My last two blogs have to do with more that I felt the need to be honest with everyone, not just that one person. This honesty extends from myself to everyone. Now, comes the part of this that I don't understand. I see that the woman I hurt has posted on facebook that she is wondering how she became the bad person for refusing to accept another lie.
I do not view her as a bad person at all. Every person here while being in my life is on the outskirts of the situation because there was much more that I wanted with her than just being her friend. I didn't enter into the relationship with her trying to be anything more than that at the time (knowing she was interested in me at least sexually and so was I interested in the same way with her) but for me it quickly escalated to my realizing I was interested in her and I did fall for her in the best way possible, I wanted a future with her, I wanted to have a family with her. She was in a relationship at the time and it wasn't what was making her happy. I didn't push her out of that, I let her come to her own decision on it. That relationship lasted for five years and it was such a bad idea for us to be anything more than friends right away after that and yet we did it. I entered into that part of it with my eyes wide open. I also pledged to wanted to try to help her become less broken by supporting her rather than steering her in any one direction. I wanted her to come to her own decisions about things and yet I was there with her almost every day. We should have taken time and fostered things much better than we did but that is neither here nor there at this moment.
You see, I am not being honest here so that I can be seen as brave or as a way of proving my love to her, I am being honest because this is a change that will help me in my life all together. The praise of others is not why I came clean. It may, and does, help me feel that I for certain did the right thing.
I came clean and told her the truth not for her priase, certainly. I hoped she would see that I did love her, underneath all of the layers. I had to get those lies out of the way, out of my life, out of my head so that I could see the damage they had done. In lying to her I made her question herself. I made her question her ability to read people, I made her question whether or not I truly loved her. I lied to her for very selfish reasons after that second night that I hung out with her and those reasons were that I was afraid that someone who had become important to me so quickly would not want me around. I was afraid that she wouldn't want to know me after I had told her the truth. I spent a lot of time agonizing over whether or not to tell her. I had accute moments of anxiety over it, so many times I almost texted her the truth, that I was a liar about these things. It doesn't matter that I told her the truth, it matters more that I lied in the first place. I don't know what she sees as the whole truth because I can't know, because she hasn't told me. She just doesn't want anything to do with me at all. I do not blame her, I wouldn't want anything to do with a person who said they loved me and then lied to me in the same manner that I had lied to her.
You know, I don't see her as a bad person for this, I don't think any of the rest of you do, or should either. I think she is someone who has been hurt by the lies of others in the past and NO ONE has to ACCEPT the lies of someone else nor do they have to work to restore their relationship with that person. I love her and I loved her and I respect her for being as hurt as she is and not backing down from her stance on the matter. I am the one who hurt her and I am the one who deserves to be seen as the bad person. As I have stated before I do not know what she sees as the whole truth. I don't know if she thinks that I lied to her and continued to do so simply so that I could win her over, that was not the case. I don't know if she thinks that I told her the truth simply so that she would become hurt and then react and then I could make her out to be the bad guy. This is not what is happening. I am the one who did the wrong thing. There is no way I can make that right.
She let me in, she trusted me with her broken heart and I broke her even further. I hurt her in a way that is so poisonous. I had her trust and I broke that. I can see how this would be that I misused her trust in a lot of ways. I wanted her to meet my family and my friends back in Kansas and then freaked out realizing that she would say things to them that they would tell her the truth if I didn't and I panicked there were times I tried to tell her that my family would troll her, they would, but not about those things. They would have told her the truth. I was so uncomfortable with the idea of her meeting my family while I was lying to her I tried to dissuade her from the idea of ever meeting them, my reasons were not just because I was lying but also due to the religiousity in my family.
I don't know what to do, I mean, I accept that you see what I did as brave. In some ways it is, but I wouldn't have had to do it AT ALL if I had just NEVER LIED.
I am confused as to what to do now when it comes to her. I don't want to just end this friendship and relationship without knowing what she feels and why she feels it. She is angry right now and has every right in the world to become the Incredible Fucking Hulk about it in my opinion. I wish I just could know what the truth is in her mind. Nothing I could ever say would change that and I know that for certain.
The truth of this matter is that I didn't lie to her about how much I loved her, how quickly I fell for her, how I thought of her as my everything. How I do love her, how I wanted a family with her and how I want to be in her life for forever, I have lost that now due to my inability to be honest. It isn't that she has to accept those lies it isn't that she has to accept anything. I just wish that I had never lied so that I never had to tell the truth in that manner and so that I never had to face that when it all comes down to it, I lost the one woman I could see as my future due to myself being an asshole.
I hoped that my actions would be seen as more than the sum of my lies. I tried to do everything to support her and love her. I willingly sacrificed that by lying to her sadly, I brought her family into my lies because I met them before telling her the truth, it should have been that I didn't have to make it so that these people in her life would have to deal with that either.
No matter the thoughts on the lies that I told and the way that they could or should impact her, I lied for selfish reasons of seeming more interesting, gaining more attention, being seen as a better person, all for pride really. In some ways this made me feel like a better person, made me feel cooler, I don't know what else to say this is not going to be my last blog on the matter I don't thing. I don't know, I wish I could just ask her what she sees as the whole truth and what parts she sees as my having omitted.
