**DISCLAIMER** Biggest lie does not mean that the other two are irrelevant. Biggest simply states the one which took the most time and effort and made all the "littler" lies even harder to keep up and remember. Truly a tangled web.
My previous, blog if you read it dealt with the fact that I have lied. To everyone. I thought in writing that last blog I was ridding myself of the cloak of my lies and also bringing to light the truth without burdening those who didn't care to know at all. I was second guessing myself on whether or not I should tell the whole truth out here in the open like this and whether or not that blog would be seen as nothing but excuses.
I feel the need to respond to the fact that the person I hurt most with my lies messaged me after reading the blog saying "I just read your blog from last night and how is that pity party in any way you telling people the truth about your lies?" Well, that was definitely food for thought. I had specifically stated "I even blogged on SG and admitted to my lying there." in our previous text conversation. I didn't say that I had told the truth about the lies, I simply stated that I had admitted to lying. I have been thinking about her conversation.
Was I just throwing a pity party and justifying my lies? I felt that rather than throwing a pity party I was opening the door for people to want to know what the lies were for those who cared to know as opposed to those who just didn't even care about my life but were merely on my friends list.
I was also sussing out why I would lie about what I see as the biggest lie. I like to try to figure out the why of a situation and the biggest lie has the biggest why and that biggest why is explained in that last blog. I was never let go with "you lied about whether or not you did your homework you are grounded" It was ALWAYS "suss out why you lied" not just from my parents but also my teachers and authority figures. I believe that was to teach us accountability for ALL of our actions. I know why I lied, I lied because one lie in particular gave me attention while still removing me from a certian situation.
Let me be perfectly clear on this. My lies extended past that time frame as well. I lied about my level of education. I tell people I have my Masters; what I have is a Bachelors and a fully written Masters Project which doesn't adhere to the standards set forth by the graduate program at my previous University. I view it as I did the work and three people's opinion is what kept me from graduating so I have it. This doesn't justify the LIE I TOLD. It doesn't justify anything, even that seemingly harmless white lie is something that should be known. I failed due to my pride and now disinterest in the subject on which I was writing, to receive my Masters Degree.
My lies have to do with my life as a soldier which was short lived (not 6 years, barely made it over a year after training) and most definitely did not end simply due to suspicion of a heart defect I received an OTH Discharge. I am glad that Brass pointed that out to me because I am so used to just stating it as dishonorable due to my thinking that and an OTH were the exact same thing other than a conviction they are and aren't. I basically violated DADT policy, stated in front of a superior officer that I was a big old dyke and in doing so brought down another soldier with me. She was intending to make the military her career, I was not. The OTH basically came down to avoid the civil suit that she was being advised to bring against me. I was not incarcerated and it was the correct action to be taken against me in light of my violations. Yes, DADT violation was one, the medical statement was another, and then combined with past instances in which I was not a model soldier, clearly I did as advised. I sabotaged her career simply for my own personal gain. I will be calling it what it is, an OTH from now on. I lied about it called it a discharge due to having lied on my medical records. That said, I LIED ABOUT WHY I WAS DISCHARGED BECAUSE OF MY PRIDE I DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT TO THE SHAME OF HAVING RUINED ANOTHER SOLDIER and therefore wanted to maky myself a better person.
The biggest lie that I told was one of absolute total and complete comission that turned my life during the time I was 11 years old until I was 17 from what it was into an adventure of fun and epic proportions. I did go to an all girls Catholic school and it was a boarding school. That school is in St Mary's Kansas and can be found at St. Mary's Academy and College it is not as I have stated in the past a boarding school in London. Everywhere I went at school I was surrounded by the accents and I picked up the most common, (UK) accent very easily. I didn't even realize I was doing it, I would get made fun of at home and therefore my natural stubborness had me hold onto it. I visited London for not even a whole summer between my freshman and sophomore year due to a friend's parents inviting and paying for me to go. I had a blast! When I came back the accent was thicker than ever. I have always had friends from the UK, even at University and when around them I have always slipped so easily back into it, so comfortably. I don't even realize that to this day there are times when the accent comes out.
Fast forward last year after the dissolution of a 14 year relationship and moving across country from Kansas to California I hopped right into the club scene. I had a drag persona, name of "andy" and decided that I would use that to create an alter ego for myself. I also visited California prior to that and assumed the accent priot to that when chatting with people in chat. I was creating the escape from my life and then my drag persona made it even easier. I lied about those three specific things, gave myself a jaunty little accent which I was familiar with from the time I was very young. I kept my lies up through one good friendship and one relationship and that was terribly stupid even though the person I was dating wasn't being honest with me either, two wrongs do not even equal a right and I am well aware of that. I also know that had I truly loved her I would have told her the motherfuckin truth.
