i needed to post this somewhere, and once again, this was the only place, no one close enough to know, would react in a way, that could send repercussions through the lives of those who have to live with it...
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
it's not gonna "be okay".....
and i know you probably won't even read all of this, that you don't want anything to do with anything i'm about to say, but i can't not say it, it's all tearing away at my insides, and the only person i need to say any of it to, is you. i know that you have melinda, and that you have your letter press ladies, and your art night ladies, so it's easy for you to think that "it's gonna be okay", because now, you've got your best friend back, "and more this time." and now i've lost mine forever, in my greatest time of need ever. i will never get to feel safe, or comfortable in your house ever again, in our bed, ever again. you couldn't even apologize to me for sending me off with a pair of his socks, and you'll never know what that feels like, it's not a contest either, i hope that you never, ever, have to understand the kind of heartbreak i'm going through now, watching everything i care about slip through my fingers. all at once. i wake up sobbing now, those few moments when i can sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. the only time i've gotten any decent sleep, is when i've been with you, and mr. pants. now i'll never get that again either. you've exiled me from your life, because "i can't smoke weed upstairs", or "you're never okay with me", when the truth is, is that i can't understand, why if i'm so "amazing", so "beautiful", and such a "good man", why you couldn't love me back the way i love you.
i wish more than almost anything, that i didn't love you anymore, that i didn't miss you all day, everyday. that it didn't kill me every second, that for some reason, you can only feel good fucking someone else, being close, and talking, going out to movies, and chilling and smoking weed, with someone else, and that you could never feel good doing those things with me, after everything that went down. you tell me to work on myself, but you would never do it for me, you wouldn't accept my help, when it was all i had to offer you, and that you never understood why, it hurt me so much, that you never looked at me that way again. why it was always so hard for me, and just keeps getting harder to be around you, when i know that you only looked at him then, and jarod now, that way. you are the only woman i ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with, to wake up next to, watch your dreadies go silver, to watch our art grow together, to go dance together, to my music at the club. to make something enough of myself to feel like i could make your family proud enough of me to feel like i was good enough. i know that you still hold that i did the same thing you did, and no doubt it hurt you immensly, as did some of the things i've said to you over all of these years. knowing the pain that sits on your heart from those things, i'll never be able to apologize enough.
i need you to know, really really know though, that no woman i've touched, in between the you and i, ever felt good. that the reason i couldn't go through with it then, and why i can't do it now, is because i'm tired of wishing they were you. their flesh never feeling right in my hands, their lips never feeling right on my lips, i can't even bear to be touched anymore, by anyone. even hugs from my mother make me recoil, because it's not warm, it's not as warm as the ones from the family that i created. you were more family than family to me liz. i don't down you for not feeling the same way, because i know your family is so different. just understand, who you are to me, and why this is so devastating. you were the most important thing in my life, save mr. pants, for longer than anything else had ever been or ever will. i know that it was neve rsupposed to be your job, to be the only thing that made me "happy", but you were my only source of real comfort in the world. i never meant to put such a heavy burden on you, it's just that no one ever made me feel the way you did, and i wanted you to feel the same. not in my misery, but in my happiness, with you. i know you never thought i was happy, or that you'll ever believe it now, but when you were happy with me, that was the happiest i'd ever been. even if it didn't seem like it.
i'm sorry for my darkness. i don't want it either. i never did. it's one of the reasons i don't bother with "friends" anymore, because i never want to shed that pain, or that darkness, on anything i care about ever again. it has helped people i loved, when all they could see was the darkness, and they needed someone to understand, but as soon as they were better, i was no longer useful, and got tossed away only to feel more lonesome in it.
i know that the things we plan in life seldom go the way we want them to, or how we'd "planned" them, but, i thought that, we could be together, until this was all over. until our baby was no longer with us. that when that moment came, we could be each others solice, and comfort each other throug the worst of it. i know now that you'll be laying with someone else to feel warm then, that you no longer have need for me for much of anything, and it kills me a little more every day. i'm trying, as hard as i can liz, to be okay, but it's becoming insurpassable, i have no one to turn to for comfort. no one to help me pick myself up, and dust myself off. that may not be your "fault", but it's also not mine. i didn't choose this for myself. i worked myself into a beaten mess, for all the people i've ever cared about, only to wind up alone, in my greatest hour of need. i can't stop crying long enough to even feel right hanging out with anyone. because of what it did to you, and what it has ended up costing me all my life. i've lost sonya, my longest standing friend in life, and i've lost you. that alone is enough.
it's not going to be okay liz. not now, or when i have to watch it again. when i have to hear that you're having "his" baby, whether it's jarod or not. when i hear that now you live together, when i have to hear that you're getting married. even before that, when i'm sitting out, and have to watch you walk by, with him, with that glow you get, when you're truly happy. it's one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen. when it's not for me, i die a little. i always tried to explain that to you, but for some reason, i feel like it always came across like i didn't think you were beautiful anymore, when it was just the opposite. just that that beautiful creature in front of me, was no longer shining for me. i wish that my love changed, like everyone else's. that it turned into a love like friends, like you say, "you're my family"...
you'll always be more than that to me. i'll always love you like you're my "wife", my best friend, my favourite. ever.
i'm sorry for this. i'm sorry for everything. more sorry than i'll ever be again, about anything.
