, or Latino Men!
Russians are communists, are all named Ivan, and smell like borscht! Indian men pass gas that smells like curry and are all telemarketers or customer support workers! Asian men have penises the size of thumbtacks and all know karate! Latino men all dress like cholos and drive around in cars with hydraulic systems!
Indian, Russian, Asian, and Latino men are 72.35% likely to have one or more of the following STD's: Syphilis, Herpes, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, or HIV/AIDS! Enjoy the high probability that consensual or non-consensual sex with an Indian, Russian, Asian, or Latino man will result in a burning peehole!
When questioned who could have left the series of bizarre racist dating articles, Fine Arts Dean Margaret Holt -- the most lesbian-looking woman we've ever come across -- feigned ignorance.
In Other News:
The Mayor of Clay, West Virginia, has resigned office after posting a comment about the current FLOTUS, Michelle Obama, on Facebook. Former Mayor Pamela Ramsey Taylor posted: "It will be so refreshing to have a classy, beautiful, dignified First Lady back in the White House. I'm tired of seeing a Ape in heels."
The poor grammar led to shameful remarks about the former mayor's education level in what is widely considered the backwoods retard capitol of the U.S. First off, Melania Trump has never lived in the White House, so how can she be "back" in it? Secondly, it's "an ape," you goddamned moron.