I do not view her as a bad person at all. Every person here while being in my life is on the outskirts of the situation because there was much more that I wanted with her than just being her friend. I didn't enter into the relationship with her trying to be anything more than that at the time (knowing she was interested in me at least sexually and so was I interested in the same way with her) but for me it quickly escalated to my realizing I was interested in her and I did fall for her in the best way possible, I wanted a future with her, I wanted to have a family with her. She was in a relationship at the time and it wasn't what was making her happy. I didn't push her out of that, I let her come to her own decision on it. That relationship lasted for five years and it was such a bad idea for us to be anything more than friends right away after that and yet we did it. I entered into that part of it with my eyes wide open. I also pledged to wanted to try to help her become less broken by supporting her rather than steering her in any one direction. I wanted her to come to her own decisions about things and yet I was there with her almost every day. We should have taken time and fostered things much better than we did but that is neither here nor there at this moment.
You see, I am not being honest here so that I can be seen as brave or as a way of proving my love to her, I am being honest because this is a change that will help me in my life all together. The praise of others is not why I came clean. It may, and does, help me feel that I for certain did the right thing.
I came clean and told her the truth not for her priase, certainly. I hoped she would see that I did love her, underneath all of the layers. I had to get those lies out of the way, out of my life, out of my head so that I could see the damage they had done. In lying to her I made her question herself. I made her question her ability to read people, I made her question whether or not I truly loved her. I lied to her for very selfish reasons after that second night that I hung out with her and those reasons were that I was afraid that someone who had become important to me so quickly would not want me around. I was afraid that she wouldn't want to know me after I had told her the truth. I spent a lot of time agonizing over whether or not to tell her. I had accute moments of anxiety over it, so many times I almost texted her the truth, that I was a liar about these things. It doesn't matter that I told her the truth, it matters more that I lied in the first place. I don't know what she sees as the whole truth because I can't know, because she hasn't told me. She just doesn't want anything to do with me at all. I do not blame her, I wouldn't want anything to do with a person who said they loved me and then lied to me in the same manner that I had lied to her.
You know, I don't see her as a bad person for this, I don't think any of the rest of you do, or should either. I think she is someone who has been hurt by the lies of others in the past and NO ONE has to ACCEPT the lies of someone else nor do they have to work to restore their relationship with that person. I love her and I loved her and I respect her for being as hurt as she is and not backing down from her stance on the matter. I am the one who hurt her and I am the one who deserves to be seen as the bad person. As I have stated before I do not know what she sees as the whole truth. I don't know if she thinks that I lied to her and continued to do so simply so that I could win her over, that was not the case. I don't know if she thinks that I told her the truth simply so that she would become hurt and then react and then I could make her out to be the bad guy. This is not what is happening. I am the one who did the wrong thing. There is no way I can make that right.
She let me in, she trusted me with her broken heart and I broke her even further. I hurt her in a way that is so poisonous. I had her trust and I broke that. I can see how this would be that I misused her trust in a lot of ways. I wanted her to meet my family and my friends back in Kansas and then freaked out realizing that she would say things to them that they would tell her the truth if I didn't and I panicked there were times I tried to tell her that my family would troll her, they would, but not about those things. They would have told her the truth. I was so uncomfortable with the idea of her meeting my family while I was lying to her I tried to dissuade her from the idea of ever meeting them, my reasons were not just because I was lying but also due to the religiousity in my family.
I don't know what to do, I mean, I accept that you see what I did as brave. In some ways it is, but I wouldn't have had to do it AT ALL if I had just NEVER LIED.
I am confused as to what to do now when it comes to her. I don't want to just end this friendship and relationship without knowing what she feels and why she feels it. She is angry right now and has every right in the world to become the Incredible Fucking Hulk about it in my opinion. I wish I just could know what the truth is in her mind. Nothing I could ever say would change that and I know that for certain.
The truth of this matter is that I didn't lie to her about how much I loved her, how quickly I fell for her, how I thought of her as my everything. How I do love her, how I wanted a family with her and how I want to be in her life for forever, I have lost that now due to my inability to be honest. It isn't that she has to accept those lies it isn't that she has to accept anything. I just wish that I had never lied so that I never had to tell the truth in that manner and so that I never had to face that when it all comes down to it, I lost the one woman I could see as my future due to myself being an asshole.
I hoped that my actions would be seen as more than the sum of my lies. I tried to do everything to support her and love her. I willingly sacrificed that by lying to her sadly, I brought her family into my lies because I met them before telling her the truth, it should have been that I didn't have to make it so that these people in her life would have to deal with that either.
No matter the thoughts on the lies that I told and the way that they could or should impact her, I lied for selfish reasons of seeming more interesting, gaining more attention, being seen as a better person, all for pride really. In some ways this made me feel like a better person, made me feel cooler, I don't know what else to say this is not going to be my last blog on the matter I don't thing. I don't know, I wish I could just ask her what she sees as the whole truth and what parts she sees as my having omitted.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Knowing that you are totally coming clean to everyone in all this is amazing and you are being so strong. Especially with so many things extending back over such a period of time. I hope you will be able to feel the weight lifted, even if it is heavy for a while.
And while doing it for the people you care so much about, do it just as much for yourself.