I ended that relationship and entered into another with a woman whom I love and am in love with. She is many things, but the flame to my moth is definitely one of them. She is beautiful, generous, sweet, intelligent, loving, kind, strong, and amazing. She has the nerve to blame herself for my faults, I like to think that she saw the good in me that was trying to shine through the layers of lies.
I told her the truth, the problem is, I told her the truth and inadvertently lied about one thing so when confronted a week later I was confused at first and then realized, "oh my fuck, I lied about this for real...and I was just thinking that conversation through yesterday and now i'm fucked because I didn't bring it up." This lead to her believing that she cannot trust me with her heart and who can blame her? I did tell her the truth but it took me months.
She was curious, but I waited until the third time she asked me August 19, 2012. I had agonized over whether or not to tell her the truth about these things. ALL OF THE LIES I HAVE MENTIONED ARE LIES THAT I TOLD HER for months, the second night I hung out with her I almost just spilled the beans, but held back because as much as I knew I had fallen for her, lying seem to be the right course of action just to save face at that point. I had already made up my mind to tell her the truth after my birthday (August 20) so I spilled my guts. She asked me "but the stuff you told me about school that is true?" and I am in such a rush to reassure her that these were the things I had lied about and I was being truthful that I said "Yes" I didn't say "Yes, except I never passed my defense and consider that I did the work so I had my masters.". When she confronted me and I told the truth after my initial confusion we maintained a friendship for all of a week and then other outside factors lead to the deterioration of things between us.
Herein is the relevant part to SG and my friends here. I have lied to every one of you, whether I have answered your questions about the accent or not, whether or not you have heard me speak, whether or not you have heard from someone else that I have an accent and there is some reason for it.
I realize that in reading this one could think that I am only being honest because I want to fight for this one person, not the truth, the truth of the matter is that I am making this change for me and whether or not this person or anyone else wants to be a part of it will be up to them.
My previous, blog if you read it dealt with the fact that I have lied. To everyone. I thought in writing that last blog I was ridding myself of the cloak of my lies and also bringing to light the truth without burdening those who didn't care to know at all. I was second guessing myself on whether or not I should tell the whole truth out here in the open like this and whether or not that blog would be seen as nothing but excuses.
I feel the need to respond to the fact that the person I hurt most with my lies messaged me after reading the blog saying "I just read your blog from last night and how is that pity party in any way you telling people the truth about your lies?" Well, that was definitely food for thought. I had specifically stated "I even blogged on SG and admitted to my lying there." in our previous text conversation. I didn't say that I had told the truth about the lies, I simply stated that I had admitted to lying. I have been thinking about her conversation.
Was I just throwing a pity party and justifying my lies? I felt that rather than throwing a pity party I was opening the door for people to want to know what the lies were for those who cared to know as opposed to those who just didn't even care about my life but were merely on my friends list.
I was also sussing out why I would lie about what I see as the biggest lie. I like to try to figure out the why of a situation and the biggest lie has the biggest why and that biggest why is explained in that last blog. I was never let go with "you lied about whether or not you did your homework you are grounded" It was ALWAYS "suss out why you lied" not just from my parents but also my teachers and authority figures. I believe that was to teach us accountability for ALL of our actions. I know why I lied, I lied because one lie in particular gave me attention while still removing me from a certian situation.
Let me be perfectly clear on this. My lies extended past that time frame as well. I lied about my level of education. I tell people I have my Masters; what I have is a Bachelors and a fully written Masters Project which doesn't adhere to the standards set forth by the graduate program at my previous University. I view it as I did the work and three people's opinion is what kept me from graduating so I have it. This doesn't justify the LIE I TOLD. It doesn't justify anything, even that seemingly harmless white lie is something that should be known. I failed due to my pride and now disinterest in the subject on which I was writing, to receive my Masters Degree.
