aj_paradiselost

... I'm not sure what to say besides thank you. Honestly that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. You know the grimiest ugliest parts of me, and you still don't wanna fuckin change me. I dunno... trying to realize that maybe I'm ok as I am. I just wanna fuckin hug you so bad right now.


On a side note.. lyrics in my journal were of course NIN, "The Collector", With Teeth. I listened to Kittie yesterday and actually let out a little bit of bottled up emotion. Then at the concert I fucking let out a shitload of emotions.. which I don't usually do.. but it was awesome. I know you don't like NIN.. I can't help it though.. they're my guilty pleasure.. well.. right after you of course. I love ya dear and I'll talk to you later.


JennIFER

.. I love her and I know she loves me. And you and I both know I'm not strong enough to be on my own. You would hear me more pathetic than you could ever fucking imagine if we split. I know it sounds shitty, but most of the time I don't feel like I'm settling. It's just those moments that get to me.. the ones when I just need her. I just need to be weak for a moment now and then and I want her to hold me up. Life isn't like that though. There's not ever gonna be a moment that its convenient or okay for me to fall apart. As much as I may feel like I need to, I can't. I just need to fucking suck it up and get over it that I accepted my role as the strong one and now I need to live up to it and stop wanting her to be something she's not. She isn't the one who's gonna support me, and maybe its not a bad thing.. maybe its supposed to teach me that I CAN be the strong one that holds it all together. I dunno.. I'm rambling. sorry. You know who loves ya, and hopefully we'll get to talk soon. miss you

i was gonna say something but fuck it - we spoke, i've got a migraine and i know you'll call. sometime.... maybe one day you'll pick me up and we'll go for a drive. i hope i typed it all ok with eyes closed.

Glad you're back! Sorry to hear you had such a rough breakup after 6 years...enjoy your singleness....but all relationships aren't bad. Just because you had one end badly, doesn't mean you should shy away from another one if someone else comes along

I have the same problem....just kidding!
(ok, maybe only kidding a little bit)

You know just getting offline can't stop me from buggin ya. lol, and don't worry I hide my sex toys so mom didn't find em cleaning my room. The 13 inch black dildo with your name on it was safely hidden away. lmao. you know i'm just kidding. loves ya!

Yup!
Thanks.
I love the way it looks, but I hate the damn cold!
I want warmth!!! Gimme summer!
Yeah me too, finally a place to call home.
Missed you too! So where've you been?

obviously I'm not dealing very well. its been several months since my divorce, and I'm a drunken mess 2 -5 days a week. I don't socialize too much. and what pathetic attempts I've made at getting together have led me me being blown off or stood up...3 nights in a row last week. how's that for the esteem!

but enough about me.

indeed...
Pobably twoo then cuz one tends to get lonely.
I would like to have a pet, preferably a dog, but my boyfriend thinks they smell too much
So no dog for me boohoo...
I like cats too, but I once had one and she was a total bitch!
So I'm scared I'm just unlucky when picking out a cat or something... She seemed so cute when she was a kitten *sigh*

Anywho, I still have a guinea pig namd Yamcha, and he is very old, so the last years/months/days I want just him, so I can give him my full attention
And then when he's gone, I'll see...

first off I'm not hott, hahahaha, and second girls like me do like guys like you. unless thats not really you in those pictures and you're really some 3 ft troll with acne and no teeth.

Shit like that seems to happen a lot around Valentines Day, seems to drive the point home that things aren't right. It sucks, but it sounds like you are ready to do what you need to be free and not get hung up on shit about moving. Hope it works out for you.

Thanks for supporting that chick you were talking about. Maybe she was too ashamed to have visitors. Who knows. Making the attempt to connect is better than ignoring.

Why was it such a bad time? Do tell.

Well, I guess her and I are done. She has been talking to some guy in the area on the computer. I came home early and she quickly clicked off and shredded the recent history on the computer right in front of my face. That kind of shit is unforgivable to me. Emotional and psychological cheating is just as bad to me as physical cheating. Granted, I am on SG but I don't look for people to chat with who live up the fucking street. She says hes an admirer and that she is confused.
I told her to go with it man. I don't deal well with bullshit. Anyway, this time there will be no reconciliation. This isn't like the usual boyfriend girlfriend crap. This is unforgivable totally.........Enough of my ranting..........L8er..........AJ

Hehehe, yeah I am, and now I am broek AND jobless.
Actually that mess of boxes comes in quite handy, cuz now you can''t even see if I cleaned up the place or not, so I can just slack it
Moving actually doesn't suck. We went to our new place yesterday to measure the rooms and OMG it is the greatest place EVER! We are both so much in love with it, I might actually be happy there and start loving Rotterdam as my home...
The diner was great and I had a nice white sweet wine, since that is the only kind I drink

have I told you how much I love the way you think?
you seem to put word to my thoughts & emotion.
god damn I need you to translate my life.

Hello dear..
I don't think she's minding me talking to you so much anymore. She gets it that you're just a friend. Thanks for bein cool with her on the phone. I'm really trying to build a tougher skin.. not so sure its working but I"m kickin my ass trying. This is about her though, not about me, so I need to keep telling myself to just do what she needs me to do and not reflect my attitude towards my own depression on her and her struggles. We'll be ok. She'll be ok. I just gotta try and realize its not me. Its not my fault and there's nothing I can do to make it all better for her. I just gotta try and be here with as tough of skin as I can muster to help her out. It's making me realize how much I love her.

Anyways... hope your weekend full of work wasn't too horrible. I love ya and I'll talk to you soon I'm sure. later hun...

awwww, thanks!

Ha can I say that you are the first black man that I have been attracted to in years. HA. I would so fall in love with you if you werent already attached. I really hope I dont offend you with that comment but I think you will get it. Really get what I am saying.

you hit the nail on the head!

wolf down the pasta... i hate to break it to you, but wolves don't generally go for pasta. ;o) (i'm being a goober - did i do well?)

Gotta love Chef Boyardee. I've done ballet for nine years or so and I've recently picked up ballroom...it's just what I do. we're all pirates!

A couple of hours? How long does one game take???

Thanks for your cheering on.
I just slept for an hour or two, and luckily that helped.
The pain in my back is almost gone now.
Yeah it's a lot of work and stress, I'm really looking forward to getting the new home ready, but the stuf before that!!!
I forgot it it was so much hard work, and it's not even a year ago since we moved here and it seems like ages...

Thanks for the comment on my pics. I wish you could meet me at the concert in a few weeks.. but I understand. I convinced her to let me get GA tickets at least, so we won't be sitting down like usual, we'll be in the huge crowd. lol. Sorry ya gotta work tonight, you know I'll be here thinkin of ya. She's here til the morning, its a fucking blizzard outside. ANywho.. you know you loves ya!!