i love you, unconditionally,
-peter
it's not gonna "be okay".....
and i know you probably won't even read all of this, that you don't want anything to do with anything i'm about to say, but i can't not say it, it's all tearing away at my insides, and the only person i need to say any of it to, is you. i know that you have melinda, and that you have your letter press ladies, and your art night ladies, so it's easy for you to think that "it's gonna be okay", because now, you've got your best friend back, "and more this time." and now i've lost mine forever, in my greatest time of need ever. i will never get to feel safe, or comfortable in your house ever again, in our bed, ever again. you couldn't even apologize to me for sending me off with a pair of his socks, and you'll never know what that feels like, it's not a contest either, i hope that you never, ever, have to understand the kind of heartbreak i'm going through now, watching everything i care about slip through my fingers. all at once. i wake up sobbing now, those few moments when i can sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. the only time i've gotten any decent sleep, is when i've been with you, and mr. pants. now i'll never get that again either. you've exiled me from your life, because "i can't smoke weed upstairs", or "you're never okay with me", when the truth is, is that i can't understand, why if i'm so "amazing", so "beautiful", and such a "good man", why you couldn't love me back the way i love you.
i wish more than almost anything, that i didn't love you anymore, that i didn't miss you all day, everyday. that it didn't kill me every second, that for some reason, you can only feel good fucking someone else, being close, and talking, going out to movies, and chilling and smoking weed, with someone else, and that you could never feel good doing those things with me, after everything that went down. you tell me to work on myself, but you would never do it for me, you wouldn't accept my help, when it was all i had to offer you, and that you never understood why, it hurt me so much, that you never looked at me that way again. why it was always so hard for me, and just keeps getting harder to be around you, when i know that you only looked at him then, and jarod now, that way. you are the only woman i ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with, to wake up next to, watch your dreadies go silver, to watch our art grow together, to go dance together, to my music at the club. to make something enough of myself to feel like i could make your family proud enough of me to feel like i was good enough. i know that you still hold that i did the same thing you did, and no doubt it hurt you immensly, as did some of the things i've said to you over all of these years. knowing the pain that sits on your heart from those things, i'll never be able to apologize enough.
i need you to know, really really know though, that no woman i've touched, in between the you and i, ever felt good. that the reason i couldn't go through with it then, and why i can't do it now, is because i'm tired of wishing they were you. their flesh never feeling right in my hands, their lips never feeling right on my lips, i can't even bear to be touched anymore, by anyone. even hugs from my mother make me recoil, because it's not warm, it's not as warm as the ones from the family that i created. you were more family than family to me liz. i don't down you for not feeling the same way, because i know your family is so different. just understand, who you are to me, and why this is so devastating. you were the most important thing in my life, save mr. pants, for longer than anything else had ever been or ever will. i know that it was neve rsupposed to be your job, to be the only thing that made me "happy", but you were my only source of real comfort in the world. i never meant to put such a heavy burden on you, it's just that no one ever made me feel the way you did, and i wanted you to feel the same. not in my misery, but in my happiness, with you. i know you never thought i was happy, or that you'll ever believe it now, but when you were happy with me, that was the happiest i'd ever been. even if it didn't seem like it.
i'm sorry for my darkness. i don't want it either. i never did. it's one of the reasons i don't bother with "friends" anymore, because i never want to shed that pain, or that darkness, on anything i care about ever again. it has helped people i loved, when all they could see was the darkness, and they needed someone to understand, but as soon as they were better, i was no longer useful, and got tossed away only to feel more lonesome in it.
i know that the things we plan in life seldom go the way we want them to, or how we'd "planned" them, but, i thought that, we could be together, until this was all over. until our baby was no longer with us. that when that moment came, we could be each others solice, and comfort each other throug the worst of it. i know now that you'll be laying with someone else to feel warm then, that you no longer have need for me for much of anything, and it kills me a little more every day. i'm trying, as hard as i can liz, to be okay, but it's becoming insurpassable, i have no one to turn to for comfort. no one to help me pick myself up, and dust myself off. that may not be your "fault", but it's also not mine. i didn't choose this for myself. i worked myself into a beaten mess, for all the people i've ever cared about, only to wind up alone, in my greatest hour of need. i can't stop crying long enough to even feel right hanging out with anyone. because of what it did to you, and what it has ended up costing me all my life. i've lost sonya, my longest standing friend in life, and i've lost you. that alone is enough.
it's not going to be okay liz. not now, or when i have to watch it again. when i have to hear that you're having "his" baby, whether it's jarod or not. when i hear that now you live together, when i have to hear that you're getting married. even before that, when i'm sitting out, and have to watch you walk by, with him, with that glow you get, when you're truly happy. it's one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen. when it's not for me, i die a little. i always tried to explain that to you, but for some reason, i feel like it always came across like i didn't think you were beautiful anymore, when it was just the opposite. just that that beautiful creature in front of me, was no longer shining for me. i wish that my love changed, like everyone else's. that it turned into a love like friends, like you say, "you're my family"...
you'll always be more than that to me. i'll always love you like you're my "wife", my best friend, my favourite. ever.
i'm sorry for this. i'm sorry for everything. more sorry than i'll ever be again, about anything.
i love you, unconditionally,
-peter
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
but then again sometimes its just better that way.
fuck i don't know.
i'm sorry.