My lies have to do with my life as a soldier which was short lived (not 6 years, barely made it over a year after training) and most definitely did not end simply due to suspicion of a heart defect I received an OTH Discharge. I am glad that Brass pointed that out to me because I am so used to just stating it as dishonorable due to my thinking that and an OTH were the exact same thing other than a conviction they are and aren't. I basically violated DADT policy, stated in front of a superior officer that I was a big old dyke and in doing so brought down another soldier with me. She was intending to make the military her career, I was not. The OTH basically came down to avoid the civil suit that she was being advised to bring against me. I was not incarcerated and it was the correct action to be taken against me in light of my violations. Yes, DADT violation was one, the medical statement was another, and then combined with past instances in which I was not a model soldier, clearly I did as advised. I sabotaged her career simply for my own personal gain. I will be calling it what it is, an OTH from now on. I lied about it called it a discharge due to having lied on my medical records. That said, I LIED ABOUT WHY I WAS DISCHARGED BECAUSE OF MY PRIDE I DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT TO THE SHAME OF HAVING RUINED ANOTHER SOLDIER and therefore wanted to maky myself a better person.
The biggest lie that I told was one of absolute total and complete comission that turned my life during the time I was 11 years old until I was 17 from what it was into an adventure of fun and epic proportions. I did go to an all girls Catholic school and it was a boarding school. That school is in St Mary's Kansas and can be found at St. Mary's Academy and College it is not as I have stated in the past a boarding school in London. Everywhere I went at school I was surrounded by the accents and I picked up the most common, (UK) accent very easily. I didn't even realize I was doing it, I would get made fun of at home and therefore my natural stubborness had me hold onto it. I visited London for not even a whole summer between my freshman and sophomore year due to a friend's parents inviting and paying for me to go. I had a blast! When I came back the accent was thicker than ever. I have always had friends from the UK, even at University and when around them I have always slipped so easily back into it, so comfortably. I don't even realize that to this day there are times when the accent comes out.
Fast forward last year after the dissolution of a 14 year relationship and moving across country from Kansas to California I hopped right into the club scene. I had a drag persona, name of "andy" and decided that I would use that to create an alter ego for myself. I also visited California prior to that and assumed the accent priot to that when chatting with people in chat. I was creating the escape from my life and then my drag persona made it even easier. I lied about those three specific things, gave myself a jaunty little accent which I was familiar with from the time I was very young. I kept my lies up through one good friendship and one relationship and that was terribly stupid even though the person I was dating wasn't being honest with me either, two wrongs do not even equal a right and I am well aware of that. I also know that had I truly loved her I would have told her the motherfuckin truth.
I ended that relationship and entered into another with a woman whom I love and am in love with. She is many things, but the flame to my moth is definitely one of them. She is beautiful, generous, sweet, intelligent, loving, kind, strong, and amazing. She has the nerve to blame herself for my faults, I like to think that she saw the good in me that was trying to shine through the layers of lies.
I told her the truth, the problem is, I told her the truth and inadvertently lied about one thing so when confronted a week later I was confused at first and then realized, "oh my fuck, I lied about this for real...and I was just thinking that conversation through yesterday and now i'm fucked because I didn't bring it up." This lead to her believing that she cannot trust me with her heart and who can blame her? I did tell her the truth but it took me months.
She was curious, but I waited until the third time she asked me August 19, 2012. I had agonized over whether or not to tell her the truth about these things. ALL OF THE LIES I HAVE MENTIONED ARE LIES THAT I TOLD HER for months, the second night I hung out with her I almost just spilled the beans, but held back because as much as I knew I had fallen for her, lying seem to be the right course of action just to save face at that point. I had already made up my mind to tell her the truth after my birthday (August 20) so I spilled my guts. She asked me "but the stuff you told me about school that is true?" and I am in such a rush to reassure her that these were the things I had lied about and I was being truthful that I said "Yes" I didn't say "Yes, except I never passed my defense and consider that I did the work so I had my masters.". When she confronted me and I told the truth after my initial confusion we maintained a friendship for all of a week and then other outside factors lead to the deterioration of things between us.
Herein is the relevant part to SG and my friends here. I have lied to every one of you, whether I have answered your questions about the accent or not, whether or not you have heard me speak, whether or not you have heard from someone else that I have an accent and there is some reason for it.
I realize that in reading this one could think that I am only being honest because I want to fight for this one person, not the truth, the truth of the matter is that I am making this change for me and whether or not this person or anyone else wants to be a part of it will be up to them.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
And since none of those three things has ever come in any conversation with me. So you are safe from worrying about any of that in my direction.
Here is my $0.02 worth of advice. Anyone who is going to judge you on who you were, or where you came from, isn't worth your time. I am not particularly proud of where I came from, I did a similar move across the country, in part to escape everyone know where I came from, and being pigeonholed as that person still.
But there comes a point when you have a choice, you can be someone who fits the roles that other people expect you to fit, or you can just be you. It sounds like you are on the second path. And if you need a shoulder to lean on anywhere along the way let me know.
*Sending Hugs*
-Chris